[Cgoffredo]

A couple months after I met my boyfriend (now husband) I started getting really jealous when he went out with his bestest friend. I am seeing a therapist but I feel crazy because he went out this Saturday to the beach with him (we had plans for the beach but we fought and he decided to go with his bestfriend instead). I made plans for the beach too but the whole time I was thinking about my husband, what he was doing, I was just constantly (and when I mean constantly I mean constantly) thinking about him and very anxious and annoyed At the fact that he’s at the beach with him and not with me. When he got home I was very annoyed/mad and just so you guys know we are together 24/7. I get very jealous when he’s with his guy best friend. He goes to him when we are fighting and I feel like i am in a competition for my husband. I know I sound crazy. Idk what to do in those moments. I trust my husband in the sense that he’s a good guy and truly trust him but I get overwhelmed with jealousy over his guy bestfriend.

[WishfulThinker66]

I get this. You say he broke his plans with you to go on an outing with him instead. No, you are not concerned unnecessarily. Your feelings are valid. I certainly would be ticked too. How often is this happening? Is this friend single? What kind of man is this friend? Does your husband ensure he is spending most of his time with you? Are you going out without him? If this is an occasional thing with a settled down buddy I see no problem. It would be no different than you grabbing coffee with a friend of your own. If this is constant though and at the cost of your own time with him then it very much to me is a problem.

That's not nice that he broke the plans with you to go to the beach and then turned around and went with his friend, instead. I'd see it differently if you were glad to get rid of him for an afternoon, but it sounds like you wanted to resolve your fight and really did want to go to the beach.

You clearly wrote that you are together 24/7. I'll confess that that can be too much for many couples. It's sometimes good to have some time without each other. That can make seeing each other again a real treat. Perhaps he yearns for such time on his own or with a friend. Please don't take that as a rejection because it's a healthy thing. If my husband goes out with a buddy, I try to savor the time or make a date with a friend/relative. Sometimes I go to a restaurant I'm comfortable going to alone that my husband rarely wants to go to. Or a movie he'd never want to see.

Do you have a therapist and/or a psychiatrist? Have you talked about this issue with them? They may be able to help you find ways to give each other space in comfortable ways.

[sarahsweets]

It isnt nice that he broke plans but at the same time it sounds a little like codependency. What does your therapist say?

[aimlesshiker]

Maybe look into Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs) and intrusive thoughts. As you say it can make you feel crazy because it's like a faucet of negativity you can't turn off.

I would look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to help tone those thoughts down a bit. If this is a co-dependency thing then maybe look into self-care, too. You should be able to enjoy your free time without him, and without thinking about him. What's the use of alone time if other people are occupying your thoughts? It puts a lot of stress on you, and no one deserves that!

How long have you been dating/married? As other people have mentioned, spending time together 24/7 isn't healthy for any relationship. Again, try to focus on yourself and not worry about him.

Originally Posted by Cgoffredo

A couple months after I met my boyfriend (now husband) I started getting really jealous when he went out with his bestest friend. I am seeing a therapist but I feel crazy because he went out this Saturday to the beach with him (we had plans for the beach but we fought and he decided to go with his bestfriend instead). I made plans for the beach too but the whole time I was thinking about my husband, what he was doing, I was just constantly (and when I mean constantly I mean constantly) thinking about him and very anxious and annoyed At the fact that he’s at the beach with him and not with me. When he got home I was very annoyed/mad and just so you guys know we are together 24/7. I get very jealous when he’s with his guy best friend. He goes to him when we are fighting and I feel like i am in a competition for my husband. I know I sound crazy. Idk what to do in those moments. I trust my husband in the sense that he’s a good guy and truly trust him but I get overwhelmed with jealousy over his guy bestfriend.

While it wasn't nice of your husband to break his plans with you so he could spend it with his best friend, I think this is indicative of a dysfunctional attachment style that you have with your husband.

Here are the 4 styles of attachment styles:

• Secure – autonomous
  
• Avoidant – dismissing
  
• Anxious – preoccupied
• Disorganized – unresolved

Secure: Low on avoidance, low on anxiety. Comfortable with intimacy; not worried about rejection or preoccupied with the relationship. “It is easy for me to get close to others, and I am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don’t worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me.”

Avoidant: High on avoidance, low on anxiety. Uncomfortable with closeness and primarily values independence and freedom; not worried about partner’s availability. “I am uncomfortable being close to others. I find it difficult to trust and depend on others and prefer that others do not depend on me. It is very important that I feel independent and self-sufficient. My partner wants me to be more intimate than I am comfortable being.”

