[TishaBuv]

I am dealing with a whole family of people who are not emotionally healthy. There is a toxic control dynamic in my FOO. It extends to everyone. My marriage is in intensive therapy from years of toxic control dynamic, too. Now my son has become someone I am hurt by, but am still emotionally loving... but I don’t know how well it will all play out tbh.

Please no one tell me it is just me. I totally take responsibility for what IS me. It is not just me.

I’ve tried to look for articles on coping with an entire network of dysfunctional people and am not finding anything.

Does anyone have any info?

[Open Eyes]

I totally get what you are saying in that I have been dealing with similar challenges. It's unfortunate in that often parents simply do not know how to raise their children where they give their children permission "to do". Instead a lot of parents are much too controlling and critical and fail to recognize that by constantly controlling their children and expecting too much along with being too critical they inhibit their children instead of realizing how we all need to LEARN BY DOING and that includes being ok to learn from our mistakes.

When your son hurts you STOP and pay attention to what he is saying that you may not be hearing. The most challenging age when it comes to raising our children is their teen years. This is when they TEST us the most because they are testing us at home to see how they can challenge boundaries. Actually, they don't even realize they are doing this either. The teen years are narcissistic years too, they interact and explore more than ever and thats when they experiment with watching others and then TRYING things out for themselves. This is when they tend to drift and explore more and look for different techniques to gain attention and acceptance. Teens are a challenge in that they are more than ever trying to discover ways to "self empowerment" so it makes them not only test more with each other but their parents as well. That being said, if you happen to be "sensitive" due to having too much exposure to family members who lean towards narcissistic behavior patterns, you can get triggered by your own teenager who is still in the narcissistic stage of development and simply testing you as well. Often their behavior is more of a "question" than anything else, so it's takes PATIENCE to understand you are merely being tested and need to step back and think about the behavior and see it as a question that needs a response that isn't so much your hurt ego, but instead recognizing that it's an opportunity to teach them more about boundaries instead. Our teens really don't understand "boundaries" and tend to experiment with each other and parents to learn about boundaries.

It's a challenge in that as a parent we want to empower them yet at the same time not let them run all over us too.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I am dealing with a whole family of people who are not emotionally healthy. There is a toxic control dynamic in my FOO. It extends to everyone. My marriage is in intensive therapy from years of toxic control dynamic, too. Now my son has become someone I am hurt by, but am still emotionally loving... but I don’t know how well it will all play out tbh.

Please no one tell me it is just me. I totally take responsibility for what IS me. It is not just me.

I’ve tried to look for articles on coping with an entire network of dysfunctional people and am not finding anything.

Does anyone have any info?

It rarely is just the one person in a family setting that has issues. I think in most if not all cases there is some kind of underlying dysfunctional dynamic.

I'm sure you're not alone and that the others do have issues and create challenges with you. I can only say that if you are indeed doing what you can to remain loving to your son, stay the course, I truly do believe it will work out for the best. I think the majority of people in all situations grow and mature in time and those people that did not write them off, shun or disown them are remembered as having endured their years of having to mature and grow.

I think from all the posts you've put up here, that you're doing what you can, you're quite self aware and trying very hard to make the changes you can for the things you're responsible for. Keep at it, it's not always going to feel good or work out initially the way we want but doing the right thing is always worth it in the end.

Hang in there!

[TishaBuv]

My three sons are ages 24, 22, and nearly 17. I pretty much let them all do whatever they wanted, and they have been such good kids, that what they wanted to do was totally acceptable to me.

The oldest has been with a gf for several years, since going to college and being away. They are getting married. It’s become obvious she is ‘calling the shots’ and they have been doing really hurtful things to both their families that go against all our values. My son never had a cruel bone in his body. I feel he is being loyal to her, doing she she wants (and convinced him HE wants), and has been cold and cruel about it. When we expressed how we felt, he just didn’t care, probably would have never called us again, total abandonment.

So now we are remaining close and loving, feeling like he is in a cult and we don’t want to lose him. My husband is going to have another heart to heart talk with him tonight, hopefully he can get him alone without her listening.

My FOO is another story. Not only am I sad that I have MH issues now due to the constant drama, but I am even more sad for my mother, who I do love very much, who is suffering greatly due to her own MI. She is her own worst enemy and I don’t know how to help her.

[s4ndm4n2006]

I understand the dilemma with the one with a gf. my step son is the oldest boy (really not much of a step son bc in essence I'm dad to him and he's just the same as the others that were born to me but anyway I digress) He is married and has 3 kids. one is 100% sure his, and the middle one is pretty much his but may not be his by blood. His mother (my wife who I am technically separated from but live together for now) has issues with his wife a lot of the time because she (his wife) can be very manipulative (per my ex's desctiption but mostly true) and controlling. He's easy going and a very good kid. He does everything for his family for the most part and is the sole breadwinner for the family right now. Basically my ex has a lot of issues with his wife because he does so much for her (is very loyal like yours) but she doesn't think he's treated fairly.

the dilemma is for the most part in my case, they are married. once your child makes a life with another, whether it be married or just committed, a lot of it is kind of out of our hands unless they come to us. I dont' have issues with much of what they do or how they live their lives, though, if he comes to me I do try to help when possible which he has a couple times. Unless he comes to me with issues he knows not how to resolve I don't meddle. Unfortunately his mom concerns herself a lot of the time with what's going on in his life and with his wife. I know a lot of this is natural to being a mother but I do have to remind her a lot of that she can't make things happen or control them, him or his wife but she can only do what she can to love him and show support.

