[brimaiski]

Hey all. My mom just got engaged, and I'm struggling hard to like her fiance or be okay with their relationship. I'm interpreting everything he does as a "red flag" and objectively I don't think I'm being fair to him. I'm having extremely visceral reactions to even seeing them together, and I've been lashing out at my mom in particular.

So a little background. My dad is a narcissistic sociopath. Just my own assessment, but he checks all the boxes. The man is evil and he ruled over this house by keeping us absolutely terrified of him. My parents divorced 7 years ago after years and years of his abuse, and he continued to make our lives hell after the divorce. I thought I had wrapped up my feelings about him and put them away, but seeing my mom with her fiance is bringing everything up again.

Every time he acts annoyed, or gets frustrated or stressed, I get enraged and sick to my stomach. For example; ge got annoyed over traffic and snapped slightly at my mom, and I was sick and angry for the rest of the day. On top of that, my mom has the view that a woman should be submissive to man (NOT my view at ALL) and so she's slipped right back into old patterns and just lets him make decisions/have his own way. I wasn't prepared for how emotional and angry this makes me. He literally just picked a restaurant for dinner and she didn't challenge him, and I wanted to slap her.

I'm genuinely happy that she's found someone, and I know he isn't my dad, but seeing them together is apparently a huge trigger. I want to rage at her for not protecting us from my dad, and I want nothing to do with her fiance because I can't bring myself to trust him. I've never been diagnosed with PTSD but could that be what this is? Or severe anxiety? I don't know, but it's causing problems. My moms fiance realizes how standoffish I've been, so there's a lot of tension there, and my mom is confused and hurt over how I've been lashing out. I'm not sure what to do and I really just needed to talk about it.

Hello brimaiski,

sorry you're in such a tough situation

May I ask how old you are? Do you live with your mother?

You mentioned PTSD, the situation you describe at home with your father is likely enough to cause PTSD though you'd need to be evaluated by a professional. I too am angry with my mother for allowing my father to abuse myself and my siblings. Working on letting go but it will take time.

If you still live with your mother, I strongly recommend developing a plan to move out...for healthy distance. Have you talked to a therapist to help you process the feelings you're having?

It is no surprise that your mother continues to be submissive with a new man. I mean realistically, why would she be any different? Did she do years and years of therapy and have a life-altering revelation? Likely not. As with most people. So you need to just let her do what she's going to do and focus on your own mental health and self-protection. That will mean different things for different people....boundaries, occasional visits, distance, no contact etc.

You have my empathy. Truly. Keep bringing your focus back to you and your needs and future. That is for you to carve out. Your mother will do what she'll do. Peace and hope to you

[hvert]

That sounds awful, to feel like your mother may be making the same mistake again. Do you think there is any value in talking to her about how you feel about this? Has she asked?

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Brimaiski! I don't have much more to add to what all the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could! Definitely get away from that environment if you can! It's not healthy! You can't force your mother to change, but you CAN get away from an environment that's toxic for you! Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help! You could learn new things and new ways to cope with your feelings! Please DO consider it if you're not already seeing one! I hope things will get better soon for you one way or another! Definitely keep us updated if yu can and want to! PLEASE NEVER GIVE HOPE! Wish you the best of luck in your healing and in your life! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, Brimaiski!

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by brimaiski

Hey all. My mom just got engaged, and I'm struggling hard to like her fiance or be okay with their relationship. I'm interpreting everything he does as a "red flag" and objectively I don't think I'm being fair to him. I'm having extremely visceral reactions to even seeing them together, and I've been lashing out at my mom in particular.

So a little background. My dad is a narcissistic sociopath. Just my own assessment, but he checks all the boxes. The man is evil and he ruled over this house by keeping us absolutely terrified of him. My parents divorced 7 years ago after years and years of his abuse, and he continued to make our lives hell after the divorce. I thought I had wrapped up my feelings about him and put them away, but seeing my mom with her fiance is bringing everything up again.

Every time he acts annoyed, or gets frustrated or stressed, I get enraged and sick to my stomach. For example; ge got annoyed over traffic and snapped slightly at my mom, and I was sick and angry for the rest of the day. On top of that, my mom has the view that a woman should be submissive to man (NOT my view at ALL) and so she's slipped right back into old patterns and just lets him make decisions/have his own way. I wasn't prepared for how emotional and angry this makes me. He literally just picked a restaurant for dinner and she didn't challenge him, and I wanted to slap her.

I'm genuinely happy that she's found someone, and I know he isn't my dad, but seeing them together is apparently a huge trigger. I want to rage at her for not protecting us from my dad, and I want nothing to do with her fiance because I can't bring myself to trust him. I've never been diagnosed with PTSD but could that be what this is? Or severe anxiety? I don't know, but it's causing problems. My moms fiance realizes how standoffish I've been, so there's a lot of tension there, and my mom is confused and hurt over how I've been lashing out. I'm not sure what to do and I really just needed to talk about it.

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling right now! I understand how you feel. Do you have a therapist? If you are legally of age? I would just moved out! Explain to your mom that if she want a relationship with you than she can not have her fiance around you..

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by SilverTrees

Hello brimaiski,

sorry you're in such a tough situation

May I ask how old you are? Do you live with your mother?

You mentioned PTSD, the situation you describe at home with your father is likely enough to cause PTSD though you'd need to be evaluated by a professional. I too am angry with my mother for allowing my father to abuse myself and my siblings. Working on letting go but it will take time.

If you still live with your mother, I strongly recommend developing a plan to move out...for healthy distance. Have you talked to a therapist to help you process the feelings you're having?

It is no surprise that your mother continues to be submissive with a new man. I mean realistically, why would she be any different? Did she do years and years of therapy and have a life-altering revelation? Likely not. As with most people. So you need to just let her do what she's going to do and focus on your own mental health and self-protection. That will mean different things for different people....boundaries, occasional visits, distance, no contact etc.

You have my empathy. Truly. Keep bringing your focus back to you and your needs and future. That is for you to carve out. Your mother will do what she'll do. Peace and hope to you

I completely agree with everything you had to say.