Divorce isn’t feasible... it just isn’t for many reasons.... so I just need to accept things as they are.

My husband and I don’t ever eat dinner together and rarely go out to eat together. We rarely watch TV together. He’s in a better mood if I stay away from him. I keep to myself a lot and if I want to do something I go on my own or join a group, find friends, etc. I gave up asking him to do things with me because the fights weren’t worth it. On the rare occasion we do something together it’s something he enjoys, not something I specifically wanted to do..

We haven’t taken a vacation together in years and if I bring it up it’s a big fight. He complains that I don’t manage money well. He blames me for anything that goes wrong... like if I walk up behind him and he spills something because he didn’t see me coming he will be angry and it’s my fault.

I can’t stand him most of the time. He has let himself go and doesn’t seem to care if I am attracted to him. I try really hard to take care of myself but he doesn’t really care one way or the other. I hate being in the car with him because he complains and yells at all the other drivers. He’s not nearly as good a driver or as nice a person as he seems to think he is.

Ten years ago if I could have seen this would be my future I would have not wanted to be with him. I have a lot of regrets. Most days I just get along with him and accept this for what it is. I find other people to talk to or I come here. I never tell anybody IRL how my marriage really is. Sometimes I make an effort to do things with him that he enjoys or to be really nice and pay him complements or whatever it is he wants. It doesn’t seem to make a difference to him one way or the other.

Today I just feel sad that this is the way my marriage turned out.

[SorryShaped]

This is how things looked for me before I nearly ate all my pills, but instead chose a hospital, and eventually divorce. I hope you find peace with life, because you only get one chance.

You are right @SorryShaped

Feels like I’ve blown my one chance

[divine1966]

I am so sorry that you are struggling. It can’t be easy. I know you said divorce is not feasible (why if I may ask?) but how about separation? It sounds like your husband is also unhappy in addition to being a difficult person.

I don’t know how old you are but most certainly this isn’t your only chance and you haven’t blown it. Not at all. Your chance of having a content life (single or with a partner) is absolutely out there.

I have made so many bad decisions in my life. I have spent most of my life blaming others when I should have been taking more responsibility. I think I’m lucky that things aren’t worse considering the terrible choices I’ve made. At this point, I want to make the best of what I can, take responsibility, and make decisions that do the least amount of damage.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by Sisabel

You are right @SorryShaped


Feels like I’ve blown my one chance

It's never too late to save yourself

[happysobercrafter]

Honeybunny, do you have a decent therapist or counselor to help you with this?

I applaud you; it takes a lot of maturity and courage to admit your mistakes and vow to do better. xoxoxoxox

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by Sisabel

I have made so many bad decisions in my life. I have spent most of my life blaming others when I should have been taking more responsibility. I think I’m lucky that things aren’t worse considering the terrible choices I’ve made. At this point, I want to make the best of what I can, take responsibility, and make decisions that do the least amount of damage.

I've made, and continue to make, terrible choices. But, I sometimes learn from them, and do what it takes to fix them

[sarahsweets]

@sisabel:

Originally Posted by Sisabel

I have made so many bad decisions in my life. I have spent most of my life blaming others when I should have been taking more responsibility. I think I’m lucky that things aren’t worse considering the terrible choices I’ve made. At this point, I want to make the best of what I can, take responsibility, and make decisions that do the least amount of damage.

Is it really all your fault though? It sounds to me that its a couples problem not just your problem.

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

@sisabel:


Is it really all your fault though? It sounds to me that its a couples problem not just your problem.

I meant my entire life in general. I have made so many mistakes and took too long to recognize the pain I’ve caused myself and others. Yes it’s definitely a couples problem. I see my own part and the patterns that I keep repeating in my life.

Originally Posted by HappyCrafter

Honeybunny, do you have a decent therapist or counselor to help you with this?


I applaud you; it takes a lot of maturity and courage to admit your mistakes and vow to do better. xoxoxoxox

I don’t have a counselor. A good counselor could really help. I’ve tried several times to find one but I haven’t stuck with it because I have felt so frustrated not being able to find one I feel comfortable with.

[happysobercrafter]

I hear you; that's a big problem! Did you now that lots of counselors do video counseling online through safe and secure websites? Please, try to keep looking for a therapist for you. xoxoxox

[MickeyCheeky]

Remember that you're much more than your own marriage and your own relationship, @Sisabel. I'm so sorry things are being so hard for you. It's hard, especially when it seems like the rest of the family isn't of much support either - if I recall correctly what you've said in other threads. I am DEEPLY SORRY! Please try to make the best Life that you can for yourself. You don't need another person to make you happy... go out there, try to make some good friends, perhaps find some nice hobbies for yourself. You are important. You're worth it. You matter. You're WONDERFUL! Please always remember ALL of these things. They're all true. Also don't worry too much about your past mistakes - you're only human. Anyone can make mistakes. Please keep writing here if that helps. Remember that I'm here for you if you wish to talk. I'm sure plenty of others will gladly help you. We ALL care about you here! THAT'S A PROMISE! Please do keep fighting. You ARE important and you know that. Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, @Sisabel!

