My whole life I have been able to end friendships. It is the one thing I am super good at. I describe it like this... I let a lot of things go but once it *flips* in my head -- like a light switch - I am done with you. Often times that switch is slow to flip.

The switch got flipped the other day.

This person was a good friend but I have simply had it. It is sad but...

1. This person is a work "friend" for 14+ years she had it easy. She had easy bosses and no one really made her do her work. But even then she got brought up on insubordination charges and almost got fired. In contrast I don't even have a single note in my file.

2. A few years ago things switched, she got a boss who wouldn't put up with her stuff and I got a boss who was nicer. I knew this boss would have it out for her because he had to deal with all her stuff when she had it easy. I told her to get out... she stubbornly refused. She stubbornly refuses because she lives 3 minutes from her work place.

3. For the last few years she has failed to do her jobs so many times she has spent most of it on probation and once getting suspended without pay for a day. But because of all the strife...the powers that be decided to give her less work. This means the work is distributed to others. In addition, she has been given special accommodations. Such as, a laptop with the special secure work ability so she can do work from home (to me this makes zero sense since she lives 3 minutes from work) and also, gets hotel rooms to stay over during her long travel times.

4. She often gets special accommodations because her mother has "cancer" - well I have never seen such a thing. This cancer, assuming she has it, has been going on for 4 years.

5. She complains loudly and bitterly about not being able to get time off. However, I cannot tell you how many times *I* have been in and she hasn't. And when she isn't... it isn't like she is off for a day. It is like a week. I did my FIRST week long vacation this year after 15 years where I work. To get that I had to schedule it when my boss was also on vacation.

But finally:

6. Often when I call her about anything if she does pick up... almost immediately she will say she has to go. For at least a year, she has been doing this. I let it go because I know she is busy but, more and more I am suspecting she isn't busy and just picks up the phone in case I have something to say that is interesting but if I want to talk about me... bye!

7. I am facing a bit of an issue where I live that since I moved in I haven't had one visitor. No family, no friends. And people do notice these things. So I made a little joke to her about how people think I am a serial killer since no one comes over and that kind of was a hint. And every time she sees me she says she has to come visit, but, she never does.

8. She goes on over and over and over again about how she is a survivor. In her mind she survived the horror and pain of getting knocked up when she was 15. And, in her mind this is something to survive. Though to me it seems like it wasn't that much to survive. She ending up marrying the father and was legit married for most of her life. I have a survival story too, but, I don't share it with her. Mine is legit... because *I* didn't cause it. But I have never mentioned it to her. I have often noticed that... when people really struggle they tend not to want to talk about it - because it is painful. But she never ever has asked me if I had a struggle or anything at all and seems to have never considered that at all. And even when i want to wallow in my "struggles" I tend not to because I realize there are always people who have it worse.

9. She is completely unsupportive to me if I have the slightest complaint about my boss because, in her mind, he is the best boss ever. She cannot allow that even if he is a good guy he might not be the best boss. Or that I could have stress due to the work that got dumped on me. I no longer have any right to complain about anything because I have a "good" boss. She has the right to complain DAY and NIGHT because she has a bad boss.

Sorry for the long rant but I had to get it out.

Typically when she visits my workplace she wants me to come for lunch with her but I won't be doing that any longer. When she asks if I want to come up I will just decline.

[Skeezyks]

Thanks for sharing your experiences with this person. (She doesn't sound like much of a friend to me.) I don't have much of any experience with friends. Anyone in my life with whom I could possibly have been a friend, I jettisoned. But I thought I would at least leave a note letting you know I read your post. And I wish you well...

[hvert]

Ugh, also a switch flipper here. Sometimes I wonder if talking things out directly would be effective, but it's usually taken me so long to get to the point of 'no more,' that there's no going back. 6 and 7 are the nails in the coffin.

[Blogwriter]

Hi Emily Fox,

I agree with you that she is not a good friend. I would cut ties with her. I wonder if the reason you kept her around is because you don't have other friends. You sound like someone who could be a friend to someone else because you are a caring person.

