[saidso]

Is it inevitable that couples, and friends, end up fighting about different ways of dealing with life problems.

In my current life, I have a friend who believes that the way to deal with having flu, or injuries, is to "push through them".

I became so sick with asthma through pushing my way through chest infections that my doctor used to yell at me.

My friend comes to see me with flu and coughs all over me despite my asking him not to do so because getting asthma again can lend me in hospital.

We both come from disadvantaged backgrounds, and I remember that my dad never took a day off sick from work in his entire life. I both "get" the need to keep going, and feel resentful that my friend infects me with viruses that scare me because I can land up unable to breathe.

Ways of dealing with illness seem deeply ingrained in both of us - beyond the usual level of care, respect and rationality.

Illness is an issue for me currently but I'm sure that there are other deeply ingrained patterns that people have from their pasts that can drive partners crazy. How do you discuss this? It's not just about illness, but about vulnerability, being reflective or "hitting the town" to escape. Things that draw people to each other can also split them apart!

Saidso

[saidso]

P.S. I wanted to write something more about "beyond the usual level of care, respect, and rationality" because being physically ill with a virus makes all this stuff harder to hold on to???? How on earth do people stay together please?

[MickeyCheeky]

It sounds like your friend is not being respectful to you at all, saidso. Asthma can be a very serious think and even though he can deal with illness in the way he prefers, he shouldn't bring you into it. I think you should avoid contact with him while he's sick. How is the rest of your relationship with him? Does he treat you with the respect you deserve? Please stay safe and take care of yourself. Sending many hugs to you

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by saidso

Is it inevitable that couples, and friends, end up fighting about different ways of dealing with life problems.

In my current life, I have a friend who believes that the way to deal with having flu, or injuries, is to "push through them".

I became so sick with asthma through pushing my way through chest infections that my doctor used to yell at me.

My friend comes to see me with flu and coughs all over me despite my asking him not to do so because getting asthma again can lend me in hospital.

We both come from disadvantaged backgrounds, and I remember that my dad never took a day off sick from work in his entire life. I both "get" the need to keep going, and feel resentful that my friend infects me with viruses that scare me because I can land up unable to breathe.

Ways of dealing with illness seem deeply ingrained in both of us - beyond the usual level of care, respect and rationality.

Illness is an issue for me currently but I'm sure that there are other deeply ingrained patterns that people have from their pasts that can drive partners crazy. How do you discuss this? It's not just about illness, but about vulnerability, being reflective or "hitting the town" to escape. Things that draw people to each other can also split them apart!

Saidso

this seems less about how you deal with illness and "pushing through" than it does with simply that your friend has bad etiquette and manners when it comes to being around others when you they are ill.

values and how you handle illness is something you can talk about in a different conversation but simply put you just need to tell your friend if they are sick to stay away and/or shied you from it and that is not because you have asthma but because it's good manners to warn people, cover your mouth, and if necessary stay away from others, period when you're ill.

Their manners are not because they are the type to push through illness but because they are rude, period. you simply do not cough and sneeze all over other people when you are infected. that's just common sense.

[saidso]

yes, he is selfish.
but the truth is that when I have a cough and my life needs me to keep going, it gets to a point where I don't know that I'm coughing.
when I'm physically low like this I feel only (at least mostly) negativity towards others, along the lines of "now you've brought me down to your level".

how do you have the conversation about values and how to handle illness please?

I seem only able to initiate such conversations when I'm not sick <rolls eyes>.

In fact, I was in a similar situation just one month ago. I was visiting friends and someone wanted to burn incense and incense is the one asthma trigger that I'm sure can land me in hospital. They already knew that I am asthmatic, and I explained that if they want to burn incense I will have to leave the house for the day - which I did. The next day the same person said to me: "but incense is good for you".

I was angry, and thought "you are crazy, absolutely crazy" but telling people that they are crazy isn't respectful so I said nothing... and instead felt crazy myself.

Is holding on to this some sort of identity struggle do you think?

Honestly, I would say that if he doesn't respond to you when you ask him politely then tell him in a not so nice way. If he tries to come over to your space sick, refuse to let him in and tell him to screw off.

I am like this and people get the hint real quick to leave me the hell alone when I'm sick. I don't get sick that often, but when I do I usually am stuck in bed for a few days or more. I have a difficult time controlling my mental health issues when all of my energy is being directed towards healing my body. People learned real quick to leave me alone because I become extremely rude and hostile towards people when I'm sick. Picture me at my worst on here when I fight and argue and multiply that by 5-10 and you get the idea.

So yeah, my point is sometimes you have to assert yourself to make people respect you. Friends/relatives outright fear me when I'm sick because I have developed such a reputation of hostility when I'm sick.

[sarahsweets]

It is incredibly selfish to be around others or work when you are that sick. Some people think it makes them a "trooper" or makes them seem dedicated and a fighter. It makes them an asshole- just an ill asshole. I am direct about cold and flu season. When I go to 12 step meetings where everyone holds hands at the end, I tell people that during cold and flu season I will grab their arms but not hold their hands. If I am sick I step back from the circle and own it.