[nesaya]

I started dating a man last april, we have known each other for 10+ years but never got involved in the past. At the moment it is a long distance relationship as we live in different countries now, but we talk/video chat several times a day and visit each other whenever possible.
He had relationship issues in the past, he was very honest about it and told me all about his past relationships and what kind of dynamic and patterns they involved. He was attracted to cold and distant women. He had a 12 year on/off relationship with a woman. During the course of those 12 years they pretty much tried everything to be together but it always ended in fighting and they never spent more than a week together at a time.

In August he told me he wanted to confront himself to see if the old pattern still attracted him or if he was getting over it as i'm neither cold nor distant. So they ended up in bed together... he tells me it wasn't cheating because he told me beforehand, but I still feel cheated. he also claims there was no penetration, only touching. She suggested they continue having sporadic sex even though she has been in a relationship for almost a year.
He didn't tell me right away, all he said is he wanted to come and visit as soon as possible to talk about it, so my mind went to all sort of places and in the end i confronted him 2 days later saying it couldn't wait for him to get here, I needed to know right away what happened or he should not bother coming. The whole thing made me really insecure and has taken a toll on my self esteem.
I never liked her much before that, but since I have developed a hatred for her, my problem is he still sees her every month or two for work, and every time I get really worked up, jealous, insecure, angry and bitter and I do not cope well with the situation. Also she has no boundaries with him whatsoever. She keeps phoning and texting him in the middle of the night, I know she does this regularly and all he said was she has no sense of time, I hate that he won't set any boundaries... When he talks to her he still refers to her in cute nicknames. He claims their relationship is now neutral but still won't take me with him when they work together, he says we'll "scratch each others eyes out" and that the tensions between us would affect their work.
I want to believe that he is faithful to me, I know he loves me, but i'm really struggling here, does anybody have some advice for me?

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by nesaya

He had relationship issues in the past, he was very honest about it and told me all about his past relationships and what kind of dynamic and patterns they involved. He was attracted to cold and distant women. He had a 12 year on/off relationship with a woman. During the course of those 12 years they pretty much tried everything to be together but it always ended in fighting and they never spent more than a week together at a time.

His way of explaining this sounds like he was setting you up ahead of time in order for him to feel he had permission to do a certain thing or act a certain way.

In August he told me he wanted to confront himself to see if the old pattern still attracted him or if he was getting over it as i'm neither cold nor distant. So they ended up in bed together... he tells me it wasn't cheating because he told me beforehand, but I still feel cheated. he also claims there was no penetration, only touching.

I hope you realize that this was the biggest line of bull ***** you might ever hear from him. And that it was not your fault and that you did not give permission and that it doesnt matter if they knitted in bed or had an orgy, it was wrong on so many levels.

She suggested they continue having sporadic sex even though she has been in a relationship for almost a year.
He didn't tell me right away, all he said is he wanted to come and visit as soon as possible to talk about it, so my mind went to all sort of places and in the end i confronted him 2 days later saying it couldn't wait for him to get here, I needed to know right away what happened or he should not bother coming. The whole thing made me really insecure and has taken a toll on my self esteem.

Whatever she said to him isnt your concern its his actions and what he says to you that are your concern. What kind of value on intimacy with you does he have? This would be a huge dealbreaker for me. And of course its taken a toll on your self esteem- how could it not?

I never liked her much before that, but since I have developed a hatred for her, my problem is he still sees her every month or two for work, and every time I get really worked up, jealous, insecure, angry and bitter and I do not cope well with the situation.

I do not blame you. I am the least jealous person and I would be jealous. And I wouldn't trust him to not do anything and I wouldn't believe him if he says they haven't, didn't or wont do anything. He may say he told you ahead of time but that is crap too. Does that mean you can go sleep with a coworker? So as long as you tell him ahead of time its ok right?

Also she has no boundaries with him whatsoever. She keeps phoning and texting him in the middle of the night, I know she does this regularly and all he said was she has no sense of time, I hate that he won't set any boundaries... When he talks to her he still refers to her in cute nicknames. He claims their relationship is now neutral but still won't take me with him when they work together, he says we'll "scratch each others eyes out" and that the tensions between us would affect their work.
I want to believe that he is faithful to me, I know he loves me, but i'm really struggling here, does anybody have some advice for me?

He does not love you the way you think. Someone that loves you would not do that. Someone that loves you wouldnt be texting at midnight with an old girlfriend who he admitted was cold and unattractive. You are right to be suspicious and I personally would never trust him again. What do you think he may do if he thinks that BS excuse of wanting to "check and see" is fair or adequate? Like its ok because he said something to you.

