Crush at work leads to HR issue

OP, you need to have this as a rule to live by.

NO romantic relationships with people at work - EVER.

No crush, no "finding someone attractive" - nothing of the sort.

Park as far away from her usual parking area. Stop stopping directly outside to put on sunglasses or earbuds (looking like you are waiting for someone).

Put it in your head that any romantic relationships have to come from contacts you make OUTSIDE of work. Never ever attempt to create a relationship with anyone at a company you work for.

This is actually good advice for anyone who wants no problems in the workplace.

We don't know what HR told her. It is a smuch her responsibility to avoid him as his to avoid her as she is the one who does not want to meet. He has to be allowed the canteen and put on his sun glasses. if parking is limitied it is not his fault.

Many work places try to exert control over the lives of their workers in ways that overstep the employer/worker relationship, often in an attempt to avoid litigation and bad publicity. Mine does much the same, not that anyone listens to them because the HR girls are a merry bunch of morons. Like there's a snowball's chance in Hell I'm going to trust them with my own safety when they have trouble filing paper work properly. They only work day shift anyway. Night shift is anarchy, which is the way we like it. But they don't feed us on night shift, which kinda sucks.

I digress. Look, if there's no evidence that a fellow coworker is being anything more than a bit creepy and awkward - standing outside for too long, putting on sunglasses, being socially inept when trying to chat - then I'm going to argue that handling the situation diplomatically by oneself is far safer for both parties than going to HR, especially if the guy has the potential to be dangerous. HR can't do anything if there's no real evidence of danger, and sicking corporate authority figures on him is far more likely to provoke anger or resentment than if this coworker had just talked to him herself. Also remember that HR works for the company, not you or your safety, and they're going to do what's in the company's best interest, not yours. This applies to both parties. If you ever need to go to HR over something which may become a legal dispute, record everything. Don't trust them to record it or to represent it accurately in Court.

Now, maybe he's omitting some things and this coworker had good reason to think he was stalking her. If so, then my apologies to her and the HR girls. But I can only go by the details given.

Did you read my spiel? I said that HR doesn't usually help in these situations. That policy is put in place to protect the company, not the workers. If the situation truly is dangerous, then it should be handled by the police, not Becky from HR.

Maybe this is the antisocial personality in me speaking, but it still shocks and confuses me how willing people are to put your trust in a system that's designed to subjugate you.

This is why I advocate NOT dating where you work. It is a recipe for trouble. Sorry this happened to you.

Nah, you're not a harrasser, but work on your issues first before you try to approach women. I mean, that's the most logical thing to do, right? I am not saying you can never approach women. But approach them in the right way. I'm not saying what you did was bad or even necessarily wrong given that you said you have anxiety issues and stuff. But you could join a meet up group in which people with similar intrests to yours meet in a group setting. Women are usually more comfortable, especially when meeting for the first time, in a group setting (this is generally true for me, too, being a man, because there's not as much pressure for me to "act like a man" whatever that means). So when I read that you tried talking to her in situations when you were both alone I figured that probably wasn't the best approach. But seriously, as others in this thread told you, think of it as something you can learn about yourself from. Also, having dealt with similar things before myself, I feel like approaching women from a place of confidence is very difficult, and perhaps it will never become easy for anyone. But, it's good to know the difference between what is outright creepy and what is okay, given norms these days. There is a difference.

she went to HR cbecause he spoke to her. it is not his fault if she is not comfortable in garage around men. That is her history and experiences or paranoia more likely

Update: So its been a few weeks. My job is going good. I havent seen or run into her since it happened thank god. My therapist seemed to air more on the side of that she overreacted which helped a bit but I still feel guilty sometimes. Im also having an issue where it took me a while to summon the confidence to talk to this girl and now that it blew up, I'm even less sure and cautious than I was before. 1 step forward, 5 steps back. I've also been struggling with self esteem more. I spent all yesterday afternoon feeling incredibly unattractive and like it would be impossible for a woman to find me desirable

I'm a woman in an industry where vulgarity is a part of the entertainment, and people in my profession have been stalked, beaten and murdered by unhappy patrons. I've personally gotten into verbal altercations with and had security called on weirdos who were harassing me and/or my coworkers. In such events, or if anyone simply feels uneasy, a security officer will escort us through the parking garage, every square inch of which is covered by surveillance cameras (take note, anyone who thinks it's a fun idea to have sex on casino property - you are being watched and laughed at by a group of our employees). Security is a huge issue, and we take it very seriously.

And honestly, I'm with LonelyMan on this one. OP hadn't done anything, and it isn't the job of men to constantly assuage the fears of women. How would he even be able to? This hyper-sensitivity is breeding resentment, and it's going to give menfolk the impression that us fair and delicate womenfolk simply cannot handle a workplace environment.

Went down to the cafeteria to get food and turned around cause I saw her across the way and it instantly brought back all the anger, guilt and humiliation I felt towards myself when it first happened.

none of that applies to the OP. He was not in any way abusive to her

I'm a woman in an industry where vulgarity is a part of the entertainment, and people in my profession have been stalked, beaten and murdered by unhappy patrons. I've personally gotten into verbal altercations with and had security called on weirdos who were harassing me and/or my coworkers. In such events, or if anyone simply feels uneasy, a security officer will escort us through the parking garage, every square inch of which is covered by surveillance cameras (take note, anyone who thinks it's a fun idea to have sex on casino property - you are being watched and laughed at by a group of our employees). Security is a huge issue, and we take it very seriously.

And honestly, I'm with LonelyMan on this one. OP hadn't done anything, and it isn't the job of men to constantly assuage the fears of women. How would he even be able to? This hyper-sensitivity is breeding resentment, and it's going to give menfolk the impression that us fair and delicate womenfolk simply cannot handle a workplace environment.

i believe you but not all men are like that. I am not and i do not know of anyone like that.

Never said all men were like that. I only mentioned my personal experiences as a rebuttal to the "you wouldn't understand because you're not a woman" argument.

never said you said it. Did you read the part where i said i believe you

I knew a girl, she has mental problems, who would come talk to me all the time when i met her in bookshop. about photography computers etc. No romantic interest in her and in fact she was always starting the conversation.Coming over to me when i researched in the library.


I met her in the bookshop when i had not seen her for long time so i went over to say hello. She seemed a bit distant/bad humor then suddenly turned to me and said 'have i got egg on my face the way you are staring at me?' I was not staring. i was as normal, when you talk, sometimes you make eye contact then look away etc . You do not glare. i don't and didn't. i was exactly as usual but she was in some sort of paranoid period.

So next time i saw her i said hi and kept going.Time after that she was in the distance so i said nothing but i said hi to the person she was talking to as he is a personal friend of mine.

i won't be stopping to talk to her again. If she said that with no evidence she could say anything. I accept she cannot help her mental problems but they are not my fault and i will not be caught in a situation where she could make false allegations.