Tension with daughter & husband

My relationship with my daughter has always been strained and now it’s harder because my son-in-law is a bit hostile toward me. For years I have worked hard to be as nice as possible to my daughter. I try to be kind and encouraging and buy her nice gifts at Christmas and birthdays. I always feel uncomfortable around her and now it’s even worse because her husband is hostile toward me. For example, he will give me intense glares for what appears to be no reason. He won’t do it when my husband is around. He smirks at things I say. He will get silent and refuse to acknowledge me at times. He’s also very dirty. When he and my daughter come it’s unpleasant to clean up the bathroom they used. His lack of hygiene in the kitchen puts hubby and I completely off. My daughter used to be very neat and tidy but even she has become kind of messy now. He’s very controlling. My hubby fears this man has the potential to be abusive - maybe not physically but emotionally.

They’ve recently had a baby and while I want to spend time with the baby, I’m just fed up with the hostility and the general bad manners. Not only that, they clearly have high expectations of me.... it costs me a lot of money in food and gifts any time I see them. I don’t want to alienate them... especially since the relationship with my daughter has been partially estranged as it is. But I really don’t enjoy being around them and I don’t even enjoy seeing the baby on FaceTime as I have to witness son-in-law glaring at me and making verbal corrections when he disagrees with things I say.

My plan has been to just suck it up and deal with it. I’m resenting the amount of money I end up spending on them though and hubby thinks we should cut that back. They don’t ever say thank you or show any appreciation. It always feels like they don’t think I did enough for them. I feel a strong pressure to cater to them, otherwise I won’t be able to bond with the baby. I’m tired of being a doormat. How do you bond with your grandchild without being a complete doormat to their parents?

The one I feel sorry for is the baby. And I will be honest with you in that if I saw the parents getting drunk and abusing alcohol around that baby I would be reporting it to DCYF. If your daughter's home is filthy and her and her husband are abusing alcohol constantly around that child, then that child needs help and Child Services may need to intervene. I have myself anonymously reported child neglect. Being drunk around a baby is WRONG and very dangerous. And it will get even more dangerous when that baby begins to explore because the mother might be too drunk and the baby can get into something dangerous. Truth is NOW there are a lot of children that see their parents overdose. Alcoholism is an extremely narcissistic and selfish disease and NO child deserves to suffer with alcoholic parents. Think about it, if YOU and YOUR husband are uncomfortable around your daughter and her husband think about how it will be for an innocent baby and child. So, "please" seriously consider sharing your concerns with child services and you CAN report anonymously.

Alcoholism is an extremely narcissistic and selfish disease and NO child deserves to suffer with alcoholic parents.

This is all good advice and ideally it would be the healthiest thing to do... talk it all out with my daughter and a therapist. At this point I think the best I can do is be kind and get along. There’s a long history of stuff here and I’ve been rejected so many times in the past... so I work on acceptance and how I can cope with it. Thank you so much for your kind encouragement. Probably at this point I need to work on myself... things like better boundary setting and better acceptance of things I can’t change... That’s why I’m here talking about it. The problem-solving might need to start with myself and go from there...

OMG yes I have almost said something like that. I have so badly wanted to call him out for glaring at me.... and your suggestion is definitely a light and harmless approach to addressing it. Hubby has advised I stop trying to censor myself so much around him and to just be myself.

It sounds like you are not wanting to be direct for fear of not being able to have a relationship with the baby or with your daughter or both.

I agree with the other person who suggested counseling. For you and your husband to learn some techniques for dealing with your daughter and son-in-law.

If you don't want or can't afford that--you might try an old-fashioned technique of allowing your husband to be more of a buffer between your daughter+son-in-law...for example...Dad might say: "We're not big drinkers, and so if you want Stoli [beer, wine, whiskey, whatever it is] while you are here, I suggest you bring it with you."

Dad might also say: "Mom has been tired lately. When you visit, please don't expect her to prepare food all day long. We eat 3 meals a day and a snack about 3, that's plenty to ask of her."

Dad could say: "Fried food is off the menu here; if you want that when you are here, why don't you and [the glaring son in law] plan to go out by yourselves one evening while you are here, Mom and I will stay home with baby." And all of these things you could say for yourself. None of what I suggest is rude, mean or unloving. We can love our children without catering to them.

Stop buying gifts other than for the occasions you want to buy them; and then temper the amount you spend. If you get any expressed problems with that...say "At this point in my life I need to conserve my finances." Any pouting or dirty looks, you can ignore -- or you can address.

I'm guessing he learned to be greedy in his own home and your daughter is under his influence plus it suits her unspoken agenda--her unspoken agenda seems to be some sort of unhappiness. But remember, she is an adult now. She can get therapy to deal with her unhappiness.

