Letting go

How can you learn to trust someone new, after being lied to, manipulated, betrayed by someone in the past? Has anyone ever done it?

I'm trying to let go of what I cant control. I can't control him. As much as I want to. If I do, he will only leave me. What scares me is the unknown. People can physically or emotionally cheat and lie about it. They cover it up because it's the easy cowardly way out.
What if he's emotionally cheating on me now? He's surrounded by young fit women at work. He probably checks them out or imagines them without clothes. Haha. He's a guy. Guys a visual sexual beings. What if a connection goes too far or he gets bored of me. I don't think we spend quality time together anymore. It's like I'm just a housemate. Someone to chill with and watch tv with at the end of the day. I hate my body I hate myself.

Has anyone got any thoughts to help let go of what you can't control?

I am sorry you are hurting. Do you have any reason to suspect he might be cheating or might want to leave? often times people worry about relationship because it’s not going well otherwise why worry? It’s hard to give up
control, I know what you are saying. But I am more concerned why are you feeling this way. Besides not spending quality time, how is everythhhv else going in the relationship?

Have you expressed any of this to him? If so, what was his reaction? If not, I think it'd be a good idea to have a conversation with this about him, and if you decide that's an option for you, my suggestion would be to try taking measures that could prevent the conversation from escalating into an argument. For example, emphasizing that these thoughts are due to your experience with past relationships, and are not his fault. As for the lack of quality time, stating that fact would ideally strive for him and you to work towards what both of you perceive to be quality time.

Also, I have a few questions that only serve to get more information so myself and other posters could possibly help you more.

When did this lack of quality time begin? When he settled into this particular workplace you're paranoid about? Did your distrust arise from these two factors? Or was there already some before this?

Furthermore, how long has it been since you've felt this way towards peoplle in general? Maybe if this has been going on for a long time, seeking a proffesional would help with these thoughts if you haven't already?

Letting go of trying to control things and people outside of ourselves is sometimes hard, that's definitely true but throughout the rest of your post I hope you can look at it and realize that all of it is based on fear and not necessarily justified fear. What someone else did to you, what others do to people does not affect your situation, and your partner. what he does is not based on the idea of your past experiences with men or what any other man does but who he is and his own personality and level of integrity and devotion to you.

So as divine stated, has he given you reason to not trust him? Not based on fear, has he ever given you any reason to believe he's doing anything but be faithful to you? This is what you need to ask yourself when you are overwhelmed with fears and anxiety, and suspicious of things.

The truth is, yes, men tend to be more visual and are more driven by sex. But does that eliminate their ability to control themselves and be faithful? men are not in bondage by sex and they do have the ability to see attractive females not have to be compelled to hit on them, flirt or desire them. Give your partner some credit, that is unless, as we already said he's given you reason not to trust him.


If you want to go the "what if" route, let's change that to an equally legitimate question such as "what if he makes no connection to other women just because he is surrounded by them?" or "what if he continually chooses to close his options to other women because he's already attached?" Change your questions and you get better answers.


So work on that, bring it up to him and tell him you feel like you're missing that and would like to work harder at having more quality time. You should never assume things "just happen" You make them happen between the two of you, if there's no quality time happening it's because no one has said anything and no one is making the effort to do so. It's not all on him, but on you also.


This last part is quite telling of the fact that this is all fear based and based on your own feelings of being inadequate. "you hate your body and hate yourself" so you assume that what follows is that others feel the same about you and likely it's completely not true.

Hope this helps.

No, THIS boyfriend hasn't given me any reason to doubt him. He's nice and there's the problem. Girls flock to him to talk about their relationships, when it falls apart or just for the 'guy friend'. It makes me laugh to think about how many girls I've felt insecure about and he hasn't left me for any of them. I struggle making just one friend from either gender.

So yes it is me and my problem. But I thought it was all my problem in my last relationship then i got a text message after we split saying he cheated on me more times than he could count. So.. It's just hard healing.

ahhh I understand now. if you've been through being cheated on, that is indeed soemthing that will stick with you awhile but at least you know that your anxieties are within yourself.

I think that communicating with him is essential. If you make it so that he knows that you are aware of this being your issue and talk about what you can do as a couple to alleviate this anxiety that might help.

