Told my daughter

She can decide to move in with me if she wants. Basically I wanted her to be empowered, not that I think she will. Too big of a change. But I feel good about telling her that.

You mean she can when she turns 18? I don’t think she can now since dad has full custody.

My mom used to tell me that if I ever wanted to change my mind, their door was always open. Courts will, indeed, take a child's desire for where they want to live, into account after a certain age. It varies from state to state. I wound up a couple of weeks before my 16th birthday, living with my mom anyways under its set of circumstances. A written signed note was the only thing needed between my parents to get that ball rolling with their lawyers long before the official courthouse documents were created to change the custody and child support arrangements.
It's a nice gesture. Whether or not your daughter acts on it is a different story.

The courts would consider, yes.

But I wouldn’t be telling a child that she “can” do something if you don’t know for sure if she can. Does the other parent on board or does he object to it?

In cases when one parent has full custody (not just physical custody) I do not believe that non-custodial parent should be telling children that it’s up to them and they can do something about situation that has not been discussed with custodial parent. I don’t believe it’s right. I dont think it’s a nice gesture, I think it’s irresponsible gesture.

I also wouldn’t tell her to live with you until you are on your own in subsidized housing place. I don’t believe it’s a healthy environment for 16 year to live with your mother, taking in consideration your mother abusing you physically hitting you and such.

Good Point about the grandmother in this situation. Plus the comments about her appearance from her grandmother. And in my case my parents had joint custody with visitation schedules. Meaning the legal custody was split. Physical custody just specifies where a child resides primarily. The legal custody means that both parents need to sign off and agree on healthcare, education, etc.
Does the OP have shared legal?

No no legal custody. In addition to not consulting custodial parent, was grandma consulted? In addition to grandma being abusive to all honesty it’s her house!

I always shared legal custody, but my daughter lived primarily with me. If her dad told her during visits that she can live with him, I’d be distraught. He’d never do that. Whenever discussion arised re living arrangements, we consulted with each other first. You don’t put that responsibility on children. And you don’t ask them to come with you live in someone else’s house in volatile environment. It’s not considerate of everyone involved. Kids aren’t toys.

I bow out. This is disturbing for me.

We have joint legal. She can decide in my state, but like I said I doubt she would. She has said she wonders what it would be like to live with me. So I told her she could. I also told her she'd see my parenting side if she did and it would be a big change.

I wanted to add before bowing out, myself. That my mom was only offering an open door when I was calling her so very distraught about various things that were happening in my own living situation such as my dad taking off at night and staying out until all kinds of ungodly hours. Which is a very different scenario indeed.
My dad took my mom through the ringer in that divorce. So she was anxious about more court shenanigans.
Different time, different era.

“It would be a big change” in what sense? Are you hinting that you would be a better parent? It’s not an appropriate comment. And when did you obtain legal custody as you didn’t have it just few months ago

I feel like I am missing something..where is the information about abuse, the home, the grandma and all that?

It’s in different threads that the OP has started over time here. The op has been very judgemental here about her daughter. The way she dresses, her hair, her religious views, her weight. The op also resides with her mother who is also very judgemental of the child. It’s a toxic environment for a kid to live in-which is why some who answered in this thread seem upset.

Your not empowering a child when you are inviting them to live in a hostile, judgemental environment.

It’s actuallya little twisted.

I’m bowing out of the thread as well. I read it and was immediately distraught.

If you really have joint legal custody than conceivably she could live 50/50 with either parent? If I am right about that then she would already be living with you if she wanted and if her dad thought the environment was good. Based on what I am reading it still sounds like her father is the custodial parent and he is responsible for her welfare. The courts are notorious for siding with mother's in custody cases so the fact that she is not with you speaks volumes. And even if a child says they want to live with a parent the courts give only small weight to the wishes of a child in cases where the parenting situation is full of strife. So if everything was perfect and you, her dad and her all worked together then MAYBE the child's wishes would be given more weight. But with any sort of strife, neglect and stuff like that going on the courts will want stability over what the child wants because a child, even a teenager can be unfairly influenced by a parent, even a bad one.
I do not know the specifics of your situation but based on the small amount that I do know....if her dad didnt speak to you and say that you should offer her a place to live then it was extremely selfish of you to offer that. And confusing to the child.

I agree

@OP: could you at least summarize related information when you post follow ups to prior conversations or links to the prior conversations? Posting as you did here, it seems to assume one knows the context of your statements as some do know but in a public forum such as this, many readers will not actually know what you're referring to in the context of a larger subject.

Just a suggestion.

Hi Aviza,

I would not invite other people to live with me if I was physically abused in someone else's home. I especially would not do that to a child or a pet, whether that animal or person is wanted or not.

Youre new here - you can see all a persons posts and other info by clicking on their name.

To sandman: i think the OP is entitled to reveal as much as she wishes in any given post. She is entitled to have fresh eyes look at her post, without judging her from previous posts.

I agree. People absolutely don’t need to share more than they want to. But then responses likely to be useless plus posters might spend time figuring out helpful advice that could be completely irrelevant and even dangerous.

One liners like “I told my daughter she can come live with me” could mean 100 different things: for example it could mean that her daughter lis homeless and lives on the street and is currently snowing and they live above Artctic circle. Most certainly it would solicit fresh look and concern of posters how poor child needs to be brought home immediately. It’s not what is really happening though.

Yeah but i digress

The statement of "entitlement" is irrelevant here. What does anyone's entitlement to post as much or as little have to do with what I said? I did not imply that they were "required" to do anything but actually clarified why it might help their post by adding more information or linking to the previous statements on the conversation. it was a "suggestion".

I give up.