The hard fact is that with people who think money is everything? There is never enough money/gifts/extravagances.

Your daughter's problem could have very little to do with anything you have done or not done. You might try approaching it like that:

"Daughter, you seem unhappy." [wait for response]. If you are accused directly of something, respond as appropriate.

If you are given a vague, "need more things/money/extravagances," respond with a hard truth that all parents should be able to tell their children: "Things/money/extravagances do not make a happy life...here are some things that do: [then according to your culture, faith, lifestyle, etc. share some things that do: love among family and friends, doing a good job, enjoying time with friends and family, getting an education, contributing to the betterment of society, etc...]"

Filthy son-in-law should be told directly: "We clean up after ourselves in this household; please wipe down the counter after you shave, etc" [whatever applies] Bullies are only able to bully like he has been doing because you are folding under his glare and continued boorish behavior.

I know I have posted a lengthy reply. Bottom line: when we love each other we want the best for each other -- going both ways. What is best for your daughter and son-in-law is that they stand on their own two feet and what is best for you is you love them without being enslaved by them.

I'm guessing you are fearing they will withhold the baby from you. I am doubting they will; and I suggest you move forward with the idea that they will not do this. I wish you and your family the very best.

You’re exactly right. I’m acting with the fear at every step of what the consequences might be. I’m paralyzed by it...I would give everybody the same advice you guys are giving me... and that is basically... to stop it.

My daughter did the same... dropped out of high school... drugs for a few years... lots of financial issues piled up.... she did pay off her debts because we made it clear we would only help if she either went back to school or if she worked a second job instead of partying all weekend. She never worked a second job and never went back to school. Hubby and I have worked hard and saved and have gone without extras like vacations in order to prepare for retirement. But all my daughter sees is that we have a nice home and they both clearly assume we can afford whatever.... the son in law even mentions expensive steak houses and whatnot while he’s here.

Everybody is right in telling me I have failed to set boundaries. My daughter went more than a decade of only talking to me and visiting about twice a year... guess when those times were... she called and visited around her birthday and Christmas. I’ve allowed myself to be guilted into generosity at birthday and Christmas because I never helped her out when she went through hard times.... I offered help but on the terms that she also help herself and so she refused it.

I’ve got to get a grip on this emotionally so I can make better decisions. If I don’t, that grand baby will walk on me just like they do. And when I do retire, I can afford to feed and entertain them like this.

You are completely right. I’ve taught them to treat me like a doormat. I don’t let anybody else in my life walk all over me... except my daughter and it’s a big double standard... I’ve beat myself up for years and years that I’m a bad mother and I’ve got to stop it.

It sounds like they both have a problem with alcohol. Do either of them work?

That is great advice! But be prepared that you might lose the rights to see your grandchildren because they don't agree with the boundaries.

Thank you. My grandmother didn’t have money either and I very rarely saw her. But I loved her dearly as I know she loved me very much. She passed away when I was very young but I have always felt her presence with me. I won’t be able to see my grandchild often as they live several hours away but I will make the most of the time I get and hope for the best. The baby sees the other grandmother almost daily so I already feel edged out. My only choice is to accept the situation as it is but some days I feel very sad about it.

We're not discussing my grandchildren, Buffy. If it came down to "losing rights" I'm pretty sure it would be for a court to decide.

The OP's daughter might try withholding visits with the baby; however I wouldn't live my life and make decisions catering to her to try to ward off what may never happen--although this decision is OP's to make. I think it more likely daughter will find it pleasant to have grandchild visit Grandma and Grandpop so daughter and son can do their thing, so grandparents will still have some contact.

I don't have grandchildren yet but as that baby gets older, maybe there will be a chance to babysit? As in, the parents are on a date or working. I hope you are able to continue to see your grandchild.

My memories of my grandmother were of us cooking together and listening to Elvis records. She had very little money and didn't buy me things yet she managed to spend quality time with me and made me feel loved. Try to stick with a budget if you can because a baby remembers being held, sang to, read to (library) and interactions not gifts. Oh, and my grandmother made me feel like I was always welcome and "belonged" at her house anytime I was there. She babysat the three of us (we were a handfull) all of the time.

It really must be upsetting to have to put up with your son in-law and daughter and have to depend on their good will. You want to have quality time--not troubled time with your grandchildren--I hope they don't ruin that. You ARE at their mercy so try to just do the best you can--sometime you do have to have time outs from relatives that are toxic. It will be tricky for sure when we have anxiety, etc. we are personally dealing with. You will want to be at your best when you are spending time with them. I think quality counts more that quantity.