Is it okay to date someone you aren't attracted to?

I’d say that if you hold each other and hug and kiss and cuddle, you are attracted to her. You just don’t want sex. You don’t need to think that your partner is attractive in order to feel attraction. Not wanting sex is fine as long as she doesn’t want it either.

I would encourage you to not give up on seeking out someone who is "your type."

Are you sure this person is the gender that you really want?

I'm attracted to people regardless of gender but I lean towards males. And the person I'm dating is male. I only used gender-neutral pronouns so there wouldn't be any gender bias in people's responses. I guess that was kind of pointless though since people just assumed a gender on their own.

Also, I'm very picky about what my type is, so it's probably unrealistic to look for someone who fits it. My standards for aesthetics are (too) high, but I'm trying not to be hyperaware of appearances as it makes me feel judgy. It's something I'm working on, but as I said, I don't find my S/O ugly or unattractive at all. He's objectively decent looking (and above average in my opinion). I'm just not attracted by his looks. I like him for everything else.

This would have been a very important tidbit to note right off the bat, heh. I almost wanted to ask if that was the case, but didn't want to offend if it wasn't. Since that is the case, you may gain some comfort from talking to those who are asexual as well: The Asexual Visibility and Education Network | asexuality.org
They have forums you can post on.

I'm on the spectrum of asexuality myself, being what is called demisexual (means the closer I am emotionally to someone the more I'm into them in a sexual way). I also have a friend who is struggling with his asexuality and has gone through hell because people can't accept it, so I know how frustrating and difficult it can be not wanting what everyone else seems obsessed with. If your partner is truly ok with this part of you like he claims, then you've got yourself a winner. From what I read in your latest posts here it sounds like a perfectly fine relationship for an asexual couple.

(Also I'm sorry for assuming your partner was female when I first replied to you, it's just the default so I didn't even think twice about it since it wasn't specified.)

Sorry, I didn't mention being asexual because I know a lot of people don't see it as a valid sexuality. And it's fine that you made that assumption. I understand why.

I think that's an interesting approach to getting feedback - your not specifying genders of either yourself or your S/O. I suppose that does force responders to think differently than if they had that info. It probably does screen out some unhelpful assumptions that people are inclined to make. I take it that was your purpose.

On the other hand, we can sometimes be poor judges of what our issues really are. I have a sense, following your thread, that what you are specifically asking about may be somewhat beside the point in regards to what is actually gnawing away at you. It's up to you to decide how much you care to reveal and what degree of trust you feel in this social media venue. (People sometimes get their trust betrayed in any venue.) But, at some time in the future, you might want to experiment with a different approach - where you peel back some of that shroud of mystery and kind of "put your cards on the table." It's a risk, and you might regret it. But you might get some unexpected insights that haven't occurred to you. Something's bugging you, and I don't think this thread is doing much other than dancing around whatever that may be.

Let me emphasize that I fully support you being the judge of what you're comfortable with and what you wish to share. But are you really finding out anything here that you don't already know?

You sound and write like a person who is intelligent and capable of reflection. If someone asked you the question you put at the top of this thread, what would you say? Wouldn't you say, "Well, it depends on a number of things." You sound young, but mature enough to have developed your basic moral compass. I don't think you need anyone to explain to you that it is wrong to emotionally mislead another person, or to exploit another person by accepting more affection from that person than you have any ability to give back. So I am left wondering what it is that really perplexes you?

The short answer to the question at the top of the thread is: "No. It's not automatically wrong." But I think you know that. What would be wrong is to exploit someone's trust. It is wrong to use people for one's own emotional satisfaction, or for temporary security against being alone. I think you probably know that too. I'm inviting you to clarify the issue - if not to us, then at least to yourself.

Yeah, I didn't mention gender because I'm aware that there are stereotypes which could sway people's answers. I just wanted a general answer that could apply to anyone.

