[Icedgem]

Been together nearly 2 years
Over the last 3 months we have been arguing a lot about sex. I want it a lot more than he does and the more I pressure him the more he says it pushes him away. Crunch time came over the weekend when he said he can't stand the arguments anymore and wants space.
I was upset angry and confused but managed to offer love and understanding towards him and we have agreed he will call me in the week to 'catch up' and we've haven't spoken since.

In march he told me about his childhood sexual abuse that happened when he was 6 from his baby sitter.

I was also abused as a child when I was a bit older than 6 but have never told him this.

Given I am majorly thinking about the events that have caused this need for space it's finally clicked. Both of our approaches to sex have been shaped by our trauma. How I never ever realised this before is baflfing but I think it's true.

His withdrawal from intimacy has stemmed from his abuse.

My over desire for sex has stemmed from mine. We are both at 2 totally different ends of the scale as a result of the same
thing.

Now, for me, I view sex as a way of showing love and being cared for.

I was told by my abuser that is why it happened, because she loved me and cared for me.

All my adult life I've had a lot of sexual partners one nights, flings, you name it! And I think this is why.

I want to desperately tell him now that I FINALLY understand. I understand why he is how he is.

I also want to tell him about my abuse why wonder if I should? Given the situation I don't want to tell him and trigger him into a downward spiral but also if I tell him and he decides he's leaving then I've shared something with him that I've never shared with a partner and then he just takes that and leaves.

All advice welcome

[eskielover]

Getting things spoken for the first time is important even if he leaves with the information. The things we keep hidden & quiet have way too much power over us. You have as much healing to do as he does. Neither extreme is good.

[Icedgem]

Thank you for your reply.

I know I need to get it out but wonder if it's the right time?

This is his thing he's going through I don't want to make it about me

[eskielover]

If you are TRULY partners everything about each other is RELATIVE to the relationship. The thing is "your thing" is causing him to go through "his thing" & "his thing" is causing you to go through "your thing". It is ALL related when it comes to a relationship

[Blogwriter]

Hi Icedgem,

Sexual abuse is devastating and affects people in different ways. I recommend individual therapy for both of you to resolve your issues with sex. Either extreme can cause problems with relationships.