[leomama]

He kept asking me to tell him I love him and I couldn't do it because he wouldn't see me. Now he's been gone for 27 days and I am a mess. I've realized I've been profoundly depressed. My brother's mother in law offered to give us a free couples counseling class but he turned his phone off so I can't tell him and he's not responding to any of my emails. I didn't know I was so deeply depressed. I don't know what to do. I want to apologize to him, tell him I love him, I'm in love with him, I need him, I want him, but I can't because I can't reach him.

[SorryShaped]

If it's been 27 days, you may have to face that he's changed numbers and isn't coming back for anything. Sorry you're hurting

[leomama]

Well it’s been 6 days since he turned it off, but yes, it’s beginning to look like he abandoned me even though he told me he loved me and told me to fix it and says he wasn’t with anyone else . I hear he thinks I’m very troubled and disturbed so that doesn’t bode well for me either. Oh well. And I thought we were getting married.

[SorryShaped]

Things rarely work out like we want them to. Did you love him when you could have said it or did it feel forced? I'm sure at least something could be learned from all this. I've learned from every time I've loved someone

[leomama]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

Things rarely work out like we want them to. Did you love him when you could have said it or did it feel forced? I'm sure at least something could be learned from all this. I've learned from every time I've loved someone

We were engaged and I didn’t say it over the phone because I wanted to say it to him in person and he wouldn’t make plans to see me unless I said it to him. Catch 22 . I don’t think I’m going to love anybody else after this. I’ve loved him all along but I was frozen, he of all ppl should understand that. Now I want to tell him and it’s too late although he hasn’t blocked my email or social media so who knows. He did say he would be changing his number. I feel like someone told him I’m the one with the pd and he should go no contact with me. I hear he thinks I’m very unhealthy and disturbed. It’s really

[SorryShaped]

It is really sad. My own paranoia from mixed moods and mania have lost me lots of people over the years. I'm probably safer but definitely alone. Someone really wanted me to tell her that I loved her before and it felt like I was being handed the weapon I'd been stabbed with and told it was ok to use it on myself. Yikes that sounds messed up! But, it's how I felt. Love, the word, had been weaponized against me for years, because it was always followed with "but..." I don't want to feel it again. I say this, but have a date tomorrow. I almost don't want to go. But, I digress.
Maybe you need to work on you, become a better you in case of next time?

[leomama]

there was nothing wrong with me, I don’t have paranoia or mixed moods. I was frozen . It wasn’t an unforgivable sin. He had been trying to discard me since dec last year . I simply don’t understand why he just didn’t get rid of me. You shouldn’t turn off your phone if someone doesn’t say I love you. He wasn’t even answering. It would go straight to voice mail and then I’d get a voice mail. The fact I was trying to make plans to see him intimated I cared. I’m not going to get into a finger pointing game so I’m going to hold my peace. The fact that I was still trying to communicate with him meant something. It meant I hadn’t given up and was still trying. That says I love you loud and clear.

[SorryShaped]

My point is that anyone can always be improved upon. I know I can. His loss is his loss. If he was trying that long to discard you, then you should have walked away. Ever hear the phrase, "don't go where you ain't wanted?"

[leomama]

I did try to walk away hence the estrangement and his being hurt. I was trying to reunite with him . I know I’m not perfect.

Originally Posted by leomama

I did try to walk away hence the estrangement and his being hurt. I was trying to reunite with him . I know I’m not perfect.

I see that you have made a sincere effort. It seems like you needed some time to think things over but something got lost in translation and he assumed you don't love him or whatever. Even if he doesn't come back, maybe you still want to clear the misunderstanding so you can have closure. I hope you get this opportunity, but if you don't, it's okay to take your time to grieve this loss.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by ennie

I see that you have made a sincere effort. It seems like you needed some time to think things over but something got lost in translation and he assumed you don't love him or whatever. Even if he doesn't come back, maybe you still want to clear the misunderstanding so you can have closure. I hope you get this opportunity, but if you don't, it's okay to take your time to grieve this loss.

Thank you exactly . I don’t understand why he would tell me he loved me and I needed to fix this, turn back on my calendar , and then turn off his phone and not reply to my emails or messages. He could have simply told me goodbye. Now I’m left hanging. Thank you for seeing I tried!

