[JustJenny]

I am in an a strange situation that bothers me quite a bit. My co-worker seems to have a crush on me. In fact, crush is an understatement...

We are both married, so a relationship is not an option. Nevertheless, I care about him and hate to see him like this. We started off as friends, our conversations were always interesting (at least to me) and we treated each other really well. About a month ago I started noticing very clear signs of attraction from him, which include a lot of eye contact, touching "by accident", smiling way too much and so on... I realise that that the first signs must have showed months earlier, I just didn't make much of them. Anyhow, over the past month things were progressing and he does not seem like the same person anymore. Not the person I liked so much, now he is somebody else who makes very little sense when he is around me. He tries to keep it together, but I can see right through him and it breaks my heart. I try to keep it cool and act as everything is as it was, but at times he does something (like blushing for no reason) that completely puts me off track. I can see what he is going through and it hurts to watch. How I wish I could help...

In a different world I guess we would be great together. But things are as they are... Is there anything I can say or do to ease his pain? If you were hopelessly in love with somebody you cannot be with, what would make you feel better? I'd like to hear some thought, especially from guys.

===EDIT===


I realize I have omitted some facts that are relevant... So before you jump to conclusions, here they are:

1. He is my direct superior. He hired me and can fire me.
2. I did not actively do anything to make myself more attractive nor did I leave love notes on his desk. However, if he calls a meeting, I have to attend it.
3. By "hopelessly in love" I am giving him the benefit of a doubt. He has power over me, I have zero power over him. I don't known what goes on in his head and I can only guess what his intentions are.
4. This job made me happy. I am prone to anxiety and depression and I was depressed for a very long time. Reaching out here is my last cry for help before I quit (which I cannot do on very short notice for practical reasons, such as health insurance...).
5. For all the reasons above, I can only slightly limit my contact with him, which I do already. I do skip some meetings.

I am looking for advice whether there is any way I can try to revert the relationship to its previous state where we could work together.

[JustJenny]

I realized I have omitted some facts that are relevant... So before you jump to conclusions, here they are:

1. He is my direct superior. He hired me and can fire me.
2. I did not actively do anything to make myself more attractive nor did I leave love notes on his desk. However, if he calls a meeting, I have to attend it.
3. By "hopelessly in love" I am giving him the benefit of a doubt. He has power over me, I have zero power over him. I don't known what goes on in his head and I can only guess what his intentions are.
4. This job made me happy. I am prone to anxiety and depression and I was depressed for a very long time. Reaching out here is my last cry for help before I quit (which I cannot do on very short notice for practical reasons, such as health insurance...).
5. For all the reasons above, I can only slightly limit my contact with him, which I do already. I do skip some meetings.

I am looking for advice whether there is any way I can try to revert the relationship to its previous state where we could work together.

[downandlonely]

This is a tough situation Jenny. Seems like he has power over you and might compel you to do things you don't want to do. Can you talk to human resources or an unbiased third party about him? Maybe you can switch to a different department where he is not your direct supervisor. It seems that you're very vulnerable in your current position.

[JustJenny]

Originally Posted by downandlonely

This is a tough situation Jenny. Seems like he has power over you and might compel you to do things you don't want to do. Can you talk to human resources or an unbiased third party about him? Maybe you can switch to a different department where he is not your direct supervisor. It seems that you're very vulnerable in your current position.

Thank you for the kind words! This situation troubles me quite a bit.

He did not cross any lines (e.g. no explicit comments, no overt moves). I got to know him as a person and I found him to be a great boss and a mentor. His way of dealing with me helped me get through my anxiety problems and helped me get more confident profession-wise. In light of this, I do not want to harm him in any way. Nevertheless, I am very bothered by the situation. Every morning I wake up hoping that I am just imagining things. But then I get to work and see all the weirdness. If anything, I want to leave quietly... Ideally, I would love to stay, but things are not looking good...

[divine1966]

There is likely something unsatisfying in your marriage or you’d never think you two could be great together. People in happy marriages don’t think this way. I never ever think that I and some other man would be great for me. But when I wasn’t in a happy marriage/relationship, I sometimes thought that some other guy would be great. What’s happening in your marriage? Can you work on that?

My suggestion is to completely cut this man off with zero communication
that might mean leaving your job OR perhaps consider ending your marriage so you can look for a better fit.

I guess since he hasn't expressed his intentions explicitly, and maybe this is a reason not to be honest with him on how you perceive him, probably you can be very formal with him and limit the contact to what the job requires. He hired you because you are qualified, I assume, and you help his company, so, you owe him nothing. If he was nice to help you, that is great, you can return the favor professional-wise. I wouldn't quit, unless you can find another job you like first. Are you happy in your marriage? Do you have any doubts in your marriage?

[JustJenny]

Unfortunately, I am not really happy in my marriage. I have a wonderful husband who is smart and educated with no bad habits, treats me well and says he loves me. Despite all this, we do not seem to connect on the level I would like to and I end up having a void. I fill this void by talking to other people, such as co-workers, including the person in question. I seem to have a need for deep meaningful conversations that I can engage in with only a small subset of people, excluding my husband. But really, is this a good reason to end an otherwise good marriage?

[Open Eyes]

Have you talked to your husband about how you feel? Maybe you need to both see a marriage counselor. Communication is important in a marriage. Yet, it's not unusual to not get all one's needs met with a partner and desire other friends to communicate with.
It could be this other guy is lonely in his marriage too. Unfortunately, it happens after being married for a while and the initial love addiction wears off.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by JustJenny

Unfortunately, I am not really happy in my marriage. I have a wonderful husband who is smart and educated with no bad habits, treats me well and says he loves me. Despite all this, we do not seem to connect on the level I would like to and I end up having a void. I fill this void by talking to other people, such as co-workers, including the person in question. I seem to have a need for deep meaningful conversations that I can engage in with only a small subset of people, excluding my husband. But really, is this a good reason to end an otherwise good marriage?

Yes it’s good enough reason to end marriage. What’s the point of being in marriage that’s not happy? What could possibly be the reason? I could maybe understand having young kids and not wanting to leave but otherwise what for? Life is too short