[ruesia]

I went through a divorce last year that hit me hard financially. I lost pretty much everything. I’ve been slowly rebuilding my life but I’ve been struggling just to make ends meet. My family, who I have had a rough past with, asked if they could help. They were looking at buying a rental property and asked if they bought something near me, if I’d consider renting. I’ve moved 4 times in the last year, having had to change jobs and uproot my life for this divorce, so stability sounded great. We are almost to my move in date, since I had to finish my lease where I am, and my mom shared that she told my sister she could move in too.

Now, I totally don’t want to come across as ungrateful. Or petty. But my sister has a host of issues. She has battled with drug addiction and is an alcoholic. She just had a DUI two weeks ago and totaled a car. She’s lived with my parents— forever. She’s almost 30. She has melt downs and thrown tantrums. And to date, has never paid a bill in her life.

I really need this opportunity for the house but I feel a bit betrayed they’re stipulating I have to take my sister in. Especially since I know I’ll be paying the whole bill. And even if they lowered my rent, I don’t want to live with my sister. She is toxic. It would create much more stress for me.

I don’t want to be ungrateful but I also know there’s no way I can live with my sister. I can’t tolerate the drugs and alcohol and strange men. I just can’t.

So do I back out from this deal?

[healingme4me]

Generosity with strings attached is the worst.
As Normal Rockwell it may appear to them to have their adult children living together as one big happy family, it does seem a bit farfetched.
I know what you mean about not wanting to appear ungrateful, at the same time they tossed in a quasi stipulation. It comes with conditions.
Are you able to adjust in other ways? Take on more work hours to help yourself with bills? Take on a roommate? Go find a place looking for a roommate?

Doesn't sound like you need the help that they are offering.

[unaluna]

Wow. Only if its a duplex, with separate entrances, where you have your place and your sister has hers. And she doesnt have the keys to your place.

Otherwise, i agree, sounds like more hell than its worth.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by ruesia

I went through a divorce last year that hit me hard financially. I lost pretty much everything. I’ve been slowly rebuilding my life but I’ve been struggling just to make ends meet. My family, who I have had a rough past with, asked if they could help. They were looking at buying a rental property and asked if they bought something near me, if I’d consider renting. I’ve moved 4 times in the last year, having had to change jobs and uproot my life for this divorce, so stability sounded great. We are almost to my move in date, since I had to finish my lease where I am, and my mom shared that she told my sister she could move in too.

Now, I totally don’t want to come across as ungrateful. Or petty. But my sister has a host of issues. She has battled with drug addiction and is an alcoholic. She just had a DUI two weeks ago and totaled a car. She’s lived with my parents— forever. She’s almost 30. She has melt downs and thrown tantrums. And to date, has never paid a bill in her life.

I really need this opportunity for the house but I feel a bit betrayed they’re stipulating I have to take my sister in. Especially since I know I’ll be paying the whole bill. And even if they lowered my rent, I don’t want to live with my sister. She is toxic. It would create much more stress for me.

I don’t want to be ungrateful but I also know there’s no way I can live with my sister. I can’t tolerate the drugs and alcohol and strange men. I just can’t.

So do I back out from this deal?

you're not ungrateful and they are acting as landlords not giving you anything really. They are making money off your renting the place so it's really not as generous as they probably make it sound. Besides the fact that this is the reason a business relationship with relatives and close friends is always a bad idea. What landlord out there or property manager would be allowed to tell you who you had to take in and force it upon you? Legally this is not even remotely ok. They are using you as a way to 1. have a free renter that avoids them having to take in strangers for the property and 2. I'm guessing avoiding having to take your sister in themselves by dumping her in your lap. Thing is it sounds more like they are the ones benefitting more than anything.

That is of course unless you have no option to rent elsewhere. Are they giving you a cheap price or is it market? If they aren't even discounting that then I question their motives. Do you have no way to rent elsewhere or have you looked yet? There is also the situation I've been through like you after my ex left, I had lost my lease, and had no place to go and no rental history that was good. I ended up in an extended stay hotel for nearly 2 yrs which may sound bad but it was a life saver and I got on my feet because it was an option. I might add this was also with me having become a single dad with two growing teen boys at the time too. It's slightly expensive but... if you have no options and the parents are not discounting your rent it might be good to look into to avoid all the hoopla with the family. Just a thought.

[unaluna]

[amandalouise]

I have the best of families in my opinion and I still would not share renting with a family member. its too easy for family to take advantage of each other, too easy for one or the other to rely on the other for rent, utilities...

my point if this was me I would be honest with the parents, that I prefer something where I wouldnt have to depend upon a sibling for their portions of the bills, and they depending on my portion of the bills. anything can happen on either side that can result in bills not getting paid or what every.

then I would be looking into places that I could afford on my own, even if it meant living in a hotel or motel or BnB temporarily. and let the more unstable sibling have the family home so that they can get work done on them selves.

