[hvert]

Does this sound familiar to anyone? I LOVE being alone, so much so that usually when I schedule a meetup, I feel really annoyed. But at the same time, I feel obligated to socialize, even though as soon as I schedule something I start wishing the other person would cancel.

My fear is that if I don't continue seeing people on a regular basis, I will forget how to socialize (already not a strong point) and have even fewer friends than I already do.

[saidso]

Yes I do feel similar things BUT I believe that enjoying company is a learned behaviour. So I am gently searching for how to learn that.

[Blogwriter]

Hello hvert and saidso,

You both sound like you are introverts. That can be a good thing, because you can enjoy time alone. Some people can't stand to be alone. I am an ambivert, which means sometimes I enjoy socializing. Please make an effort to socialize once in a while, because otherwise you may develop social anxiety. If you are afraid of socializing with people, please seek help through individual therapy or a support group.

I am like this. I want to have friends but I really enjoy being home. I also don’t enjoy bars or partying or eating big meals, etc. I like to hike or do volunteer work so that narrows socializing for me even more.

[hvert]

saidso, I think you are onto something re: this being a learned behavior. I've noticed that the less often I socialize, the more I dislike socializing, which speaks to Blogwriter's point. I can't tell if it is anxiety driven or not - I don't feel anxious about it as much as I just don't want to do it and would rather be doing something else.

Sisabel, I do volunteer work too. I started off doing volunteer work to boost my socializing but found I kept picking the assignments I could do alone, anytime I wanted, lol. There are a lot of hiking groups in my area, but when I hike, it's to enjoy the outdoors, see animals, look at plants, etc. A crowd of people doesn't improve the experience.

Ten (or twelve) years ago I went out every night, met up with people everywhere I went. Now I am back to wanting to be alone and anonymous. I wonder if I'm an ambivert that switches every ten years.

[may24]

I can relate to this. I often get frustrated before meeting someone, even if it's a good friend of mine. I am an introvert and I enjoy time alone, but I can also have fun socializing. (Though when I'm out with friends I often come home earlier than the rest).
I've noticed that when I feel frustrated, "not in the mood to go out" etc. it's usually not as bad once that I actually do it. Like, the idea of it is always more difficult than the reality. I try to force myself to not to cancel the plans I have with other people.

[hvert]

I get that too, it's not as bad to go out as I feel like it is before I do it. That part makes me wonder if it's some kind of anxiety thing? I don't cancel plans myself but wish other people would - and when someone cancels on me a lot, I stop making plans with them, so win-win, I guess

I crave connections where I am recognized and respected, which is rarely the case because of my bad social skills. So, I prefer to be alone.

[sarahsweets]

I think the importance of social skills is under rated. They are very much important and it will help you not just in being friends with someone but in having empathy and compassion for people which is a part of the human makeup. I do not think you will lose all social skills but they will be extremely limited if you avoid socializing. I think that even though it may make you uncomfortable that you should still force yourself to do it.

[Iloivar]

Originally Posted by hvert

Does this sound familiar to anyone? I LOVE being alone, so much so that usually when I schedule a meetup, I feel really annoyed. But at the same time, I feel obligated to socialize, even though as soon as I schedule something I start wishing the other person would cancel.

My fear is that if I don't continue seeing people on a regular basis, I will forget how to socialize (already not a strong point) and have even fewer friends than I already do.

How do you feel when you eventually meet up with the person? Do you end up regretting your time spent with them?

With regards to socializing, is it just as mentally taxing for you to interact with others online?

And how does your social skills compare now from when you actually had the desire to socialize?

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I think the importance of social skills is under rated. They are very much important and it will help you not just in being friends with someone but in having empathy and compassion for people which is a part of the human makeup. I do not think you will lose all social skills but they will be extremely limited if you avoid socializing. I think that even though it may make you uncomfortable that you should still force yourself to do it.

I agree that social skills are very important in everything in life, and that you become better with practice. However, I don't agree that social skills will make you more empathetic and compassionate. It can be the opposite.

[MickeyCheeky]

I understand how you feel, hvert. From what you wrote, it sounds like you're an introvert and that you enjoy spending some time alone. There's nothing wrong with that. I do believe it's important that you continue to socialize, though. Social skills are very important in life, not to mention you'd avoid being completely lonely. So I think you should keep doing what you're doing. You're doing well. Sending many hugs to you

[Alpha03]

Hey, you could join social clubs from your hobbies or even online meet ups.

