How do I say no without being hated?

I really suck at setting boundaries with people.

On another website someone I didn’t know well and I hadn’t known for long started sending me 6 to 12 private messages every day....some days many more than this... every hour if I was online... for a few months.

They seemed ...And still seem like a kind person and I don’t want to hurt them.

I don’t know what they see in me. They didn’t just say nothing, they told me all about themselves. If I didn’t reply within a couple of hours they wrote to me asking if I was mad at them, I reassured them that I wasn’t mad at them.

I’ve taken a couple of days away from this website. I didn’t tell anyone I was taking a break. I think on some websites telling people we are taking a break is frowned on .. I don’t know..

I like this person. I don’t want to hurt them.

What should I do?

Oh, honey! I am sorry you are going through this! I hear you about sucking in setting boundaries; I am bad at that also.

Ok, it appears this person has jumped on your kindness and is hanging on for dear life. Possibly, they could be lonely and in great need of attention.

It's not your job to fill that role for them. Anything you say to them could hurt their feelings, even said politely. It is important, in my mind at least, to tell you, Fuzzybear, how that person responds or reacts is their choice. It is independent from your behavior.

I say that because some people manipulate others when they don't get their way. Like they messaged you, asking if you were mad at them because you hadn't responded.

What do you think would be a starting place for you to set boundaries for them? What are your options?

Please, try to remember that hurting them is outside of your control. That is up to them.

Is the question or problem, how do you say no without you hurting them, or without them hurting you? I think its just like we tell children about predators - if someone is making you uncomfortable, yell no very loudly and get out of there.

Maybe dont yell, but dont give more than you can afford.

There is no good answer for this. Saying no, is just, saying no. Anything less is beating around the bush and avoiding the issue. Be firm in what you want and/or don't want to have happen with relationships and people. take care of you first, there will be some people that are hurt by it and others that understand, you have no control over this fact. I would venture to guess the mature ones that are worth keeping around as friends will be the ones that understand and the ones that take it personally and are offended are probably never going to be the type of person worth trying to keep a healthy relationship with.

It's sweet that you don't want to hurt them but how you spend your time and attention is YOUR choice.

It was sweet of you to take the time to reassure them and not be critical but since you haven't known them that long, it is OK not to respond. That is a message in and of itself. As Happycrafter said, they are probably struggling in some way but messaging someone back all of the time should not be something you have to do. If you have time and are in the mood, then fine.

I agree that they probably latched on because you are kind/caring/etc. plus maybe they thought they have something in common with you. I have been guilty of feeling like I "know" people after reading lots of their posts. When people have some sort of disorder/are in crisis (you can only do so much when someone is in crisis--don't let a stranger manipulate your time because you can only help so much), they don't act "normal". If the messages aren't' mean or threatening, I think it is OK just to ignore them if you aren't comfortable. You obviously aren't the type of person who treats anyone harshly. So I vote ignore (not an ignore button but, just don't open the messages). Sometimes when I message people, I get something out of just composing that message (sort of like journalling) even if they weren't read!!!

Oh and Dear Sweet Fuzzy whom I sincerely like--sometimes wanting to be liked (overly concerned about offending) and feeling a constant obligation to serve others or stop them from hurting (we can't ) can be a bit disordered in and of itself (I say this as someone who does this to some degree).

A lot depends on what this person has confided in you with IMHO. It just might be someone who is being abused and genuinely doesn't have anyone they can feel "safe" to talk to about it. If this person is getting overwhelming for you, it's best to let the person know and you can let this person know in a kind way too. Often the best way to do that is to let them know that you need to slow down because you get overwhelmed if that person dumps too much on you all at once. A person who is experiencing trauma can most definitely present with a lot all at once and just need someone they can trust to listen. Remind the person you are not a professional and that you can only problem solve and listen to a certain extent. You can also say to this person that given how overwhelmed they are that you really feel they should seek out a professional who knows more in how to help them find some resolve too.

I think it's fair to respond at your own pace and comfort level. It establishes a boundary de facto, in all actuality.

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, Fuzzybear! I agree with what all the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could! You've been given LOTS of great, wise, wonderful advice on this thread! I'd suggest to follow it as much as you can if you want to!I understand what you mean. It's a REALLY tough situation! I believe you just need to be honest with her and ask her to give you a little bit of space. Just try to be as much kind as you can be like you're always so kind to everyone! Hopefully she'll listen to what you have to say and understand what you mean! Please DO remember that you can't control how other people will react to you, you can JUST control how you speak and what you do! I'm sure you'll be able to be kind to her and to explain it to her in the best way you possibly can! Just be firm but honest with her and remember that however she reacts is NOT YOUR FAULT! You need to take care of yourself as well after all! It's just self-preservation! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, Fuzzybear

((Fuzzybear)), from what you have shared you have experienced toxic people that encouraged you to feel guilty or wrong for saying "no" to them. Toxic people don't like to hear "no" because they prefer to control you. You are allowed to have boundaries, and if other people cannot respect them than you don't want to have them around anyway. You don't have to be mean when you say no either, you can always be a nice person, but a person with boundaries.

Thanks everyone, your replies are very helpful to me

In my DBT group one of the sections is Interpersonal Effectiveness. It has become my "go to" reference when I have problems communicating what I need to say.

This is just one of the internet references....clicking on each will get you to each section
Interpersonal Effectiveness Handouts