Not spoke to my friend in almost a week, and feeling so much better! Guilty though :(

Hi everyone.

I wrote a couple of weeks ago about my best friend who is incredibly toxic with an obsessive personality.

Things started to improve slightly, as she started to speak to a guy she really liked. Her mood improved, it was like he gave her something to focus on aside from being depressed. The only problem was it was ALMOST the only topic of conversation we had, about this boy. At this point she hadn't even met him yet. Anything I said would be ignored or brought back to her and him somehow.

Things started to get a bit up and down however as her anxiety often got the better of her. If he read her messages and didn't respond instantly, she would have a tantrum and cry about it. She was living her life for this guy. I kept trying to put it in perspective, said to try and relax and see what happened as there was a chance that they wouldn't "feel it" when they did eventually meet, but she threw herself into it completely.

They did eventually meet up, and things went really well initially, or so she told me. She said they got on really well and he was very sympathetic towards her illnesses. However, she did end up telling me that she was so overwhelmed she had a break down and panic attack at his house because she was so anxious over if the relationship would go wrong and their feelings for each other.

The next day she didn't hear from him, of course she was very upset. I then heard that he had called her family and told them that he didn't want to be with her because she is too ill. They did chat via message, I've seen the messages and they were very respectful and not bitter, but he didn't think they were right for each other.

For the next week, my friend only spoke about how upset she was, , how she didn't understand what went wrong. I was there for her, but it was really affecting my mood, everyday I woke up with streams of messages about how terrible she felt, asking me if I thought he would come back etc. I understand that she's upset, but they did only meet the one time, but she felt like they had "known each other for ages" and had a sort of spiritual connection with each other.

I ended up going through a bit of a worrying time myself with regards to some health stuff. I suddenly had an epiphany, I realised that while I had tried my best to be there for her through this and everything before that, I didn't feel that I could tell her my own worries, as I would just be ignored. It had always been like this, but the realisation just hit me when I realised I felt I couldn't confide in her at all, and that the friendship was too one sided for me. There are big things in my life that she hasn't even asked about, so doesn't even know about them, for instance, I moved house and she hasn't even acknowledged it!

I decided that I would just have a few days to cool off, I was angry and felt alone and didn't want to snap at her, but after a few days, I found that my mood had lifted without her influence. I feel so much better, she's always so negative about everything and now I find myself enjoying things more without the streams of negative messages.

I'm now not sure what to do, whether I should just call it quits now? I feel really guilty, the timing is absolutely terrible. She's going through what she calls the "worst she has ever felt," but I just can't cope with how awful she makes me feel, and is never there for me or has any interest in anything that's going on in my life.

Any advice? Is it ok to get rid of someone toxic? Even if they could end up with no one?

Help!

Yes it is OK. You must take care of yourself. This is co-dependency... being there for someone, helping them, even though it's hurting you and extremely toxic for you. I suggest therapy for yourself to get through this. You have to let her go somehow. She has family members that this man called, so they are alive and can also be there for her, if need be. (((hugs)))

Thanks for the reply. I totally agree. I have had some therapy recently due to self esteem issues etc so maybe this is why I am now re-evaluating this relationship and realising it isn't any good for my well-being.

I don't want to leave her on her own, but it isn't healthy unfortunately.

It was a great realization, and you've known this for some time. It IS unhealthy. And she is very very ill. I would continue with the therapy right now to help you to take care of yourself and to release yourself from any guilt for taking care of YOU. You cannot go down the drain or toilet because of someone else. You have to look after your own mental health first and foremost and she/this friendship is not healthy for you. ((((hugs))))

Thanks! Unfortunately we only get a limited amount of therapy sessions in the UK on the NHS, so I'm having to try and carry on without a therapist, but I think taking steps like this will definitely help.

I do feel much more positive without her!

Keep going with that thought and don't allow any guilt to make you cave and call her. Every time you feel tempted, remember this feeling of freedom and feeling BETTER and more positive without her in your life.

Thank you I will try. I see a lot of people who are stuck in toxic friendships and relationships. It is sad but I suppose it's a self esteem boost being "needed" by somebody else, even if it has a bad effect on you.

I'm sorry you're struggling, scarlett35 Please know that there's nothing wrong with taking care of yourself, as well. You can't help people all the time, especially if you're not feeling too good yourself. My suggestion would be to cut off the time you spend with her - you don't have to let her go completely if you don't want to, but that's your decision. Remember that she's the one that has to improve... you can only do so much to help her. Hopefully your friend will understand this, but if she doesn't, it's not really your fault. From what you wrote, it seems like you're doing anything you can to support her and offering her great advice. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but don't feel guilty

Thanks for your kind response

I am definitely backing away, we've had times where we have barely spoke because she will just cut me off randomly (if she's struggling with things, she sometimes will shut herself away), so it won't be the first time we haven't spoken for a period of time.

I just feel ten times better, I think negative attitudes really rub off on me and leave me feeling really down. She also tends to trigger my anxiety by talking about things I'm scared of and how they might happen, rather than providing any sort of reassurance.

We never had a very nice or encouraging friendship. She'd always pull things down that I did, when I joined a choir she told me she didn't like me being sociable, when I got a boyfriend she told me she didn't think he was right for me etc. Ofc at the moment she wouldn't even respond to anything like that, but that is how she has been in the past.