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by leomama

He kept asking me to tell him I love him and I couldn't do it because he wouldn't see me. Now he's been gone for 27 days and I am a mess. I've realized I've been profoundly depressed. My brother's mother in law offered to give us a free couples counseling class but he turned his phone off so I can't tell him and he's not responding to any of my emails. I didn't know I was so deeply depressed. I don't know what to do. I want to apologize to him, tell him I love him, I'm in love with him, I need him, I want him, but I can't because I can't reach him.

I'm sorry that you are hurting right now!

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

If it's been 27 days, you may have to face that he's changed numbers and isn't coming back for anything. Sorry you're hurting

That true! It a very good possibility.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by Buffy01

That true! It a very good possibility.

Yes I know and my daughter’s coming home and I’ve got to hide this from her. She doesn’t like it when I get hurt over him. I thought we could work things out while she was gone but it didn’t happen. It was my clearly stated intention to him but he didn’t accept one of my invitations to go do something. The person who said I needed to take time to think things over was right. That should be allowed in a relationship. I didn’t cut him off. I simply wanted to ease back into it after being apart for 3 years especially now that I’m working full time. I didn’t know how to juggle a relationship and a job and he made fun of me for that. In my previous relationship my now ex husband was very erratic and I don’t have that kind of flexibility or energy anymore. Previous when I was seeing my fiancé I wasn’t working so I could just do whatever. I’m actually a lot healthier now then I was then but ironically he says now I’m very unhealthy. Go figure!

[divine1966]

I am sorry you are hurting but if that’s the same man you’ve been seeing before, pathological liar, then you are better off. As much as it hurts it’s better to stir away. If that’s the same guy, did he get divorced? He was married then. I hope it’s not the same guy. But if it’s a different man, he sounds unhealthy. Why not jusf break up instead of changing his phone number. So dramatic. Hang in there. Good riddance to this loser

[leomama]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I am sorry you are hurting but if that’s the same man you’ve been seeing before, pathological liar, then you are better off. As much as it hurts it’s better to stir away. If that’s the same guy, did he get divorced? He was married then. I hope it’s not the same guy. But if it’s a different man, he sounds unhealthy. Why not jusf break up instead of changing his phone number. So dramatic. Hang in there. Good riddance to this loser

It is the same man and he is divorced which is the reason for the 3 year separation. I love him and am in love with him
And was prepared to deal with the challenges . I don’t understand why he didn’t just tell me he didn’t love me anymore instead of telling me he loved me twice, and telling me to
Fix it, and getting furious with me for accusing him
Of gaslighting and telling me he wasn’t with anyone else. Why would he tell me to fix it and then go and turn his phone off? Why not just say goodbye?

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by leomama

It is the same man and he is divorced which is the reason for the 3 year separation. I love him and am in love with him
And was prepared to deal with the challenges . I don’t understand why he didn’t just tell me he didn’t love me anymore instead of telling me he loved me twice, and telling me to
Fix it, and getting furious with me for accusing him
Of gaslighting and telling me he wasn’t with anyone else. Why would he tell me to fix it and then go and turn his phone off? Why not just say goodbye?

Because he isn’t a decent human being. People who lie like he does (among other not so nice things he did) do not live by the same rules as decent people do.

My therapist always says that it’s a waste of time trying to figure out why people do what they do as you might never get an answer. All we can do is focus on why we do what we do.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Because he isn’t a decent human being. People who lie like he does (among other not so nice things he did) do not live by the same rules as decent people do.


My therapist always says that it’s a waste of time trying to figure out why people do what they do as you might never get an answer. All we can do is focus on why we do what we do.

This is true but according to him I’m the unhealthy and disturbed individual, so we’re a perfect match I’m not really trying to figure it out, figure it out isn’t a solution, I’m letting go of it and giving it over to God. I still want to marry him but if he wants to terminate his phone and ignore his email and messages there’s nothing I can do about that. At this point I don’t see myself getting engaged again. It’s still too fresh.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by leomama

This is true but according to him I’m the unhealthy and disturbed individual, so we’re a perfect match I’m not really trying to figure it out, figure it out isn’t a solution, I’m letting go of it and giving it over to God. I still want to marry him but if he wants to terminate his phone and ignore his email and messages there’s nothing I can do about that. At this point I don’t see myself getting engaged again. It’s still too fresh.

Why would you want to marry him? Makes me also wonder if he didn’t see you for three years, why asking you for love declarations. Sounds like he is playing games.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Why would you want to marry him? Makes me also wonder if he didn’t see you for three years, why asking you for love declarations. Sounds like he is playing games.