In the meantime, keep in mind, when you think about the women surrounding him and "flocking" to him, you can either use that to instill fear by worrying all of the what ifs, or you can use it to help you realize that he continually is choosing you which will in turn strengthen your understanding of what you mean to him but it's something you ahve to actively pursue. it won't automatically happen, negative and worrisome thoughts usually are far more automatic and you have to make the effort in your mind to battle those things. but after awhile it will change your perspective and expectations, believe me.

Thank you. I've been trying really hard to change my thinking. Communication is hard because I don't think he knows what to say to me about it. He definetly knows about it. What can he do that doesn't involve changing who he is

About a year ago, I decided I needed to concentrate on helping myself so I decided to pursue new friendships(and prove to myself that you can just be friends with the other sex). That has backfired because now I'm left with a good friend who also makes me feel uncomfortable- i have to tell him to stop or i just ignore him when he takes it too far. Once he sent me a picture of him shirtless ( It was completely out of no where)I don't want to hang out with him in person. Having said that, most of the time he is okay, but I still keep trying to distance myself from him. Now I'm even more uncertain about friendships with the opposite sex. But then if I cut him off completely I'll be back to square one.. friendless with my boyfriend talking to everyone. Ive also been starting to wonder if I'm a little on the spectrum because I'm awkward and I just don't understand friendships. Is sending a shirtless picture of yourself to a friend okay?

Sorry I went on a tangent. I am hearing you!! Now I'm just venting sorry

Honestly I’d not call talking to male strangers online and sending/receiving semi inappropriate pictures from them “friendship”. You not wanting hanging out with him and being uncomfortable woth him does not translate to “friendship”.

No sending shirtless pictures to “friends” isn’t ok. It’s equally not ok to accept said pictures and go on like nothing happened.

Yes it’s ok to have friends of opposite gender however it’s a bit different to go online and search for them on purpose. My husband has a female friend (she is also married) , they are former college classmates and of course I know her now too. He didn’t go online looking for her

If you have opposite gender friends you introduce them to your significant other and you don’t keep it a secret. Does your boyfriend know about this man? Was introduced to him? If not, what you are doing is somewhat questionable

Why aren’t you looking for female friendships? Why men? And strangers to boot?

I’d talk to a therapist or a doctor re inability to make friendships and difficulty understanding relationship dynamics.

I don't think there's anything wrong with going out and looking for friendships and I think you can still be friends via texting. Lots of friends aren't able to meet in person. Thats just my opinion though. I didnt meet him on a dating website- it was through a sports social club. When it ended we just kept in touch.
I really was looking for female friends but it didn't work out like that unfortunately. I still am trying to find female friends but it's hard. Perhaps i gave the wrong impression when I mentioned i was testing these friendships. That really wasn't why I started looking.
I have talked to my bf about him. I suggested meeting him once but he declined. Also, I don't think I did nothing when he sent it.. i told him what i thought, he apologised and hasn't done it since. It's hard to describe the context it was in. I've seen conversations that my bf has had with his female friends ( he showed me) They were talking about sex and teasing each other about fetishes. My bf joked to this friend that we should have a threesome.
I would say my conversations are similar to this with my friend but I shut him down or ignore him when it happens.
That being said, if I feel uncomfortable hanging out with him in person then maybe that's saying something? Part of the reason is I wouldn't want my bf to hang out with a girl alone so a choose not to do it. It's difficult when youre a bit of a loner and don't have groups of friends or gatherings to invite people to.

Then maybe it’s just me. I absolutely don’t think that you can be friends just via texting. And if you are uncomfortable spending time with a person I for the life of me don’t understand how could that be called friendship? People like company of their friends. Threesome jokes? He might be joking this way because there is sexual undertone to all these “friendships” with opposite genders that you are both conducting. Doesn’t strike me as true friendships. Yeah I don’t know. Maybe I am just too old for this

I’d stick with my suggestion of talking to a professional seeking some clarity

Good luck with everything.

[QUOTE=Zararose;6457159]
I've seen conversations that my bf has had with his female friends ( he showed me) They were talking about sex and teasing each other about fetishes. My bf joked to this friend that we should have a threesome.
I would say my conversations are similar to this with my friend but I shut him down or ignore him when it happens.
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Whoa....Did the proving to yourself about opposite gender friends happen before or after you became involved with your current bf?

[QUOTE=healingme4me;6457422]I’d also wonder if wish to prove it to yourself happened before or after finding out that bf has inappropriate sexual conversations with other females. Kind of proving that you can do the same.

