I am starting to hear this more often now.

Someone says, "I can't stand such and such. S/he has issues."

I respond, "Then distance yourself from him or her."

The person replies, "Oh, but s/he helps me out when I need him/ her."

I want to say:

"You can't have it both ways:
If you can't stand someone, and is always going to complain about that person to me, then be prepared to let that person go and forego the help.

If you insist on keeping that person around in your life to help you, then you are going to have to become more tolerant of that person and stop complaining about him/ her to me all the time.

But you can't have it both ways."

Does that sound too harsh? If so, how would you reword this?

[Betty_Banana]

I think you worded it quite well.

[healingme4me]

I don't think it's harsh. The inflection in your voice could matter when you say it. Maybe try for matter of fact? In a way that doesn't let your frustration with this person/situation trickle through?

[LiteraryLark]

My mom made a good point to me about other similar issues...in brief, she said phrase it to sound like it is their idea, their own thought, don't tell them to do something so harshly because it comes off as rude and demanding.

My mom doesn't know about PC so I'm not saying this because I told her about this or anything.

I think the way you initially phrased it sounds like "OMG STFU I'm so sick of hearing this!"

Obviously, that's not how you want to come across.

I would say instead, "It's completely up to you, but think about how important this person is to you and why you need the help from them, and I would reconsider if the help you need is worth the problems you seem to have with this person. Either way, I'd rather not discuss this person with you any further because it's too much for me to handle."

[sarahsweets]

I think it depends on the context and the relationship you have with the person.

[WishfulThinker66]

Hmmm, are we missing some posts here?

I agree with the opening statement about not having it both ways. I see time and time again people around me expecting this. If a person is causing so much turmoil in your life that is toxic. As with any toxic substance it needs to be removed.

When seeing this around you and someone's attempts to bring you in occurs then I think you need to put up a boundary to prevent that. You could point out you have already made comment on the issue and that it is a mute point and you feel no differently now. Perhaps even say, ask me for help after you have made a decision or choice.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by ennie

I am starting to hear this more often now.

Someone says, "I can't stand such and such. S/he has issues."

I respond, "Then distance yourself from him or her."

The person replies, "Oh, but s/he helps me out when I need him/ her."

I want to say:

"You can't have it both ways:
If you can't stand someone, and is always going to complain about that person to me, then be prepared to let that person go and forego the help.

If you insist on keeping that person around in your life to help you, then you are going to have to become more tolerant of that person and stop complaining about him/ her to me all the time.

But you can't have it both ways."

Does that sound too harsh? If so, how would you reword this?

What if you tried: "Oh, but I thought you said s/he helps me out when I need him/ her"??

Then let the reply (and there is bound to be one) go over your head "blah, blah, blah, blah" -- I don't think this sort of complaint really needs a great deal of thought (or response the person talking to you probably feels safe telling you this stuff--if you don't want to hear it, do a little reflection of the pertinent part of their comments and then move on to another topic -- or another room. If someone did this to me all the time and it was the majority of my interactions with that person? I'd find a way to minimize my time with that person.

[eskielover]

"Can't have your cake & eat it too" comes to mind.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by ennie

I am starting to hear this more often now.

Someone says, "I can't stand such and such. S/he has issues."

I respond, "Then distance yourself from him or her."

The person replies, "Oh, but s/he helps me out when I need him/ her."

I want to say:

"You can't have it both ways:
If you can't stand someone, and is always going to complain about that person to me, then be prepared to let that person go and forego the help.

If you insist on keeping that person around in your life to help you, then you are going to have to become more tolerant of that person and stop complaining about him/ her to me all the time.

But you can't have it both ways."

Does that sound too harsh? If so, how would you reword this?

No it sound like a great plan to try.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Betty_Banana

I think you worded it quite well.

I agree. It is great advice!

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I don't think it's harsh. The inflection in your voice could matter when you say it. Maybe try for matter of fact? In a way that doesn't let your frustration with this person/situation trickle through?

It sound like a putting up a boundaries

[sarahsweets]

My favorite phrase I coined: "Toxic people are like toxic waste-they both need to get dumped".

Originally Posted by WishfulThinker66

Hmmm, are we missing some posts here?

I agree with the opening statement about not having it both ways. I see time and time again people around me expecting this. If a person is causing so much turmoil in your life that is toxic. As with any toxic substance it needs to be removed.

When seeing this around you and someone's attempts to bring you in occurs then I think you need to put up a boundary to prevent that. You could point out you have already made comment on the issue and that it is a mute point and you feel no differently now. Perhaps even say, ask me for help after you have made a decision or choice.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by ennie

I am starting to hear this more often now.

Someone says, "I can't stand such and such. S/he has issues."

I respond, "Then distance yourself from him or her."

The person replies, "Oh, but s/he helps me out when I need him/ her."

I want to say:

"You can't have it both ways:
If you can't stand someone, and is always going to complain about that person to me, then be prepared to let that person go and forego the help.

If you insist on keeping that person around in your life to help you, then you are going to have to become more tolerant of that person and stop complaining about him/ her to me all the time.

But you can't have it both ways."

Does that sound too harsh? If so, how would you reword this?

Sounds like a wisdom to me. If they have a problem with someone but want the benefits of the friendship they need to realize that talking behind the other's back to complain is really being a terrible friend in the first place. So that doesn't make them look good. Besides a real friend will take it up with the friend directly rather than gossiping to another about them.

So it really comes down to they are using the other person for their own benefit in spite of really disliking them which is an even lower standard of how to be with friends.

Likely this person will find another to gossip to and my advice to you is to stop with this friendship. doesn't seem like a quality friend

[MickeyCheeky]

I don't think you should have any problem with this, ennie. So I wouldn't worry too much about it. Of course you can't predict how that person will react, but I don't think it's harsh at all to say that. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

I’m terrible with finding the right words and I’ve often been told it’s not what I said but how I said it... That aside, I don’t think what you said sounds harsh at all. It’s honest and it’s good advice.