Everything I've left out was deemed unimportant by me (eg. gender, age, sexuality), but I haven't left anything out due to a lack of trust. I mostly started this thread out of curiosity and caution. Since this is my first time dating, I'm unaware of the standards for what makes a good relationship. I had no idea if you needed to really like someone's appearance in order to date them. And in regards to sex (and my sexuality)... that wasn't really what I was inquiring about here. People just began asking questions and it came up; however, my original question was always referring to my S/O's appearance. I definitely could've worded things better.

I have only grown up seeing unhealthy relationships, so I have nothing in my life to go off of when it comes to this stuff. Reading the advice I received was very useful for me.

I'm glad you've found useful feedback here.

Sometimes growing up surrounded by unhealthy relationships can give a person a clear idea of what they really don't want. That's a start.

It's not impossible for a person to fall in love with someone else whose appearance didn't initially create any attraction. It's been known to happen.

Here's where I sense some confusion in what you say: you say you don't find your S/O physically attractive. You also say you don't think you would want sex with anyone because you are "asexual." Or that's how I took it. (Maybe I'm mixed up.) So, if you met someone you found really physically attractive, you still would have no interest in sex with that person?

By the way, wanting to have sex with a person is not totally dependent on physical beauty. Being in love with someone is not totally dependent on finding a person physically beautiful.

I suppose anyone can conjure up an image of a fantasy person who would have every beautiful feature that might appeal to this person. People differ in how important that all is. You may have to go through a few transient relationships before you work out what you most need in a significant other. That's okay also, IMHO.

Sooner or later, the aging process tends to rob everyone of physical beauty. Lots of people stay very much in love, despite that. That may be something you've never witnessed. That may dim your appreciation of what is possible between people.

Interesting post Mattdadd. As I said before, I have dated more than one person that I didn't find particularly handsome or physically attractive. But I did find their humor and personality very appealing and that led to sexual attraction over time. And I'm fairly sure that at least one person (if not more?) dated me while not physically attracted to me but we had a connection. I would not offer up a piece of info like that; nor would I ask. Telling them just sounds like it would cause unnecessary hurt. I don't see the value in telling someone that you don't find him handsome if in fact you are attracted to him in other ways. If there's zero attraction at all in any way, then I've said something like: "I had a wonderful time meeting you. I don't see this developing and I wish you all the best!" I don't comment on their looks.

I don't know if I'm explaining clearly but that's some of my experience. Also, I will admit my own personal bias that I am slightly suspicious of terribly handsome men and have no desire to date one. Sometimes they appear all too aware of their great looks and think a bit too highly of themselves. Though I admit my bias there....by sheer probability there have got to be some devilishly handsome men out there with good down-to-earth character. Hugh Jackman perhaps? He is happily married to a woman significantly older than him who does not meet the Hollywood standards of "gorgeous." Jimmy Fallon would be another example. There! Just proved myself wrong! Haha.

Just remembered a study that you folks may find interesting. I did not read this one myself...a friend told me about it. The researchers found a significant number of men who were deemed 10s in the looks department who had dated women who were 6s. Did the relationships last? No. But not for the reason we might suppose. The men said they had no problem dating an interesting and fun 6 but apparently the 6s felt very uncomfortable....with situations like people meeting the men and assuming the woman was a relative or colleague rather than a significant other because most people assume a 10 will never date a 6. The women grew increasingly embarrassed by this and ended the relationships with the 10s.

I should say I don't number people like that but you get the point....was a way for researchers to quantify and compare levels of physical attractiveness.

Interesting, right? Overall, I think people do tend to partner with someone similar to them...looks, intelligence, beliefs etc. But of course there are always exceptions....I have dated people who were very different from me. And I know others who have too.

Is she physically attracted to you? If she is then it may be unfair to still date her because she will have expectations that you can not meet.

Does he find you attractive?

Also I am quite confused on importance of liking someone’s appearance or someone being good looking is being of importance. I’ve been with men whom I was in love with and were attracted to but they weren’t particularly attractive and I didn’t give it two thoughts.