I’d add that just because your boyfriend has sexual conversations with other women it doesn’t mean it’s ok or that you should do the same. Sexual teasing isn’t the same as having friends. Your boyfriend flirts with other women and now you flirt (or let him flirt with you) with other man. That’s not friendship. Do you flirt and sexually tease other females? Does your boyfriend acts this way with men? If not, whatever is happening isn’t friendship.

[QUOTE=divine1966;6457429]Or one of those head games that some do to justify boundaryless opposite gender friendships. As in, oh don't be so jealous, it's all in your head, we're just friends.

Exactly. Be certain that this isn't even subconscious retaliatory behavior.

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Zararose I'm afraid I must agree with all the others. I don't think it's ok to flirt with friends of the opposite gender. If your friend keeps doing that and you're feeling uncomfortable, I'd suggest to cut off contact with him. I don't think he's being a true friend at all. Do you think your doubts about your boyfriend could be due to the fact that he's flirting with these women as well? Even though he's being playful, I understand why you'd feel uncomfortable. I'd suggest to talk to him about this and see how it goes from there. Share all the doubts you have with him and tell him that you would like to spend some more time with him. Hopefully he will listen to you and understand you. Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help. You could learn new ways to cope with your feelings. I feel like you definitely need to work on yourself a bit and on your self-esteem. I feel like that could help you a lot. Try to work on yourself and your past experiences, try to spend some more time with your boyfriend, talk to him about this and tell him how you feel. I'm so sorry. It must be very hard for you. Just try to do your best. That's all you can do after all. I'm sure you'll be able to get through all of this. You're a wonderful person. Stay strong, Zararose. Stay safe and take care of yourself. You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this

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Originally Posted by Zararose I don't think there's anything wrong with going out and looking for friendships and I think you can still be friends via texting. Lots of friends aren't able to meet in person. Thats just my opinion though. I didnt meet him on a dating website- it was through a sports social club. When it ended we just kept in touch.

I dont think texting and internet friendships are bad and I do not think going out looking for friends is either. Going out and looking for male friends though could be a problem. Sure men and women can be friends but that is usually a result of some pre-existing relationship, common friends or coworkers. I think if you are looking for male friends you are looking for someone to give you what you need that you are not getting from your boyfriend. And I am not judging you for that. For years I had very few female friends and more male friends. I always said it was because women were catty b*tches or full of drama-or some other judgey thing. My male friends respected my boundaries and never made a pass but I know for a fact that if I wanted to date them they would all say yes.

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I really was looking for female friends but it didn't work out like that unfortunately. I still am trying to find female friends but it's hard.

Why? What makes it hard?

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I have talked to my bf about him. I suggested meeting him once but he declined. Also, I don't think I did nothing when he sent it.. i told him what i thought, he apologised and hasn't done it since. It's hard to describe the context it was in.

There must be a reason he was so comfortable sending it to you to begin with regardless if he apologized.

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I've seen conversations that my bf has had with his female friends ( he showed me) They were talking about sex and teasing each other about fetishes. My bf joked to this friend that we should have a threesome.

Totally not ok. Its just not. It dances around a topic that should be reserved for you and him. I am sure he will say there's nothing to is and the girls act like guys- and the girls might downplay it as well. But if those are the jokes and topics its dancing around the fire IMO.

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I would say my conversations are similar to this with my friend but I shut him down or ignore him when it happens.

How can you have similar conversations if you are ignoring him or shutting him down? You said conversations meaning he talked about this stuff more than once which means he ignored the boundaries you were trying to set.

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That being said, if I feel uncomfortable hanging out with him in person then maybe that's saying something? Part of the reason is I wouldn't want my bf to hang out with a girl alone so a choose not to do it. It's difficult when youre a bit of a loner and don't have groups of friends or gatherings to invite people to.

Absolutely that is saying something. You are uncomfortable hanging with him yet allow him to have sexual innuendo conversations. Its probably confusing. And you cant not hang out with this guy just because you wouldn't like him hanging with a girl. You both need to knock it off and focus on each other.

I was going to marry a muslim who wanted to share me. He dumped me for her. Know you can ALWAYS SURVIVE heartbreak. Happens to everyone.

To answer both questions, yes.