Umm.. yes. Advice: GET OUT and BREAK UP WITH HIM.

This man is lying to you AND cheating on you. He is full of BS when he told you it was not cheating. And BS there was no penetration. Come on. I thought I've heard it all, but that is a big fat lie.

Unless you've agreed to an open relationship where you both can have sexual relations with someone else and that is OK by both of you, he cheated. I assume you are both in a supposedly committed relationship? So he not only cheated, but now he's manipulating you into thinking it wasn't cheating! What a scumbag!!!!

Also, him not being able to create boundaries with her? He is having his cake and eating it too! He gets BOTH you and HER, and gets to do what he wants. He most likely is having sexual conversations with her late at night (why else call late at night????) and who knows what else. SHE is cheating, and so is he.

If you are supposed to be in a committed relationship with him, this man is NOT worthy of you OR your time.

Please don't waste another minute of your precious life on him. Long distance relationships are very VERY difficult to maintain.

This is not a problem of you being jealous and insecure -- it's a problem of infidelity and dishonesty on his part.

Please reconsider the relationship and think about what I've said. I am so sorry... and please forgive my straight forward manner of talking. Just being 100% honest and direct.

[Bill3]

My advice is to break up with him and block him on all possible means of communication.

[Skeezyks]

Thanks for bringing your concern here to PC, nesaya. I see this is your first post. So... welcome to Psych Central.

I don't know as there is a lot I could add to what has already been said in the other replies you have received. I guess the one thing I would say is that, regardless of anything else, this is a complicated set of circumstances you don't need, in my opinion. Here are links to 4 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that talk about what healthy romantic relationships look like. Perhaps reading through them can be helpful to you in putting what you are experiencing with this man into perspective:

Are You In A Healthy Relationship?

What Makes Relationships Happy and Healthy? Couples Therapists Weigh In

What Healthy, Happy Couples Do and Don't Do

How Healthy Couples Manage Conflict

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[divine1966]

Oh boy. Run! A cheat and a liar. He talks to her in the middle of the night, calls her cute nicknames and sleeps with her because they are still in a relationship. It doesn’t stop him from playing games with you. Cheats on her with you and on you with her. What an “upstanding” guy. If you had sex with this guy, make sure you check for STDs. People like him often spread STDs.

Good luck

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by nesaya

I started dating a man last april, we have known each other for 10+ years but never got involved in the past. At the moment it is a long distance relationship as we live in different countries now, but we talk/video chat several times a day and visit each other whenever possible.
He had relationship issues in the past, he was very honest about it and told me all about his past relationships and what kind of dynamic and patterns they involved. He was attracted to cold and distant women. He had a 12 year on/off relationship with a woman. During the course of those 12 years they pretty much tried everything to be together but it always ended in fighting and they never spent more than a week together at a time.

In August he told me he wanted to confront himself to see if the old pattern still attracted him or if he was getting over it as i'm neither cold nor distant. So they ended up in bed together... he tells me it wasn't cheating because he told me beforehand, but I still feel cheated. he also claims there was no penetration, only touching. She suggested they continue having sporadic sex even though she has been in a relationship for almost a year.
He didn't tell me right away, all he said is he wanted to come and visit as soon as possible to talk about it, so my mind went to all sort of places and in the end i confronted him 2 days later saying it couldn't wait for him to get here, I needed to know right away what happened or he should not bother coming. The whole thing made me really insecure and has taken a toll on my self esteem.
I never liked her much before that, but since I have developed a hatred for her, my problem is he still sees her every month or two for work, and every time I get really worked up, jealous, insecure, angry and bitter and I do not cope well with the situation. Also she has no boundaries with him whatsoever. She keeps phoning and texting him in the middle of the night, I know she does this regularly and all he said was she has no sense of time, I hate that he won't set any boundaries... When he talks to her he still refers to her in cute nicknames. He claims their relationship is now neutral but still won't take me with him when they work together, he says we'll "scratch each others eyes out" and that the tensions between us would affect their work.
I want to believe that he is faithful to me, I know he loves me, but i'm really struggling here, does anybody have some advice for me?

He cheated on you and is still cheating on you. Dump this guy.

[healingme4me]

I don't think it's fair to classify this as an issue of jealousy.

That's plain ole heartless/gutless betrayal.

So sorry you're going through this.