[ak482]

I'm dealing with a rather unusual situation at the moment. I'm a 36 year old male, living by myself. I have a friend (also male) who is constantly wanting to spend the night at my place. Key word being constantly, not as in "I need a place to crash." Am I wrong for being completely weirded out by this? He tells me he's afraid of being alone, but doesn't say he's in imminent danger. Is there a way to say "no" without being a complete jackass about this?

Yes there is a way to say no without being a jackass. Just say "No." I'm just being cute. But it's true too. Just because you say "no" doesn't mean you're a jackass. It might mean the person you're saying no to will feel upset though. And while you are not in existence to calm his feelings, sure, it would be a good thing to be kind about it. You could say "I really need my space right now." You could also ask him why he stays over so much, like why is he afraid to be alone? If you want to know. It might help you understand. But you can always say no. Maybe he's struggling with something. You won't know unless you ask. If you think it might make him upset or hurt his feelings, you could try to soften it by saying you value his friendship, but that you need to limit the amt. of time people are spending overnight at your house.

[healingme4me]

"No, that's not going to work for me."

Where does he usually stay when not trying to stay at your place?

[ak482]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

"No, that's not going to work for me."

Where does he usually stay when not trying to stay at your place?

He has a place of his own, which is the strange thing. He hasn’t given me specifics either; almost like he just doesn’t like being alone. I get that but I’ve also made clear I have no interest in living with anyone (unless & until I get married or am in a serious relationship with a woman

I’ve mentioned that I’m generally a person who relishes alone time. And certainly tonight is impractical since I have to be up dark and early at 6 AM to go to work tomorrow.

I feel almost creeped out. Does that make me intolerant

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by ak482

He has a place of his own, which is the strange thing. He hasn’t given me specifics either; almost like he just doesn’t like being alone. I get that but I’ve also made clear I have no interest in living with anyone (unless & until I get married or am in a serious relationship with a woman

I’ve mentioned that I’m generally a person who relishes alone time. And certainly tonight is impractical since I have to be up dark and early at 6 AM to go to work tomorrow.

I feel almost creeped out. Does that make me intolerant

No, it makes you a person that appreciates your personal space and this friend is pushing the limits of that space.

Originally Posted by ak482

He has a place of his own, which is the strange thing. He hasn’t given me specifics either; almost like he just doesn’t like being alone. I get that but I’ve also made clear I have no interest in living with anyone (unless & until I get married or am in a serious relationship with a woman

I’ve mentioned that I’m generally a person who relishes alone time. And certainly tonight is impractical since I have to be up dark and early at 6 AM to go to work tomorrow.

I feel almost creeped out. Does that make me intolerant

I agree with what healingme4me said. You have every right to have your own feelings and needs about this situation.

[ak482]

Thanks for your help folks. I feel this is way too clingy of a situation. And to be somewhat tart, a little juvenile (he's asked me to stay at his place too).

[AspiringAuthor]

Is it possible that it is an unusual way to express a homosexual interest in you? Are there any other unusual signals he gives off?

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

I'm wondering if since he gives no specifics of where he lives - maybe he is homeless and to embarrassed to say it and afraid of being outside alone at night but has nowhere to go ..

[skiguy18]

Sounds very odd to me. It would make me think he has some kind of gay interest in you. Otherwise I can't imagine what he is thinking.

[Iloivar]

Why do you relish alone time? The answer to that question can perhaps serve as an explanation when you set you're boundary if you haven't already, and you can state that it's nothing personal, as you would do the same with most people i assume.

I also agree with knitchick though, just plainly asking him why he spends so much time at your place and why he's afraid to be alone. Was this rather sudden behaviour on his part? If yes, You could maybe preface by saying that he's been acting unusual lately and you're curious or concerned, and since him being in danger has crossed your mind, that might not be too far from the truth.

Also, besides the fact that he constantly wants to stay at your place and/or spend time with you, is there anything else unusual about his behavior that verges on you being uncomfortable?

[saidso]

I agree with Knitchick, Healing4 and everyone else. All you can do is calmly state your truth: "I'm a tad uncomfortable with the frequency of your overnight stays here. I do value your friendship but this doesn't work for me." Sounds like you are also uncomfortable with being manipulated by him: if he has a want/ need for something and you are friends he should come out and say so.

Being friends means owning our stuff and trusting that will be ok for the other person. You own your feelings and he owns whatever he is doing. In my opinion, because I am sometimes scared to hurt other people also... but I wouldn't let a friend act manipulative (there may be a kinder word but I can't think of it right now/ act in an irresponsible manner which is uncomfortable) without calling them on it. It shows caring your the friendship to call him out on it, and to express your needs/ discomfort. Unspoken discomforts are destructive to friendship, not?