Do people really equate attraction to “liking how one looks”? I’ve been on this Earth over 50 years and I never thought that liking someone’s appearance and being attracted to them/in love is the same thing! Such emphasis on looks sounds very foreign to me.

No, I wouldn't be interested in sex with them, even if I found them attractive.

Yes, he finds me attractive.
And I think there are different kinds of attraction; however, I didn't want the title of the thread to be too long so I didn't specify what I was referring to. I elaborated by mentioning that I wasn't physically attracted to him in my actual post.

If you aren't interested in having sex with this person or with anyone, I think it's important to tell him that. That doesn't mean you can't date if he's ok with not having sex. I just don't think leading someone on is right (and I think you feel the same way). That said, there is no need to tell him you don't find him physically attractive. Clearly, something attracts you to him (his personality and not his looks). I think this leads to more lasting relationships anyway.

I am not particularly physically attracted to the guy I am seeing right now, but it doesn't really matter as the relationship works for both of us.

Personally if I am not attracted to a person I am trying to date, I’d not be holding hands or kiss or cuddle. I just don’t feel like it if I am not attracted to them. Now I am very affectionate and am kissing hugging with family members/my kid/my niece etc etc but family is different.

So do you feel comfortable kissing hugging and holding hands with a boyfriend even if not feeling attraction for him? Just trying to understand

He's the only person I've ever felt comfortable with when it comes to physical contact. I don't hug and kiss family because I never got used to it, and being touched made me recoil. But with my S/O, it all feels very natural and enjoyable. Holding hands and hugging is easy for me to do with him, and I've gotten better with kissing (to the point where he doesn't need to take the lead as much anymore).

He's aware I'm not interested in sex, and he says he's fine with it.

But see from what you described it sounds that you are attracted to him, physical closeness with him is natural for you. You just don’t feel sexual desire and do not find him attractive, which is not the same as not having physical attraction.

Do you ever feel sexually aroused in general, not in relation to this guy? If not, then it has nothing really to do with how attracted you are to this particular person.

You are kind of addressing two issues on this thread, which are somewhat unrelated. One is you in general aren’t interested in sex with anyone. Second is you not finding your partner attractive, not liking his looks.

No, I never feel sexually aroused. Also, my (original) issue was only about not liking his looks. Me not being interested in sex just got brought up along the way. The latter isn't a huge deal for me though since my S/O and I have talked about it multiple times.

I think if you like spending time with this person, then there may be little harm, for now. It is important, however, to recognize if this person is much more serious about the relationship than you, wants sex, love, commitment, etc. If so, you should be honest that you are enjoying their company, but are not having other deeper feelings.

I don't know how old you are or how experienced in dating you are. If this has already been mentioned, sorry I didn't read all responses. For people with little experience, "practice" dating is a good thing, in my view. I did it. I don't think you have to only date people with the assumption it could lead to anything major.

I remember the first time I saw my husband I loved his smile, but thought "He really has a huge nose!" But once I got to know him, I started to feel like everything about him was beautiful. He later told me he found me attractive, but that my eyeglasses were hideous. Despite that, love development. We've both had our "not as attractive" periods over the years, but the deep love made that minor. You won't develop such a love with many people in life and sometimes loving feelings fade, but experience is good to help figure out priorities.

I personally say looks aren’t important. But it’s just me.

I'm very serious about our relationship. I just don't want sex and I'm not attracted by my S/O's appearance. They're aware I don't want sex, and they've told me they're fine with it.

This is my first time dating (I mentioned this earlier) and I'm 18 years old (I haven't mentioned this yet).

I had no sexual interest in anyone at 18. I did have a boyfriend but zero desire to sleep with him. Your lack of interest in sex could be just your young age. Your boyfriend. being fine without sex could be also due to his young age (if he is just as young). Things change rapidly at your age and what seem one way today will appear entirely different just few months later.

Definitely wait to have sex with the right person. Now that we know you're so young, that changes everything.

You have your whole life in front of you to date and be in relationships with different people.

It is always wise to follow your intuition. Learn to trust yourself and your gut feeling and that will always guide you in the right direction.