[Mopey]

Excellent rant, Emily Fox. Reminds me various folks I have worked with. And I believe you’re doing the healthiest thing for yourself to end this “friendship”

However, a couple of other thoughts. Firstly I have to agree with the writer above that it sounds like you would genuinely enjoy the company of others of the same calibre as yourself if you could find them. Personally from what you’ve shared it sounds like you’d make an oustanding friend and that maybe you’ve been holding onto the relationship so long because it seems to you to be the only game in town.

Secondly I do want to discuss your point about how people would think you
Are a serial killer because nobody ever comes to see you. People notice these things, you said. Oh boy, do they. That poked a very deep sore within me. So i can unequivicably assure you that just because no one comes to see someone it does NOT mean that person is a serial killer or otherwise means anyone else any harm. No, it may mean they are just a peaceful loving person like most others are, but for any number of reasons prefer to do most things by themselves.

Now i can assure you of this because this is the way i am, a naturalborn, card arrying loner, and I am sick, sick, sick of being looked at askance and lumped in with all sorts of creepy people just because I prefer to be by myself. So there.

That said, I wish you all the wonderful friendships in the world. You obviously deserve them.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I know it takes courage as we make ourselves vulnerable to judgment whenever we share personal information.

I would invest in friendships that are mutual because life is just too short to waste on an one-sided friendship.

Originally Posted by Mopey

So i can unequivicably assure you that just because no one comes to see someone it does NOT mean that person is a serial killer or otherwise means anyone else any harm. No, it may mean they are just a peaceful loving person like most others are, but for any number of reasons prefer to do most things by themselves.

Thank you for the nice post. I was kind of kidding with the serial killer joke but here is the point, when someone, who you know, has dead parents, and siblings who aren't close... makes a joke like that.. You find an excuse to visit. You do not keep bringing it up every time you see the person but then, not come.

When someone you know is a loner makes an attempt to trust you with something that a is hard to admit... ie.. I purchased a home so people could come visit and no one does, and all my neighbors notice this and at this point I am so desperate to have someone arrive I almost would pay someone... then you come over.

I have pretty much decided it is over. I will be making excuses for not doing things with her the next time she comes to my workplace. I am already scheduling things during lunch so I will have excuses not to go.

Thanks everyone for the support.

[MickeyCheeky]

Good on you for making this decision, Emily Fox Seaton! From what you wrote, she doesn't sound like a good friend. So I think your time will be better spent with someone else. I hope this thread will be an encouragement for other people who are in a similar situation. Thank you very much! Remember that you're strong

[Mopey]

Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton

Thank you for the nice post. I was kind of kidding with the serial killer joke but here is the point, when someone, who you know, has dead parents, and siblings who aren't close... makes a joke like that.. You find an excuse to visit. You do not keep bringing it up every time you see the person but then, not come.

When someone you know is a loner makes an attempt to trust you with something that a is hard to admit... ie.. I purchased a home so people could come visit and no one does, and all my neighbors notice this and at this point I am so desperate to have someone arrive I almost would pay someone... then you come over.

I have pretty much decided it is over. I will be making excuses for not doing things with her the next time she comes to my workplace. I am already scheduling things during lunch so I will have excuses not to go.

Thanks everyone for the support.

You know, Emily, to me the central fact is, you WANT people to come over and see you. God Bless You. I personally don't, but you DO. There is no magic answer to this because it takes time in a new location, but have you tried inviting a person or 2 to your house? Another possibility is to approach an organization that interests you, maybe volunteer, and get to know people there? From what I have learned about forming social relationships (which since I'm a card-carrying loner is not a lot), there's a kind of rhythm to it. Maybe, you extend an invite, if they refuse you wait. Then maybe they extend an invite to you. Then after awhile you maybe try again. If they refuse personally I would give up and let them be and figure it's not happening right now. Then wait for the next opportunity. But be really patient and keep valuing yourself and the unique gift you have to give, which is: If you like them, you genuinely want them to be with you.

All the best...