[carmom5]

My husband's parents divorced over 20 years ago. They sold the business to my husband with both continuing to work for my husband. My FIL passed away several years ago. He had remarried, been divorced again, and always liked the ladies. My MIL never remarried and does have friends but not a partner. My husband is the nicest man you will ever meet. We've had several discussions about how passive he is even at home. My concern is that they are too emotionally connected. For example, this past Christmas our daughter had an opportunity to travel. My MIL chose the only weekend she would not be here in December to have Christmas at her house. I looked at my husband and asked what he said when she told him the date. He said nothing. Then she also wants to put her opinions and suggestions into every detail at work. My husband will still seeks her opinion and advice also. I feel like my husband has two wives or two mothers. My MIL even told me she doesn't dye her hair anymore because someone thought she was my husband's wife. She micromanages him and he allows it which annoys the daylights out of me. They will probably retire together and she'll expect him to live with her from 8-5. I have been a stay-at-home mom and now my children will all graduate and I can get a job. I told my husband not to expect me to be there when something happens to her. I've felt like his back-up plan all along, but I'm thinking it's time for me to get my own life! I just fear it will only drive us further apart. We'll be growing old apart instead of together. I feel like it's time he brekas emotionally away from her (and more her from him). I've been asking him to do this for years, but I think I'm just done feeling like we're his second family instead of his first. Am I overreacting? I'd love to hear from anyone else who has been or is in this type of situation.

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by carmom5

My husband is the nicest man you will ever meet. We've had several discussions about how passive he is even at home. My concern is that they are too emotionally connected.

What was he like with her when you were dating?

Then she also wants to put her opinions and suggestions into every detail at work. My husband will still seeks her opinion and advice also.

Well is it possible that he relies on her because she ran things all these years? Does he mind her input?

I feel like my husband has two wives or two mothers. My MIL even told me she doesn't dye her hair anymore because someone thought she was my husband's wife. She micromanages him and he allows it which annoys the daylights out of me.

Yes but it sounds like he doesnt mind it which means he may never really change with her. Do you think he is upset that it upsets you?

They will probably retire together and she'll expect him to live with her from 8-5. I have been a stay-at-home mom and now my children will all graduate and I can get a job. I told my husband not to expect me to be there when something happens to her.

I do not see how saying that was helpful or going to change things. Believe me when I tell you that I am very familiar with inlaw issues- I have my own but saying things out of frustration like that just leaves hurt feelings, you know what I mean? I think you want to motivate him to care or change and I do not know how that would have helped him.

I've felt like his back-up plan all along, but I'm thinking it's time for me to get my own life! I just fear it will only drive us further apart. We'll be growing old apart instead of together.

I think this may be key for you. On top of feeling like second place and seeing your husband be passive with his mom all these years, you are starting to realize that you have goals and dreams that you want to accomplish. I say go for it! Find your purpose. You may find that having something just for you will make the issues with his mom seem less burdensome.

I feel like it's time he brekas emotionally away from her (and more her from him). I've been asking him to do this for years, but I think I'm just done feeling like we're his second family instead of his first. Am I overreacting? I'd love to hear from anyone else who has been or is in this type of situation.

It is a tough situation and like I said I feel your pain. My inlaws try and be very controlling and my husband is much better now then he used to be with them and me. We had a huge family blow up-huge- about 6 years ago where things were said that could never be unsaid. It was that that caused him to see the value in being his own man and our husband and father. I get along pretty well. I had years and years of slights and resentments built up over stuff they said and did to me and him. I am an alcoholic and there is a process getting sober that you go through and part of that is truly letting go of old resentments. That made the biggest difference for me. Not letting them bother me, and holding my boundaries with myself and my husband. If I do not feel up to dealing with them- I dont. Doesnt matter what is said or planned-if I do not want to take a call at 9pm on a sunday night from my MIL I send it to voicemail. Part of my husband being able to be comfortable saying no to them was realizing how much I valued him. So instead of yelling or fighting or making side comments and being mean, I told him how much I did love and appreciate him and then mentioned what bothered me and left it up to him to fix. I used to tell him what bothered me with them and then tell him how he should go about dealing with it which is treating him the same way they did. I had to trust that he would hear my feelings and address them because he loved me, in his own way.

[carmom5]

Thanks so much for your reply. You are absolutely right that saying hurtful things doesn't do anything for anyone I have tried repeatedly to tell him my feelings and let him handle it, but he doesn't do anything. He's too busy trying to please everyone. You're right in that I just need to start doing my own thing and leave it alone and what happens is what is meant to be. Thanks!