A story of my Becca- running away, drugs and alcohol.

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Originally Posted by ennie Oh yeah, that's right. Self-care is so important amidst all of these. What do you do for self-care to recharge?

Well AA has really saved me in this situation. I have learned through getting sober what boundaries are and how not to enable someone. If I wasnt so familiar with addiction I do not know if I would have taken the steps I did to protect myself and my family. I have always been sympathetic to mental illness, addiction and behaviors associated with it. Her mental illness is managed pretty well since she started back on her meds in rehab and IOP. She doesnt know who she is or what she wants to do, and I get that.

So in a way part of my self care has been to let go and accept that she is an addict who wants to make it on her own. I like to read- I am a legit speed reader. I have a rigid sleep routine that I structured when I had to get out of perpetual insomnia. The alcoholic in me means that sleep meds are not good for me. So I wake up and go to bed in the same window of time every single day. I love waking up early. I wake up at 4 to have an hour and a half all to myself. I like posting here a lot. I am getting re-purple-ized on Tuesday since I will be completely out of commission for who knows how long. My self care involves eating and drinking enough food and water and sleep hygiene.

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Originally Posted by Open Eyes Her moving around doesn't mean she is unhappy, it means she is unhappy being in one place too long. Usually these kind of minds do best in jobs where they travel more and get to move around from place to place more. My older brother has ADHD and he finally found that he did best with traveling sales jobs and he is constantly hoping on planes and literally moving around to see different clients. My older brother was always a challenge, had a mind of his own and would run away, was quite the adventuresome type.

I can appreciate what you are saying and if drugs and alcohol/addictive behaviors were not involved I would agree with you more. The mental illness manifests itself in risk taking behaviors (sex, substance abuse) and extreme impulsiveness without assessing the risk or harm to herself. She is always looking for where she fits in and is learning to be comfortable in her own skin. I have told her her whole life that as long as she is happy and self sufficient I don't care what it is that she does. Her new job is in hospitality (front desk at a Marriot) and she said she thinks she could advance it into a career. I praised her because this is the first time she has thought beyond just getting by.

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Now, your daughter has had eight jobs? She gets along with people, her real problem is she gets bored, then begins looking for another job. HOWEVER, if she had a job in sales where she could visit all these places, move around to these different places where she sold them something or was some kind of supplier, she would not get so bored. Are you getting the picture here?

Yes I get the picture and like I said if she were older, not in early sobriety it would be easier for me to see what you are saying. When she finds her niche it may well involve a job that is constantly changing or challenging or that she may move around. But I assure you these 8 jobs she has had she either quit or was fired due to absences or calling out, or looking for somewhere that isn't too hard to work. Her most favorite job was wawa and she quit that when she was partying with the girl she was staying with. She told me that she phoned her supervisor the last day and cursed him out for giving her a written warning about absences. She literally fired herself and burned the bridge there. She says she loves this new job and I support her in it.

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Running away isn't always actually running away, instead it's changing location, needing to explore, getting bored with one place routines. We tend to TRY to get people to conform to get locked into a routine or we consider them bad, yet, not all people are set up to excel and do what we think is normal for all children and young adults.

I want to clarify that she literally left a note on the table and left. She left to go live with this girl and her mother where drugs and alcohol were tolerated. She had a drug dealer. She was not looking to expand her horizons, she wanted to party and because she was 18 she knew we couldnt do anything. Once we figured out who she was with, the school officer visited her to tell her that her family loved and missed her and wanted her to reach out to us but being near constantly under the influence she was not in her rational mind. I have no interest in getting her to conform to anything or saying she is bad. If she is bad for these things then so am I because I am an alcoholic. Her leaving causes major trauma with our family and we went to family therapy to process it and learn about radical acceptance.
I have adhd myself and take adderall for it. She has tried stimulants over the years and could never tolerate it. A lot of bipolar people have trouble tolerating stimulants because it can play into mania and mood.

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Often the true challenges show up in the late teens like you have described taking place with your daughter. These children can be challenges to the best of mothers, so you can't be blaming yourself. I am sure she does love you too, but she has that restlessness in her that even SHE doesn't understand.

Thank you for this.

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Not everyone is set up to go to work every day at the same place, it's simply not how they are set up to be. So I think it would be helpful for your daughter to learn about herself, what makes her happy and to find something she can do where she moves around and can make a living at the same time. Same thing with these fishermen, they need to get in their boats and just go, and they love that lifestyle.

She needs to maintain consistency with her meds, sobriety and location. That is what her doctor has said and her sponsor and other recovery friends. She turned 19 in Feb and I do not know a single 19 year old that knows themselves-myself included.
Thank you for taking such time to reply to me and please dont think my replies are at all defensive or rude. I just wanted to really clarify the addiction piece- its vital that she do certain things to stay sober. We are both 12 step participants and we both know what is recommended. You make a lot of excellent points that will totally apply to her when she moves beyond the chaos of addiction and the addict lifestyle. I really hope she sticks with it at this job and is able to support herself as far as her rent. We help her with things she cant afford-which is basically anything other than gas,rent and her phone bill. (thank god rent in sober houses is by the week (she pays 130$ a week) and she got herself a walmart phone plan. We have the car we let her use in the shop now because it wouldnt start. My poor husband tried changing the starter and was laying on the ground under her car at night in 11 degree weather. Her dad is amazing!

I understand, when it comes to alcohol or drugs being involved, it's a much bigger challenge. I went through all that with my husband who has ADHD and Dyslexia and all the years he would go out on binges and apologize and be good for a bit then go out on another binge. And I understand the whole friends thing in that these friends also are involved with drinking and drugs too. He did not respect boundaries either, still working on that tbh with him. His life even sober revolves around his disease and he goes to a lot of meetings even now and I am often alone. It's very hard when it comes to this challenge. It's not unusual for the person who has the problem to blame things on others either I have experience with that as well. It was hard for me to read all you wrote because I honestly know how it feels to struggle with that constant worry and praying the person you love is safe and how helpless it can feel.

I used to have "one day at a time" under my Avatar and a lot of people thought that meant I had issues with alcoholism, well, it was not me but you DO have to learn how to take things one day at a time even when you are not the alcoholic yourself. It's hard to explain that, but I think you know what I am saying.

You are right in that your daughter doesn't really have the maturity to know who she is right now. Yes, she is going to have to learn how to stay sober, but also she will need to learn how she thrives best and what kind of nich will suit her best. It's a process and definitely takes time to slowly figure it all out. My prayers are with you ((sarahsweets)), it takes a lot of strength to deal with on your part, this much I know and it sure is not easy.

I admit I didn't read it all. But I myself was misguided youth and I got an dwi at 19 and it was the worse thing that could have happened to me. By then I had I had been to 2 misguided treatment centers. Rum just by ex junkies (most are today) when I was I was 19 very vulnerable and naive I had a male counselor come in in my room 3 times . Trying to get sex with me. (I later learned the other ladies were begging for him to sleep with him. They were prostitutes outside of the treatment center so he looked good.)

I could go on and on and on about the abuse I experienced in aa. It haunts me. It's horrible to deal with.

And open eyes pls don't respond to me. I know your husband is a die hard aa er. To all pervert in some languages. Just jjoking. But don't respond please......

Hi Sarah, just read your updates. Happy for Becca's progress.