I've recently learned about thinking traps (cognitive distortions). Some examples of them that I can see in your posts are:

• All-or-nothing thinking

• Mind-reading

• Filtering

• Emotional reasoning

• Should statements

• Overgeneralization

• Catastrophizing

I have been allowing thinking traps to taint my thinking for a very long time. Learning about them helped me start to learn to view the world differently. I have been able to trust someone again. I've been able to recognize that my jealousy issues are because of situations that do not exist in reality, rather only in my mind.

When my thoughts are compared with reality, I am better able to understand what I can and cannot control and let go of the latter. With regard to trying to control, being able see my all-or-nothing thinking made it far easier to not try to control something, in part because that something existed only in my head so there was nothing to actually control.

Make sense?

I'm a little glad to hear someone else thinks sexual conversations aren't okay between friends when you are in a relationship. He must've thought his conversations were okay because he showed me thinking he was reassuring me nothing was going on. And that may have been the case.
Perhaps there are couples who believe it's okay to talk about these things between friends.

I saw a public exchange he was having with another girl on social media. I said it made me feel uncomfortable but he said she talks like that to other guys too.
It didn't make me feel any better. It only made me feel guilty and hopeless again like this cycle will never end. I dont know when this started. My first boyfriend would say things to other girls behind my back (first time was with my best friend so that was the only reason I found out).

What really worries me is the unknown.

I remember someone telling me once that if you're going to talk or message a friend of the opposite gender more than your partner then why even be in the relationship? Do people actually believe that? Sometimes I think my BF talks to other girls (not always the same girl) more than me but I don't have any proof of that. He seems addicted to his phone and always has been. Plus his responses to me sometimes sound dry, lifeless like he's busy doing something else.
He will text female friends and tell me there's nothing to worry about. But.. what else is he really going to say to that? He's not going to willingly give me anything to worry about. I guess I've seen the types of conversations he's had with other girls, not to mention thinking they are okay, or how much he talks to them and I'm looking for the same if not more attention from him?

I can't control what he does or who he talks to. I just have to hope that if he does tire of me and genuinely wants to be with someone else then he will let me go first. But is that what I wait for?

So should i just not worry if I see him chatting with other girls? Do I just need to let it go and accept that he WILL talk to them and that he may talk and have 'fun with them or whatever?

On another note, he and his mum believe what the Christchurch shooter said about foreigners taking over and thinks immigration should stop. He's said once that white people were the superior race. Thats only half of it. He kind of says it jokingly but why joke about that?? Not to mention he wants to move closer to his family town of 1-2k people (most likely forever) where I would be 3 hours away from mine 😔. I asked him what would happen if I didn't want to move. He said jokingly that wasn't an answer he could comprehend. We drove around looking at land in the area and he kept asking 'could you live here?'. This would be such a huge move for me. Especially because he would want to settle down there forever.
I'm concerned about our future together. I would be absolutely horrified if my child grew up with that mentality about other cultures. Having kids and marriage is a whole other issue between us again.

Sorry again to put this on everyone but this is the only place i can talk about this.

I remember once one of his friends sent him a selfie right after she had just slept with someone. She was in bed naked but the covers were up and she was showing off to him that she had just slept with someone. He showed me and I got upset but he shrugged it off like he had done nothing wrong.
There were a number of concerning pictures this particular girl sent him, but also because he thought it was all fine.

Maybe thats why I question his females friends because of the exchanges they had and the fact he thought it was fine? Is he still having these exchanges but just not showing me anymore because he knows now I'll get upset? How is he retaliating when I'm not around?

I haven't heard from her in ages but I know she got a boyfriend so maybe that's why

You two are talking about moving, marriage, and kids while all of this other stuff is happening? Do you see all of these questions of yours as red flags?

I may have missed it, but have you told him how it makes you feel that he is communicating with all of these other women like he is? Where is your boundary here?

So you are considering moving, marrying and having children with a bigot, selfish, cruel and inconsiderate, inappropriate jerk. He shows you all these pictures because he knows it upsets you. And he thinks it’s funny to say that whites are superior race. I bet he sleeps around too or at least contemplated.

I hope you don’t have unprotected sex with this man. He is not safe.

Just because a person is extroverted with the opposite sex, and/or tends to be immature in their views of other cultures...doesn't mean they are having sex outside of their 'relationship'. And even if this person is a 'jerk' this doesn't also mean they are stupid.

I wouldn't want to be with a person who didn't want to be with me...and I most certainly wouldn't want to be with a person who would condemn me simply because of something I may be thinking. We can't make people be good...and we can't make people be happy...and we most certainly can't tell people to love us, or what to think.