[rukspc]

Actually the subject should be ...

"My boyfriend and I don't live together ... what's your opinion?"

I just helped my boyfriend (of 2 years) move out of his apartment. It was so nice to be able to hop over after work because he lived so close, but he decided that he needs to move on since he'd been there for 3 years (+ the mgmt was getting ). So he will be living with his parents and I will be at my sister's. Both places are on the opposite sides of town in the 'burbs, about 20 miles going each direction - north and south - from the city. My main concern was the distance and having our personal time together. Now, we're going to meet up and then go home at the end of the night.

Last night was our final night at his apartment. It's kind of weird to not have a central space to go anymore, but we have talked about how this situation is temporary (6 months to a year) and we'll look forward to getting a place together once we pay down some bills, save money, etc.

I feel like we broke up lol. Anyway, what advice can you give to me to be optimistic about the future? It sucks that we won't get to see each other that much and winters here are brutal. So once winter comes we will see each other even less but I keep telling myself that it'll be okay and there's nothing to worry about. Help!

You said that its only temporary (6 months - 1 year). That's good! It sounds like you really like your guy and the change is hard! Of course you will miss him and its frustrating, the distance and seeing less of each other. Is he doing it to save money? Or just the other reasons you said? Hang in there!

[rukspc]

Originally Posted by Ptak

You said that its only temporary (6 months - 1 year). That's good! It sounds like you really like your guy and the change is hard! Of course you will miss him and its frustrating, the distance and seeing less of each other. Is he doing it to save money? Or just the other reasons you said? Hang in there!

Yes, to save money and pay down some things. He keeps telling me something big is going to happen and that's why he'd decided to move back Haha

Originally Posted by rukspc

Yes, to save money and pay down some things. He keeps telling me something big is going to happen and that's why he'd decided to move back Haha

Of course its ok. There's nothing wrong with not living with your SO. Its probably a common thing, and very individual (depending on the couple, the circumstances, etc). I'm curious to know why you are asking? It sounds like you want to live with him. Nothing wrong with that either!

[rukspc]

Originally Posted by Ptak

Of course its ok. There's nothing wrong with not living with your SO. Its probably a common thing, and very individual (depending on the couple, the circumstances, etc). I'm curious to know why you are asking? It sounds like you want to live with him. Nothing wrong with that either!

I guess I'm asking because I need reassurance. We went from having a central place to living apart and we've been dating two years. And I just wanted to know how people stayed connected to their SO if they don't live together.

Hugs. Ok I understand. I don't have a SO, so I may not be able to give firsthand experience. Someone else with an SO would be better with that advice. But I think I can reassure you that it is ok to not live with your SO. And its ok to want to live with your SO, and have that not be the case. It sounds like its frustrating to have that change as well as disappointing. I hope it gets better for you both. This is a very recent change and your feelings are understandable.

[saidso]

Seems to me that the way that you are working together long-term on things is very cool ! 6 months can seem long but in retrospect it goes fast. He sounds like a good, thoughtful partner - well done. Like what Ptak says. Working together and communicating to make your own rules is best!

[divine1966]

Nothing wrong with not living together.

But I am somewhat surprised that at age 30 he wants to live with his parents. It’s quite unusual.

I have a daughter that age and she has zero interest living with parents. Both my nephews lived at home while attending college but were immediately on their own when were close to done. Ton of other young people are the same way (some would have roommates, not necessarily living alone)

I understand financially it’s comfortable to live rent free but most young people value independence way more and would go out of the way to not live at home. Sure at 20, but not at 30.

I’d be rather taken aback if I had a boyfriend who did that. In my dating years I don’t recall any men who did that. I’d possibly feel resentful that while he lived in his apartment you financially helped him by giving money for rent and bills even though you didn’t live there. And now he moves in with people who’d again help with bills but probably more than you did.

I’d feel somewhat taken advantage of. Isn’t it a guy who wanted to put his car on your insurance and create joined accounts even though you aren’t married and not cohabiting?

I personally would wonder if he is the right long term partner for me. Too many red flags.

[MickeyCheeky]

It is perfectly ok NOT to live with your SO, rukspc! I understand it's hard when you BOTH have to live apart from each other though! Just try to remember that this is ALL temporary and that you'll be able to live together if you want to! You just have to be a little bit patient! I'm sure you've BOTH got this! Just try to keep contacts with him to be reassured that things are going ok between you two! Even if you can't see him face to face, you can still call him or write text messages to him! You'll STILL be able to stay in contacts with him so it's not like you broke up or anything similar! It WILL take time to get used to it but I'm sure it will be over before you even think of it! Just hang in there and stay strong, ok? WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU! WE'RE ALL HERE FOR YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! I wish you THE BEST OF LUCK to BOTH YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND! I'm sure things will go well! You BOTH seem very mature! JUST TRY TO HANG ON AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN! Sending many kind, safe, sweet, warm and WONDERFUL HUGS TO YOU, RUKSPC, JUST LIKE YOU BOTH ARE! PLEASE BELIEVE THAT AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN BECAUSE IT IS TRUE AND YOU KNOW THAT EVEN IF IT'S DEEP DOWN INSIDE BOTH OF YOU! LOVE WILL TRIUMPH! PLEASE BELIEVE THAT AND REMEMBER THAT AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN!

[eskielover]

There are some of us who won't live together until married....so It is definitely OK not to live with a SO. If you are TRULY connected it won't matter if you live together or not.

I am going to make an older person's comment about the financial issue though.....just living rent free so one has extra money to pay off bills without totally changing spending habits is not a good idea. I hope with the new found desire for financial responsibility has come new spending habits of not spending more money than monthly available & not use credit cards other than possibly for monthly expenses there is money to cover.

There are times when independence needs to be put on the back burner while trying to become financially responsible... sometimes a price that has to be paid as long as REAL changes are being made in one's financial responsibility actions.

Originally Posted by rukspc

Yes, to save money and pay down some things. He keeps telling me something big is going to happen and that's why he'd decided to move back Haha

Yes it may be harder to see each other but you can certainly make it work short-term. I’m a little concerned about this “big thing” that’s supposed to happen, being the reason he’s moving back in with parents. Is he quitting his job? Getting laid off? Do you know what this big thing is? Why are you in the dark about this? I’m with divine on this. It’s a little concerning. Grown ups don’t live with parents unless there’s financial problems or other issues. I just hope you’re not going to end up financially footing everything in the relationship.

[hvert]

The way you describe it, it does sound like it sucks. I can see why you'd be bummed! You are really the only one who can decide whether or not the situation is okay with you. Was there a reason you didn't get a place together now?