[norwegianwoman]

Hi! I am a woman who recently begun dating.

The guy is great, even though we are quite different - I am extroverted, he is introverted etc. We don't really do much when we are together this far, mainly met out for a coffee or beer, but I want to hang with him more casually.

So, for the issues. I have some, and he has some. His issues are mainly rooted in insecurity., It turns out he's a virgin(!) and very inexperienced in all aspects of a relationship. I didn't really want to have to be a "guide" for him on top of everything else, so this is somewhat of a turn-off for me - in bed I would like a man, not a boy. He is so inexperienced that he basically mimics all I do, even when it comes to stroking and kissing. He should want to try to explore himself, right, without having to take a cue from me? But there is only so much you can do... I might have pushed him a bit and invited him over with sex in mind, we ended up in bed but didn't do it because he was so nervous and I was a bit shocked to realize he was a virgin and that freaked me out a bit.

Either way, I think there is something there - that this could possibly be a very good relationship - and don't want to give him up just yet. We are going slow, which is very unusual for me, I usually jump into bed with someone quite fast to see if we work in that department aswell. And because we want each other. When he takes no initiative on that front, I get a bit worried. But he assures me he always feels comfortable with me etc., even though he was too nervous last time we tried.

What I need help with in regards to him is how I can help him with his insecurities - it is "tiresome" of course to have to teach someone all the ropes, but I guess it can also be a quite good/sexy experience if we do it right. And when he gets more experience in that department I think he will become more confident. But right now I don't really know what to do, I don't want to feel like I am pushing him again.

So - the next issue is me. I have closed off my heart to love. I don't have any traumatic experiences or anything to explain this, apart from having my heart broken but most people experience that. But the thought of getting as vulnerable as I need to be to fall in love truly terrifies me. I have lived independently for ten years, and like to be the boss of my own life, to do what I want when I want, to plan days around my own wants and needs. And to deal with my own thoughts and emotions. Keep them in check, so to speak. Opening myself to love also means opening myself up to not being so much in control anymore, to having another person see me as I see myself. I love myself and have never really struggled with any of that, but when it comes to love a part of me still thinks I am unlovable and I certainly don't want to change for anyone. I think realizing love will probably also change me is something that scares me a bit - I have been virtually the same person since I was 16-17 and I like the person I am. I know love will only strengthen me and broaden my horizons, but still. I don't even know where to begin to allow myself to try to walk down that path.

In short - I am scared to open myself to love and he is scared to do almost anything that moves our relationship out of the platonic stage, so right now we don't really move forward. I guess I have to take the initiative, again, which also tires me a bit as I can already imagine our entire relationship being like that... another thing I fear. That I am the one who always has to move it forward and the one to always have to ensure we do anything beyond sitting at home.

I want love - I want to trust someone completely, to know they're there, I want to have a soulmate / best friend who is a rock in your life and to be the same for them. I want to have a mate to raise children with, I want to have a travel companion, I want to discover new things and eat new food with, someone to goof around with and watch TV with, someone to be proud of and who is proud of me, someone who cares about what I care about and vice versa. In short, someone to share my life with. But getting there - the whole issue of actually falling in love, and having to get to that deep emotional level, scares me quite a lot.

[Open Eyes]

Aside from his lack of experience when it comes to sex, how is he about other things? Same interests as you at all?

[downandlonely]

With sex, you will probably have to teach him. But if you get along in other areas, I think it will be worth it.

[2inchtallman]

I'm not sure of the answer to overcoming anxiety and daring to love. But this song by James Ingram and the words are so encouraging...I hope, likewise they encourage you as well.

How do you keep the music playing?
How do you make it last?
How do you keep the song from fading
Too fast?

How do you lose yourself to someone
And never lose your way?
How do you not run out of new things
To say?

And since you know we're always changing
How can it be the same?

And tell me how year after year
You're sure your heart won't fall apart
Each time you hear his name?

I know the way I feel for you is now or never
The more I love
The more that I'm afraid
That in your eyes I may not see forever
Forever

If we can be the best of lovers
Yet be the best of friends
If we can try with every day to make it better
As it grows
With any luck then I suppose
The music never ends