As for social skills, start off small, make eye contact, smile, say hi to the person, converse with people if you are at the train station, this could be about anything, such as the weather.

Listen, expand on their answers. I agree with others, social skills are very important in life.

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by Background Noise

I agree that social skills are very important in everything in life, and that you become better with practice. However, I don't agree that social skills will make you more empathetic and compassionate. It can be the opposite.

I guess what I meant was social skills force you to interact with others which can take the focus off of ourselves. Which I believe helps at least a little with compassion and empathy. I am not sure how social skills could make you less empathetic or compassionate if that is what you meant. Like it or not when we have anxieties, fear and rumination, very often we are self absorbed. I dont mean that its selfish or egocentric just that we are thinking about ourselves and how we feel and its very hard to focus on ourselves if we are interacting with others.

[hvert]

Originally Posted by Iloivar

How do you feel when you eventually meet up with the person? Do you end up regretting your time spent with them?

With regards to socializing, is it just as mentally taxing for you to interact with others online?

And how does your social skills compare now from when you actually had the desire to socialize?

I met up with two people this week on two different days. The first person, I enjoyed meeting up with them and was glad I got out of the house. The second meetup was so problematic that I am still angry and frustrated about it two days later.

Socializing with people online comes easy. I enjoy it and spend too much time doing it!

Your last question really intrigues me because my social skills now are actually about the same as they were back when I was much more actively social - they weren't very good then either, but I went out a lot more and was often in situations where socializing was required. In the past I've had some extremely extroverted and gregarious friends, which makes it all easier, but my husband and I are both introverts.

I wonder how much living with someone else affects the lack of desire to have a lot of friends.

Originally Posted by hvert

Does this sound familiar to anyone? I LOVE being alone, so much so that usually when I schedule a meetup, I feel really annoyed. But at the same time, I feel obligated to socialize, even though as soon as I schedule something I start wishing the other person would cancel.

My fear is that if I don't continue seeing people on a regular basis, I will forget how to socialize (already not a strong point) and have even fewer friends than I already do.

Well, it depends on your value system. If you are an introvert and prefer to have few close friends than many superficial ones, there is nothing wrong with that.

It also depends on their value systems. Some people believe that closeness means constant meeting and texting each other. Some people are more independent, secure, and possess stronger boundaries. They prefer quality over quantity. They are focused and busy with their own lives (careers, etc.) so you see them only occasionally. But when you do spend time together, you engage in deep conversations.

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I guess what I meant was social skills force you to interact with others which can take the focus off of ourselves. Which I believe helps at least a little with compassion and empathy. I am not sure how social skills could make you less empathetic or compassionate if that is what you meant. Like it or not when we have anxieties, fear and rumination, very often we are self absorbed. I dont mean that its selfish or egocentric just that we are thinking about ourselves and how we feel and its very hard to focus on ourselves if we are interacting with others.

Put 3 sociable people together. What would happen? Yes all would interact with each others, but not to listen to each others, but to make others listen to him/her, and social skills would be used to bring attention to oneself. I know some outgoing people who cannot be more egocentric and arrogant and overconfident even when they don't know anything. They try to prove themselves everywhere they sit. My point is that social skills are important to life, but it's also illusive and superficial in most cases. In that sense it's underrated and overrated at the same time. But most humans like it because it is a way how their egos meet.

[Iloivar]

Originally Posted by hvert

I met up with two people this week on two different days. The first person, I enjoyed meeting up with them and was glad I got out of the house. The second meetup was so problematic that I am still angry and frustrated about it two days later.

Socializing with people online comes easy. I enjoy it and spend too much time doing it!

Your last question really intrigues me because my social skills now are actually about the same as they were back when I was much more actively social - they weren't very good then either, but I went out a lot more and was often in situations where socializing was required. In the past I've had some extremely extroverted and gregarious friends, which makes it all easier, but my husband and I are both introverts.

I wonder how much living with someone else affects the lack of desire to have a lot of friends.

Honestly I don't think you should force yourself to socialize in order to maintain your ability to do so. Especially if your skills have remained roughly the same, and that no other issues come with a lack of or minimal amounts of socialization as others have mentioned such as a sense of loneliness or development of social anxiety.

Maybe just socialize when you want to, and not out of a need to do so. That might avoid unsatisfying meetups with friends.

As to the last part of the post, maybe it's because the person you live with fulfills you socially (as well as online relationships) that you don't deem it necessary to make new friends?