[DazedandConfused254]

I’ve got this friend, let’s call him James, who I’ve known for about 3 years now who lives in the complex next to the one where I live. We met through a religious organization and got to know each other through mission trips and common hangouts. Albeit he still participates while I left 2 years ago because of this group’s extreme theology and disregard for personal boundaries. I’ve still been good friends with James after leaving, and he’s one of the only people I still hang out with from that time period, but I’ve seen some aspects of our relationship starting to deteriorate. When I left the group I mentioned earlier, he pressured me a couple of times to come back while I still needed space to process.

Fast forward to about a year later when we reconnected last October. This was the first time we saw each other since that initial contact. James came over to my house to chat and watch last season’s MLB postseason games. Nothing unusual or uncomfortable become of this hangout. However, he wanted to visit to explore my place for living options in the next year. He did not mention anything about his desire to live with me again since then, but it works perfectly because last time I lived with a roommate my personality naturally desiring lots of personal space couldn’t stand it. Besides I didn’t want to be exposed to any toxic elements of the same social group where he still participates.

I didn’t hear from James again until the following month. In the same light, he texted me like he was wanting to catch up or hang out again, but the texting progressed to asking me to take him to the nearest international airport 90 miles away for a job interview in the Carolinas. He could’ve driven his own car to the airport, but he didn’t have it after loaning it to a friend who was having engine problems. I did the favor for him for his departure trip but told him to contact me about picking him up from his return trip only as a last resort. When Plan A failed for James to come back home, at the drop of the hat he immediately texted me to make the trip to the airport again the following morning, this time contacting me at almost midnight when I was finishing a final project with a rapidly approaching due date. Doing the original favor for him seemed like one thing, but at this point, it seemed like he was just using me, especially since I already told him only to contact me in a catastrophe getting back home. Plus I was already tired from my project and getting up early that previous morning to take James to the airport!

With the exception of attending James's winter graduation and loaning my gown, I did not hear from James between then and last week. Like the convo that led to the airport trip, the typical “how do you do’s” again progressed to expecting another favor out of me, now he wants me to throw a party in my common room for his roommate that I don’t even know. I asked my folks (who own my living space with me) if this was feasible, but as I’m graduating on the same weekend as James’s roomie, we agreed it was not possible with family members from both sides coming in and fancy celebration dinners two nights in a row. Plus my complex enforces new rules requiring an expensive deposit that I would not get back post-festivities if the common room was anything less than spotless, as if nothing happened. Now I am up to here because even when after telling him I couldn’t help him, James was pushier than ever about forcing a “yes” out of me. Last week he was slow to allow me to get some PS controllers that I loaned him in October, even when I told him I couldn’t use my PS to watch a movie with my parents in town for the weekend without them.

See this cyclic pattern? That seems to be where this friendship is going after I left the group where we met. James seems to like me only for what I can provide him.

I’ve already set some boundaries with him, like telling him 2 years ago that I won’t be involved in his same sphere any longer, and not going out of my way contacting him myself since he was and still is part of that environment I deemed toxic. As mentioned, I’ve reinforced boundaries when it’s clear I can’t meet his obligations.

I don’t want to burn bridges since James has done favors for me and stuck by me when I started suffering from anxiety, but I am suspicious about James’s intentions since now he’s contacting me only for favors. This is a bad time also. I am finishing my last semester of school, which involved a time-consuming project, and then hoping to transition to the workforce and maybe a new city some time in the summer.

Sorry for the long post. With my previous week being stressful on top of bending over backwards for James, I’m not too happy at the moment.

But here are my questions about this mess: Should I start ignoring texts from James? Or should I risk telling him that I won’t do any more favors for him during this transition period, in spite of having him do favors for me?

[divine1966]

I don’t want to sound too harsh but you are too nice. Trust me I am a nice person. But there is no one in this world that I would drive 90 miles for to drop them at airport. I’d only do it if it’s medical emergency. Frankly no one would even ask me. I travel a lot and pick people up from airports but 90 miles? I drive to work an hour one way and have leased car. Not driving it to airports. Unless emergency. Why can’t he rent a car?

I am not saying stop being friends but stop doing too many things for him. If he’ll stop contacting you then you’ll know why.

[DazedandConfused254]

Hi divine1966,

Thank you so much for your speedy response. I appreciate anybody who can give that straight-forward answer. And you are a nice person. I can tell. How funny you mention the conditions of making such a trip because when I've contacted my parents, who are core people in my support group, they said almost the same thing about this issue. Only one exception though, was when my parents helped me get to the airport on a pair of study abroads. And they were more than happy to do the job.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by DazedandConfused254

Hi divine1966,

Thank you so much for your speedy response. I appreciate anybody who can give that straight-forward answer. And you are a nice person. I can tell. How funny you mention the conditions of making such a trip because when I've contacted my parents, who are core people in my support group, they said almost the same thing about this issue. Only one exception though, was when my parents helped me get to the airport on a pair of study abroads. And they were more than happy to do the job.

Parents is a different story! I pick my daughter up from international airport across the border (we live close to the border) because she saves money flying that way. Not 90 miles but line at a border control sometimes is worse than driving 90 miles. That’s my kid though. Not a friend.

[DazedandConfused254]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Parents is a different story! I pick my daughter up from international airport across the border (we live close to the border) because she saves money flying that way. Not 90 miles but line at a border control sometimes is worse than driving 90 miles. That’s my kid though. Not a friend.

Then that's the sign of a good parent

[Bill3]

His requests and his behaviors are unreasonable.

Unfortunately, he will continue to ask until you consistently say no.

You must always say no to unreasonable requests. If you say yes even once, he will learn from that and continue to ask.

Have you studied psychology? If you have, or want to look into it, recall that giving intermittent reinforcement makes it very difficult to stop an undesired behavior.

[DazedandConfused254]

Originally Posted by Bill3

His requests and his behaviors are unreasonable.

Unfortunately, he will continue to ask until you consistently say no.

You must always say no to unreasonable requests. If you say yes even once, he will learn from that and continue to ask.

Have you studied psychology? If you have, or want to look into it, recall that giving intermittent reinforcement makes it very difficult to stop an undesired behavior.

I agree with you Bill3, thank you so much for your input. I need to be as consistent as possible enforcing my boundaries. Since this guy has seen me already as someone who can give for the sake of giving, even with just a few tasks, I may need to start slacking off.

I have started studying psychology. Since joining PC and developing some anxiety symptoms, I have also developed an interest in researching their root cause (ie why people behave in a way we consider undesirable), and relating to others' similar struggles with people who are clingy or power-seeking. But I will continue my quest!