Anxious: Low on avoidance, high on anxiety. Crave closeness and intimacy, very insecure about the relationship. “I want to be extremely emotionally close (merge) with others, but others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn’t love or value me and will abandon me. My inordinate need for closeness scares people away.

Anxious and Avoidant: High on avoidance, high on anxiety. Uncomfortable with intimacy, and worried about partner’s commitment and love. “I am uncomfortable getting close to others, and find it difficult to trust and depend on them. I worry I will be hurt if I get close to my partner.”

I'm not a therapist, but I think you probably suffer from the Anxious and Avoidant detachment style of relating to your husband. You can't let him out of your sight. And if he goes out with anyone else but you, you obsess about what he's doing all the time. That is not healthy behavior.

Preoccupied (Anxious) Detachment Style traits:

• Insecure in intimate relationships; constantly worried about rejection and abandonment; preoccupied with relationship; “hyperactivates” attachment needs and behavior.
  
• Needy; requires ongoing reassurance; want to “merge” with partner, which scares partner away.
• Ruminates about unresolved past issues from family-of-origin, which intrudes into present perceptions and relationships (fear, hurt, anger, rejection).
  
• Overly sensitive to partner’s actions and moods; takes partner’s behavior too personally.
  
• Highly emotional; can be argumentative, combative, angry and controlling; poor personal boundaries.
  
• Communication is not collaborative; unaware of own responsibility in relationship issues; blames others.
  
• Unpredictable and moody; connects through conflict, “stirs the pot.”
• Inconsistent attunement with own children, who are likely to be anxiously attached.

You shouldn't be jealous of the time he spends with his best friend. He may have canceled plans with you b/c you don't give him any space and you smother him and isolate him from socializing with other people. That is definitely not healthy or good for either of you, if you do that to your husband. I don't know if that's what you do, but if it is, you need to stop doing that.

The fact that he's avoiding plans with you since you said you spend 24/7 with him, is probably because he feels like you won't let him have his own social life. Is that accurate? Do you allow him to go out with his best friend or other friends without berating him about it? You can't control who your husband is friends with, or control any part of his life.

Do you have any friends of your own? If you give your husband space, and spend time with your friends do you bombard your husband via text, SMS, or social media while you're away from him? Or do you give him mental space to miss you?

It really sounds like you're in an unhealthy attachment style, the way you smother your husband by spending so much time with him, and then react by getting angry when he wants to spend time with his best friend instead of you. He has every right to spend time with other people, and not just you.

I urge you to explore your attachment style issues and to explore codependency because it sure sounds like that may be what you suffer from.

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

It isnt nice that he broke plans but at the same time it sounds a little like codependency. What does your therapist say?

I agree with sarahsweets observation that you may suffer from codependency, which is something you should mention to your therapist at your next counseling session.

Individuals who are codependent typically have:

• Great self-consciousness (chronic tendency to focus attention on oneself)
• Social anxiety (the extent to which people feel uncomfortable and nervous in social situations)
• Dysfunctional attachment styles (avoidant and anxious attachment styles)
• Codependency is associated with decreased feelings of connectedness with a spouse and increased feelings of competitiveness with a spouse.

Codependency in Marriage: What It Is and What To Do About It - OnlyYouForever

Also, here is a profile of what a codependent person looks like. Use these descriptive paragraphs to determine whether or not they fit any of your personality. Symptoms of Codependency

Symptoms of Codependency
The following is a list of symptoms of codependency and being in a codependent relationship. You don’t need to have them all to qualify as codependent.

Low self-esteem.Feeling that you’re not good enough or comparing yourself to others are signs of low self-esteem. The tricky thing about self-esteem is that some people think highly of themselves, but it’s only a disguise — they actually feel unlovable or inadequate. Underneath, usually hidden from consciousness, are feelings of shame.Guilt and perfectionism often go along with low self-esteem. If everything is perfect, you don’t feel bad about yourself.

People-pleasing.It’s fine to want to please someone you care about, but codependents usually don’t think they have a choice. Saying “No” causes them anxiety. Some codependents have a hard time saying “No” to anyone. They go out of their way and sacrifice their own needs to accommodate other people.

Poor boundaries.Boundaries are sort of an imaginary line between you and others. It divides up what’s yours and somebody else’s, and that applies not only to your body, money, and belongings, but also to your feelings, thoughts and needs. That’s especially where codependents get into trouble. They have blurry or weak boundaries. They feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems or blame their own on someone else.Some codependents have rigid boundaries. They are closed off and withdrawn, making it hard for other people to get close to them. Sometimes, people flip back and forth between having weak boundaries and having rigid ones.

