[Sunset32]

I am 19 was recently pressured into an Islamic marriage by my family and I ran away from home so I could get rid of the marriage. I have been living with my boyfriend whilst in the process. My parents were very reluctant of my boyfriend because of his cast. I admit he’s not a trophy husband but I know I will never ever love anyone more than him and most importantly he loves me. Recently my parents have reached out and want me to come home and live with them again. My parents and I come from very hard times so I love them endlessly and even tho they’ve hurt me so much I want to go back and live with them and help them. My boyfriend wants me to move with him about 200 miles away from my home. So I have to make a decision between my parents and him. I’ve already let my boyfriend down once by being pressured into that my marriage I don’t want to hurt him again. I love him more than anything but I want to stay I don’t want to move. I feel like I’m using my parents as an excuse to stay subconsciously because I don’t want to move. My boyfriend claims that my parents are being manipulative and trying to trap me again but they said if I come home they’ll let me marry my bf but he doesn’t believe that. He’s trying to move me from here as fast as he can. But I have sisters and brothers which I want to be close to. I feel like if they both loved me enough they wouldn’t make me choose between them. I have no idea who to choose and which is better for me.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Sunset: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. I see this is your first post. So... welcome to Psych Central.

I don't know if there really is a lot I can suggest with regard to your situation. (Hopefully there will be other PC members who will have some insights they can offer.) I was a bit unclear at first as to whether or not you actually ended up being married to the man your parents tried to marry you to. However since your parents are apparently now telling you they'll agree to having you marry your bf, this must mean the first marriage did not occur.

This is a difficult situation. Of course there's a lot here I still don't know about your circumstances. However, based on what you wrote, I don't think you can dismiss your bf's concern out of hand. Yes your parents are saying if you come home they'll let you marry your bf. But once you get home things could well change. And it might be difficult for you to escape a second time. On the other hand, you wrote you & your parents came through hard times & you love them endlessly. Plus you have sisters & brothers you want to be close to. So that's not to be taken lightly either.

I do agree with you that it seems like if your bf loved you enough he would not try to force you to move 200 miles away. However perhaps he's scared that once you're back with your family he will lose you. He may also fear that even if the two of you are allowed to marry your parents will attempt to control your lives. There's no way to know for sure what exactly is going on in your bf's mind.

Assuming your bf won't change his mind, from my perspective (& it is just my personal opinion) this may simply be one of those kinds of situations that adults face from time-to-time. Someone is going to be hurt & there's no way around it. And under those circumstances you may just have to come to a decision with regard to which way you feel it's best for you to go... either move with your bf or go back to your parents. Is it possible you'll regret the decision you make? Yes that could happen. But there's no way to know for sure. All you can do is to choose based on what you know now. And neither I nor anyone else can tell you what that decision should be. You are the only one who can make it. That's part of what it means to be an adult.

One thing I don't recall you mentioning is whether you & your bf would marry before you moved or if he is expecting you to move & simply continue to live together. That may be a consideration. If he's expecting you'll simply move & continue to live with him that may be a sign he lacks commitment.

Another thing you didn't mention is what there is about the place your bf wants the two of you to move to that is attractive. Does he have family there? Does he have a job there? That is another consideration. If he simply wants the two of you to move 200 miles away for no good reason that may be a bad sign. But if there is a legitimate reason for him wanting the two of you to move perhaps it should be considered.

The fact is that at 19, while you're still very young, you're becoming an adult. You have your whole adult life ahead of you. And as an adult sooner or later it is appropriate that you should "leave the nest", so to speak, & make your own way in the world. Is going with your bf now the right time to do it & the right way to do that? There again, that's something I can't answer for you. It's one of those adult decisions you're going to have to make for yourself. At least these are my thoughts with regard to your post. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[sarahsweets]

I do not see why things cant stay the same for now. Is your boyfriend moving regardless of your relationship? Does living with him now and still being able to see your family help things heal?

[Skeezyks]

I was thinking about your post after I finished writing my previous reply. And another thought occurred to me. You mentioned you're 19. And you wrote about your parents pressuring you into an Islamic marriage. And now you have your boyfriend & the problems you're struggling with related to him as well as your parents. But you didn't write anything about your own aspirations.

I presume, since you're 19, you finished high school. So I wonder if you have any interest in going to college and / or in some other way having a career. Or is your sole interest in becoming some man's wife & perhaps a mother? (These are rhetorical questions... food for thought as they say. You don't need to answer them here.) If being a wife & a mom is your sole interest that's fine. That's your choice. But I do wonder if you've thought about what you want for yourself out of life or if, perhaps due to the way you were raised, you might have assumed becoming a wife & all that goes with that is the only option available to you. Maybe, before you dive into the institution of matrimony at still such a young age, you might want to consider what additional opportunities might be available to you. Again...you don't need to answer these questions here. They're just something for you to think about as you try to decide how to proceed in your life. My best wishes to you.