[healingme4me]

The two posts suggesting some type of hotel or similar long term are, at the core, valid and sage. I mean, sure, on a surface level, it sounds utterly unsavory, but let me tell you about my ex husband's experience with boarding. It has actually been rather positive. Those that live in there actually watch out for one another. There's a woman there, about my age, not totally down on her luck or anything but the affordability of the rental market stinks to high heaven. She needs to take public transport into another town for work, but she's also been able to save up. There is a sense of security. For my ex, it has been good as he has gotten to know an elderly neighbor that he watches out for, even contacting elder services to make sure he receives transportation through them as opposed to walking to the transportation depot. Those managing the office ensure he gets his mail. There's a security guard/maintenance manager. Things like that. But it's cheaper than rent.
The point is in exploring options and not being expected to be your sisters keeper.

[WishfulThinker66]

I am not so sure they are doing this to make money. They will have a mortgage and costs to pay related to the purchase of the property. Suggesting you move into a place they own tells me it is in order to improve the cost of rents you have already been paying. Thus, I don't see that they are taking advantage of you.

Now, I DO agree with the statement that they are your landlord and as such are the determiners of the particulars regarding your rent. However, this is not to say you are not in a position to negotiate. It sounds difficult but I would speak up about your concerns - and set limits and boundaries regarding your expectations and arrangements considering your sister. Discuss what the point of taking action will look like, the precautions to reaching it, and action to be taken if and once it has. Make sure that this is all in writing. This is family yes, but you should still draw up a contract by way of a lease agreement. Good luck.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by WishfulThinker66

I am not so sure they are doing this to make money. They will have a mortgage and costs to pay related to the purchase of the property. Suggesting you move into a place they own tells me it is in order to improve the cost of rents you have already been paying. Thus, I don't see that they are taking advantage of you.

Now, I DO agree with the statement that they are your landlord and as such are the determiners of the particulars regarding your rent. However, this is not to say you are not in a position to negotiate. It sounds difficult but I would speak up about your concerns - and set limits and boundaries regarding your expectations and arrangements considering your sister. Discuss what the point of taking action will look like, the precautions to reaching it, and action to be taken if and once it has. Make sure that this is all in writing. This is family yes, but you should still draw up a contract by way of a lease agreement. Good luck.

Of course they have to pay a mortgage on the place. There is no evidence or statement that they are giving her a better rental rate which is why it was part of the analysis when I asked. Depending on that fact. The fact that they are buying a rental property says that their goal in essence is to make money. typically people do not buy rental properties and then rent them out to anyone whether family or otherwise to just come out even or at worst lose money. That would make no sense to buy the place. With the idea that they bought the rental property not to help her but it sounds like, separate from her need underscores the fact that the property was likely to gain something. So without the evidence that she would save money by renting from them it's hard to say whether or not it is to improve her costs at all.

Aside from the monetary factor, the evidence I see of them taking advantage of the situation is that this fact alone, trying to force her to let her sister stay there (and it sounds like she'd remain responsible for the bill) without actually being a renter. That is without question dumping a responsibility on someone that has not offered or asked for the responsibility of another adult.

At the very least a legitimate lease contract does need to be drawn up. The same type of lease agreement that they would have to draw up if they were to rent to anyone else with all the legalities involved but she should also stipulate that ONLY if she is solely responsible for who lives there and that they cannot impose someone else living with her on her.

All in all I think, to be honest it's best to avoid the situation altogether

[Open Eyes]

You have valid concerns when it comes to how your sister living with you would only make your life harder. The fact that your mother told your sister she could live with you without even asking you is VERY inconsiderate and I am sure that seeing your sister has been living with and so dependent on your parents, they KNOW she is difficult to handle.

Your mother is NOT helping you by putting your sister in your life either, instead her doing that will only end up with you being a codependent to a sister who is irresponsible and needs professional help which is NOT something you have any ability to be for her. You have to sit your mother down and tell her that if she WANTS to help you then she needs to respect the fact that you need to rebuild your life WITHOUT having to be a caretaker like you probably were for your exhusband that pretty much left you having nothing and you NEED to finally have your own life and space to grow as YOUR OWN PERSON, and that means not dealing with ANYONE who will impede that. Help is for YOU to rebuild your life, NOT to be thrown into a living situation with someone who clearly has issues YOU can't fix.

[WishfulThinker66]

s4ndm4n2006 and Open Eyes - some good points

OMG no. This would be a disaster for you.

[IceCreamKid]

You asked:

"So do I back out from this deal?"

Yes you do. If they insist on knowing why: "I don’t want to live with my sister. She is toxic. It would create much more stress for me. I don’t want to be ungrateful but I also know there’s no way I can live with my sister. I can’t tolerate the drugs and alcohol and strange men. I just can’t."

End of discussion. If they try to badger you, say good bye and hang up the phone or walk out the door (whichever applies).

You will feel better for doing this.

I think, in your heart, you already know the answer to your question.

It's not being "ungrateful" to look after your own well-being.

I would not accept their offer.