Reactivity.A consequence of poor boundaries is that you react to everyone’s thoughts and feelings. If someone says something you disagree with, you either believe it or become defensive. You absorb their words, because there’s no boundary. With a boundary, you’d realize it was just their opinion and not a reflection of you and not feel threatened by disagreements.

Caretaking.Another effect of poor boundaries is that if someone else has a problem, you want to help them to the point that you give up yourself. It’s natural to feel empathy and sympathy for someone, but codependents start putting other people ahead of themselves. In fact, they need to help and might feel rejected if another person doesn’t want help. Moreover, they keep trying to help and fix the other person, even when that person clearly isn’t taking their advice.

Control.Control helps codependents feel safe and secure. Everyone needs some control over events in their life. You wouldn’t want to live in constant uncertainty and chaos, but for codependents, control limits their ability to take risks and share their feelings. Sometimes they have an addiction that either helps them loosen up, like alcoholism, or helps them hold their feelings down, like workaholism, so that they don’t feel out of control.Codependents also need to control those close to them, because they need other people to behave in a certain way to feel okay. In fact, people-pleasing and care-taking can be used to control and manipulate people. Alternatively, codependents are bossy and tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. This is a violation of someone else’s boundary.

Dysfunctional communication.Codependents have trouble when it comes to communicating their thoughts, feelings and needs. Of course, if you don’t know what you think, feel or need, this becomes a problem. Other times, you know, but you won’t own up to your truth. You’re afraid to be truthful, because you don’t want to upset someone else. Instead of saying, “I don’t like that,” you might pretend that it’s okay or tell someone what to do. Communication becomes dishonest and confusing when you try to manipulate the other person out of fear.

Obsessions.Codependents have a tendency to spend their time thinking about other people or relationships. This is caused by their dependency and anxieties and fears. They can also become obsessed when they think they’ve made or might make a “mistake.”Sometimes you can lapse into fantasy about how you’d like things to be or about someone you love as a way to avoid the pain of the present. This is one way to stay in denial, discussed below, but it keeps you from living your life.

Dependency.Codependents need other people to like them to feel okay about themselves. They’re afraid of being rejected or abandoned, even if they can function on their own. Others need always to be in a relationship, because they feel depressed or lonely when they’re by themselves for too long. This trait makes it hard for them to end a relationship, even when the relationship is painful or abusive. They end up feeling trapped.

Denial. One of the problems people face in getting help for codependency is that they’re in denial about it, meaning that they don’t face their problem. Usually they think the problem is someone else or the situation. They either keep complaining or trying to fix the other person, or go from one relationship or job to another and never own up the fact that they have a problem.

Codependents also deny their feelings and needs. Often, they don’t know what they’re feeling and are instead focused on what others are feeling. The same thing goes for their needs. They pay attention to other people’s needs and not their own. They might be in denial of their need for space and autonomy. Although some codependents seem needy, others act like they’re self-sufficient when it comes to needing help. They won’t reach out and have trouble receiving. They are in denial of their vulnerability and need for love and intimacy.

Problems with intimacy.By this I’m not referring to sex, although sexual dysfunction often is a reflection of an intimacy problem. I’m talking about being open and close with someone in an intimate relationship. Because of the shame and weak boundaries, you might fear that you’ll be judged, rejected, or left. On the other hand, you may fear being smothered in a relationship and losing your autonomy. You might deny your need for closeness and feel that your partner wants too much of your time; your partner complains that you’re unavailable, but he or she is denying his or her need for separateness.

Painful emotions.Codependency creates stress and leads to painful emotions. Shame and low self-esteem create anxiety and fear about being judged, rejected or abandoned; making mistakes; being a failure; feeling trapped by being close or being alone. The other symptoms lead to feelings of anger and resentment, depression, hopelessness, and despair. When the feelings are too much, you can feel numb.

[divine1966]

Breaking plans is wrong but 24/7 with a spouse is unhealthy. I hang out with girlfriends typically at least once in two weeks or more often. I am in a happy marriage but no way I want to be attached to the hip!!!

[Bill3]

He goes to him when we are fighting and I feel like i am in a competition for my husband

This is his regular pattern, he leaves you when you are fighting and goes to him?

If so, no wonder you are angry and jealous.

To me, this isn’t standard “time with the guys” or an issue of co-dependency. The best friend is your husband’s weapon of war. He is using his friend to strike at you.

In my opinion, he needs to stop his war-by-friend.

Is couples therapy an option?

What are you afraid he could be doing during this time? Are you afraid that his buddy is talking him into leaving you? Are you afraid that he will take him to where a lot of single women gather? Or are you worried your husband is leaking some embarrassing details from the fight? You may need to first identify what you are afraid of in order to overcome that.

Do you have a life independent of him, like hobbies, friends, something to get your mind off of him until you two make up?