No, I didn’t see him for 3 years, 2 of those were waiting for the divorce and the 3rd was because he simply didn’t bring his divorce papers to church like I asked him to or mail them. He told me in an angry email that I couldn’t read. That’s what I’m saying, I distanced myself 3 years ago to wait for his divorce but I didn’t terminate it. We could’ve started rebuilding last year but he decided to break up with me before his divorce was finalized.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by leomama

No, I didn’t see him for 3 years, 2 of those were waiting for the divorce and the 3rd was because he simply didn’t bring his divorce papers to church like I asked him to or mail them. He told me in an angry email that I couldn’t read. That’s what I’m saying, I distanced myself 3 years ago to wait for his divorce but I didn’t terminate it. We could’ve started rebuilding last year but he decided to break up with me before his divorce was finalized.

Let yourself grieve, I understand it hurts. He doesn’t sound like reliable partner though. So in a long run it’s for the best

[leomama]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Let yourself grieve, I understand it hurts. He doesn’t sound like reliable partner though. So in a long run it’s for the best

Yes I know , the way he’s talking about me as if I’m a deeply unhealthy and disturbed person and he broke up with me a month before his divorce was finalized. Like, ok, that really did a lot of good. I still love him though. It was a 6.5 year relationship . It really hurts.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by leomama

Yes I know , the way he’s talking about me as if I’m a deeply unhealthy and disturbed person and he broke up with me a month before his divorce was finalized. Like, ok, that really did a lot of good. I still love him though. It was a 6.5 year relationship . It really hurts.

If he broke up with you a month before getting divorced, he had no business to get engaged. He was still married. Also if he didn’t see you for three years, how did he propose? Over the phone? Sent you a ring by mail? This dude is out of his mind to say the least. It’s a blessing he is gone. Do you see a therapist to help you through?

[leomama]

Originally Posted by divine1966

If he broke up with you a month before getting divorced, he had no business to get engaged. He was still married. Also if he didn’t see you for three years, how did he propose? Over the phone? Sent you a ring by mail? This dude is out of his mind to say the least. It’s a blessing he is gone. Do you see a therapist to help you through?

We had a long distance relationship where he would come and see me. We were engaged while he was married, which is why after 3 years of that I pushed the pause button, not the stop button, not the eject button. At any rate that is my dilemma, he claims he broke up with me one month before his divorce was finalized. Of course we continued to communicate as I had no idea he had broken up with me. I thought that was a joke because I was the one who was waiting for him to get divorced from his wife. Yes I saw several therapists to help me through. I wouldn't say its a blessing he is gone, it hurts, I miss him and I love him but there is nothing I can do to get him back. He has an aunt who is a therapist and she was treating him for his ptsd. He said something really bad about me to her so I'm sure she was instrumental in his "letting me go". He didn't even tell her he proposed to me, he simply told her I was his girlfriend. I was like, what?!?

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by leomama

We had a long distance relationship where he would come and see me. We were engaged while he was married, which is why after 3 years of that I pushed the pause button, not the stop button, not the eject button. At any rate that is my dilemma, he claims he broke up with me one month before his divorce was finalized. Of course we continued to communicate as I had no idea he had broken up with me. I thought that was a joke because I was the one who was waiting for him to get divorced from his wife. Yes I saw several therapists to help me through. I wouldn't say its a blessing he is gone, it hurts, I miss him and I love him but there is nothing I can do to get him back. He has an aunt who is a therapist and she was treating him for his ptsd. He said something really bad about me to her so I'm sure she was instrumental in his "letting me go". He didn't even tell her he proposed to me, he simply told her I was his girlfriend. I was like, what?!?

Marrying someone like that wouldn’t result in happy marriage. You can never trust him. He seems to enjoy game playing.

He “pretend” proposes while being married to someone else (you can’t be engaged AND married at the same time unless one is in polygamist), then refers to you as a girlfriend behind your back while claiming being “engaged” to your face, he breaks up with you but not tell you that, instead keeps dragging you along, refuses to come see you yet demands unreasonable declarations of love, and all insane lies in the past! Do you want a husband like that? Not a good foundation for marriage. It would be a nightmare!

I’d focus on working with your therapist on figuring out why you’d want to have him back and be married to someone like that. Of course even if bad relationship end it hurts, but good times are ahead.