I just think there are things that we have to let go of with relation to how they deal with life and many things as a young couple will have to be learned the hard way unfortunately because as humans we are stubborn and fight tooth and nail to make our own mark in this world even when it's not the right mark we're fighting to make lol.

now with regards to doing things that go against your values that involve you and your husband, I think saying something is important when it affects you. Outside of that they are going to form their own set of values. As for if she calls the shots, I hate to say it but he's going to have to figure that out himself when he tires of going along with everything she says.

of note, I might add, in more than one conversation with his mother, I've told her that she complains of what the wife does to manipulate and control her son, but those things are very much things that I've dealt with related to her (my ex) lol. ofc I do that when we're not already at odds XD and I think it's sunken in a bit. he married someone that is very similar to his mother.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, TishaBuy! I completely agree with what all the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could! It is certainly not easy to deal with our sons when they gro up! Of course I have never experienced this myself so unfortunately I don't have a lot of advice to give to you! I DO understand your struggles and what you mean though! Please NEVER give up hope! Try to HANG ON as much as you possibly CAN! You're a WONDERFUL mother, I'm sure of that! Love is the best thing that a mother can give to a son and from what you wrote it seems like that's EXACTLY what you're doing! Good for you! Be proud of yourself for that! Hopefully they'll realize how IMPORTANT you actually are and have been in their lived when they get a bit older! I'm REALLY HAPPY that you're STILL trying out your best to support your kids, TishaBuy! As for your Family Of Origin, from what you wrote it seems like you're doing EVERYTHING YOU CAN to make things better with them and to stay close to them but remember that it DOESN'T depend only on you but on your family as well! THEY have to decide whether they want to listen to you or not! IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! You're a WONDERFUL MOTHER AND PERSON, TishaBuy! You're a STRONG, WONDERFUL PERSON! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, TishaBuy!

[Fuzzybear]

I completely relate.. the whole family of origin are full of ****

It’s amazing I’m not the “terrible” bear they all said I was.

I carry guilt for those who disown all their flaws

Eff them

[eskielover]

Yea.....my dysfunctional family was small & being an only child with only child parents it may not have had as wide spread of dysfunctional but because my mom didn't drive & my dad worked nights.....I was very isolated from any possibility of associating with non-dysfunctional people except in school. My grandparents were transferred across the country when I was 5.....I think my mom's dad was the only kinda functional person in the family but grandma controlled him in most cases. They were actually more functional than my grandparents on my dad's side.

My growing up years were filled with my fighting against them from as young as I can remember but I honestly have no idea what input in my mind told me to be totally embarrassed by my family & fight against their thinking I totally disagreed with. Maybe I was born a rebel as I never respected my parents wisdom (knew it didn't exist) & definitely didn't trust following it.

At times I wish I could just replay & watch what happened to determine when & what might have even started me thinking the way I did. I think I really resented not being able to be involved in activities other kids were doing because I had no way of getting there or getting home & my parents didn't know anyone to ask. I felt like they were trying to keep me their little kid because I was their ONLY child & I wasn't about to let that happen without a fight.

Well my fighting just created a dysfunctional me never learning the best way to handle conflict other than get mad & fight.

My marriage ended up just like my parents even with my swearing I would NEVER marry anyone like my dad.....so our only child daughter learned to fight too.

I was finally able to work on my own dysfunction after leaving my marriage. My daughter & I get along much better but there is still a lot of dysfunction there..but as long as I am ok with only texting communication.....we are good & we do communicate & I have been able to discuss some of the stuff that happened....but she is now 40 & not a kid any more. She has problems communicating with her dad.....no surprise so we are able to discuss how best to get through to his brain that doesn't function like most peoples.

Sorting how to best deal with each individual dysfunctional person is the challenge because none are dysfunctional in the same way.

[TishaBuv]

I wrote a paragraph I’d like to tell him about how I feel so hurt how he showed no empathy and never called again to further discuss. I feel he abandoned us and would have never called again and ask him if that thought was correct.

My husband has more he wants to say to him about how he is choosing a more difficult path in life by how he has this alienating attitude toward us now.

We really did nothing to cause this. I think his fiancée is a button pusher. We can’t outright tell him we don’t like her. I hope they both grow up and treat people better.

[TishaBuv]

I’m not sure any of us are disordered. I can definitely diagnose that we are all just jerks.

[TishaBuv]

I am proud of myself for instantly turning the negative into a positive, by giving my husband the go ahead to quit his miserable job.