Change in relationship with my mother?

Is this the start of a better relationship with my mother?

For over four years, I've been regularly punished verbally for voicing opinion about her relationship with a neighbour. He passed away last week after battling dementia, brought on by alcoholism.

During a phone call at the start of this problem, I suggested she distance herself. She took that to mean that I didn't understand his illness so took every opportunity to tell people that I didn't like her talking about him as he'd got dementia. Totally untrue!

When he first moved in, they developed a friendship. Went out for dinner, watched tv together, etc. Defining moment for me was when he told her he was interested in someone at his gym. Turned out that woman was very happily married.

My mother became obsessed with him. What concerned me was the help she was giving, often at her own expense. He has a son and daughter (she wouldn't have anything to do with her father). My mother took him to medical appointments, also involved my aunt. Got involved with social services when dementia was diagnosed. Eventually, there was a row with his son as he'd assumed she wanted to help so expected her to do more and more.

Fast track to this weekend, when my mother told me he'd died. I said I was sorry to hear it. There's now a decision to be made, should she go to the funeral or not. I said it was between her and her conscience. His son wants her to be involved. I've offered to take her, but really don't want to be a hypocrite. I didn't take to him and was very wary.

Hopefully this will now be the end of the way she's treated me over this subject. No one else in the family has dared to voice their concerns over this supposed friendship.

She was literally doing her Christian duty, taking care of him.

Why do you call it a “supposed friendship”?

First let me say the wild Un popular thing ,not every person our mom and dad "plays with" are going to be more popular than a can of paint at the store.
This is a fact of life , it seems to run in families that we are supposed to get along fabulously with new spouses old spouses etc.. not the way the actual world works.

Did you ever stop and think , there's a part of your mom possibly making up for some perceived "personal failing" in prior relationship and this man was beneficiary of that ?

Sure as someone above pointed out she was doing the whole proper Christian thing , but in my experience it's not usually that simple , your mom's behaviour could very well be something from her formative years , playing out , without a first hand intimate knowledge of you and her I couldn't say for sure.

In any case it's not hypocrite material in my hand to try and offer solace and support to a grieving parent or friend , you didn't have to love him or even like him , to stand in solidarity with your mom, grief is part of the human condition ,at sometime we all grieve , just as death comes to collect all of us sooner or later ,so to shall grief .

Being daughter family enough to accept the guy wasn't your cup of tea ,but still offering that olive branch is being human, if a batter relationship matures great , if not great also ,if we go in eyes open with low expectations either way ,any hurt can wash over us any healing can adhere .

Choose the high road of being human , putting aside our own burdens and baggage to help a "fellow traveler" ( i am sorry that sounds more Roman gypsyish than English ,i blame it on my roots) you dont have to come out ahead , to come out ahead ?
Mom will appreciate at some point in her mortal coil that you "helped" , you were the daughter most parents want us to be , at her side even if the fellow may not have answered any need or desire in you .

It's not always easy to play human and humane when your talking family expectations , family roles or family dynamics. But do as youd want someone to do for you .i hope this gives you clarity ,to makevthe decision that is right for you .

Most likely your mother appreciated the companionship and purpose she experienced from that relationship with her neighbor. She had someone to talk to, to watch TV with, perhaps to cook for and sit and eat with. It may have also contributed to her feeling she had a purpose in her life, something to get up for and participate in that she found rewarding.

Well, now that this neighbor passed away she will actually experience a loss, a void because her companionship and her purpose is now gone. THAT is what SHE now needs support for, it's not about the man but what that relationship ment to HER. That is what needs to be considered AND RESPECTED.

Just because you did not care for this man, would not want to experience companionship or care for him like your mother chose to do doesn't mean what you feel or think should be the way to see things. Often what people consider having value is based on what THEY value instead of developing the ability to RESPECT what someone else VALUES.

People don't really take the time to know another person intimately. It's very sad to me because it creates a lot of lonliness in people and they tend to question their personal value and struggle with feeling depressed and unworthy in some way. Companionship forms when two people engage in being more intimate with each other and they begin to form a caring bond for each other and that can give their life "meaning". That was lacking for your mother and she ended up spending time with this neighbor poshgirl and it provided her with her own personal sense of purpose. That is what is now LOST to her and what you need to respect despite whatever you liked or did not like about this neighbor.

Thank you for your comments. Sorry I've taken so long to acknowledge.

The point about this friendship being a reflection of former relationships is spot on. My stepfather, who she married after being widowed at 25 (with 2 young children), was a poor choice. In those days, women didn't have the confidence to speak out about unacceptable behaviour, so "put up with it". She's freely admitted on many occasions to not learning from it. I'm not suggesting this new friend was abusive in a physical sense.

I do think she formed this relationship because of loneliness. He was the only topic of conversation with family and neighbours (who she believed to be friends, not the gossips they've turned out to be!). One thing she was adamant about , even before he passed away, was that she never slept with him. This comment emanated from personal information his son had shared about his father's past relationships. On occasions I was genuinely concerned for her welfare, especially when they went out for dinner. He insisted on driving, although drinking. When it became obvious he had a problem, she then refused to go anywhere with him.

Then there's the effect it's had on my relationship with other members of the family. The mistake I've made is not putting my point of view. They've all believed what my mother's said about my attitude. Summed up recently by my brother's reaction when I said I'll tell you one of these days. His response, "thanks but no thanks!"