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

Remember that you're much more than your own marriage and your own relationship, @Sisabel. I'm so sorry things are being so hard for you. It's hard, especially when it seems like the rest of the family isn't of much support either - if I recall correctly what you've said in other threads. I am DEEPLY SORRY! Please try to make the best Life that you can for yourself. You don't need another person to make you happy... go out there, try to make some good friends, perhaps find some nice hobbies for yourself. You are important. You're worth it. You matter. You're WONDERFUL! Please always remember ALL of these things. They're all true. Also don't worry too much about your past mistakes - you're only human. Anyone can make mistakes. Please keep writing here if that helps. Remember that I'm here for you if you wish to talk. I'm sure plenty of others will gladly help you. We ALL care about you here! THAT'S A PROMISE! Please do keep fighting. You ARE important and you know that. Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, @Sisabel!

Thank you. Yes, you are right that there is no family support. I try to do the best I can. Some days I feel depressed and discouraged and I do appreciate having friends here to talk to.

[avlady]

I feel your pain. i almost ended up like that if i didn't take action at a moment in my life where i told myself i had to get away from this man. Alcoholic, demanding of a man too. I hope you decide to leave this person while you can as you can be in charge of your life again as i learned. Hopefully you will also be able to open up to people in your groups and get counseling too or see a therapist.

[Mopey]

Your life is not over, Sisabel. While you're alive you can still make a move, however small. The above suggestions re separation or therapy sound like places to possibly begin.

[SorryShaped]

There's a hip-hop song where the MC says, "I've got two choices: make moves or make excuses"

[Open Eyes]

Don't beat yourself up for whatever you did not do in your past Sisabel. Everyone makes mistakes, makes bad decisions and may not be as informed as they eventually learn later in life. Also, it's important to understand that a lot of us did not have the information that is available today with all our technology and more access to all the things we are gradually discovering.

[sarahsweets]

Someone told me this once when I was constantly blaming myself:

"Put down the bat, You've beaten yourself up enough already".

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Someone told me this once when I was constantly blaming myself:


"Put down the bat, You've beaten yourself up enough already".

I love this. Thank you!

[eskielover]

I spent the last 13 years of my 33 year marriage (from 1994-2007) living in my own room over the garage before I was finally able to leave. I was in & out of psych & medical hospitals because it was better than being home. Can't even remember the number of sui attempts I had trying to get out permanently when I felt so trapped.

When I left I moved 2100 miles away & it still took me another 11 years to get divorced because of the financial mess he had made. It was an escape or get divorced & lose the money I had to escape.

Yep, bad choices on my part because I really didn't KNOW what I was dealing with at the time I made them & saw the red flags....rationalized them away.

The thing is.....after I left & established my own life for the first time in my life at the age of 54.....I have NEVER been happier. Yes I have had MAJOR struggles on my own but nothing like in my bad marriage because for the FIRST TIME, I was in control & responsible for everything in my life.

Yes, in a small town far away from the big city I lived all my.life, I found the best therapist also & a wonderful community that adopted me in a place where I knew no one when I moved.

The future does hold possibilities we have no idea even exist. We don't have to stay stuck when a door opens to get out but we do have to be the one willing to go through it to make our life better. We can't be frozen with fear that it will just be another bad choice. Sometimes it takes time for that door to open but we need to be mindful when it does & be willing to go through it.

Yes, I have learned better ways of handling situations with my now EX-H as I proved last summer when I had court issues to deal with against him. Even learning those better ways, I would NEVER be foolish enough to ever think of putting myself back in that unhealthy environment. Being able to handle things in a better way just helps to bide time until one can get out. IT DOES NOT SOLVE the problem.

Know you are capable of getting through this & into a much better place in your life & that can mean alone while you do take time to resolve your issues that have feed into the bad marriage too. We usually have some dysfunctional issues of our own that need to be fixed or we wouldn't have gotten into the position we are/were in in the first place. The problem comes when both are dysfunctional....it just gets worse not better.

[divine1966]

Times when women had to be married in order to be successful and happy are long gone. Women are fully capable of paying their own bills and be financially independent and have a full happy life, there is ton ton of positives in being single or just dating or if one so wishes to live together or even marry again. There is no reason to be unhappy. I am not saying you need to get divorced. But you don’t have another life, just this one

[Mendingmysoul]

Are you feeling stuck because of children? Many women stay in bad marriages and suffer because they do not want their children to grow up in broken families.Sorry to hear what you are going through.

[birdiegirl]

You sound like me- we are in very similar situations, unfortunately. I am held back financially being unable to be out on my own. Hoping we both can get some clarify on our situations! Hugs to you.