+Long A senseless, irrational, illogical 'love' story.

First of all excuse my English as it is not my first language, I’m French (28). These past months I’ve experienced which I describe as the most senseless, illogical, irrational ‘love’ story ever and wanted to share it with you. I don’t know how to define or classify this girl (German, 25). I’m coming here to post because I’d like to understand what I’ve been living. I also need to vent and I’m really sorry because this is going to be long. I separated it into two chapters. The worst of all is that you’re going to see I started acting rational, confused and later I became a monster, entangled in her stories, dramas and gibberish. Little could my family and friends do, because I wouldn’t hear them. I was blind and felt completely attracted (like a magnet) to her. For you to better understand me and my behavior, I was in another relationship some years ago and we were going to marry after 4 ½ years together. All was nice and good and suddenly, wedding ready and all, she ‘vanished’ from Earth and left me speechless. I’ve spent 2 years not wanting to meet girls, avoiding and missing opportunities, just focusing on my career, work, friends, and when I thought I was finally ready this hurricane came and left me buried in shame, guilt and confusion. I couldn’t recognize me anymore, afraid of myself, and finished looking for professional help. This is my story.

Chapter 1: Being together (April - June)

In Mars I saw a girl at my language school. We didn’t speak at first, just looked at each other here and there. She seemed really curious about me, her eyes were talking to me. When we finally met I realized two things that I should have taken as red flags: 1) she was with a group of others Germans and behaved in a childish way all along and 2) she kept chatting with someone else on her phone, smiling, and asking me questions about the meaning of some words in French. We started to have a conversation and she seemed interested in me. The 3 red flag came fast: she introduced herself with a messed up story about the week before. Apparently, she had gone out alone, met some guys, got drunk, and she said she woke up in a hotel bed with one of them, all of her things stolen. She said something was put on her drink and even went to the hospital. I was surprised: how could she tell me this the first day, when I didn’t even know her? But, now you can start to blame me, I kept going on. I asked her for her number and we met later to have a drink.

At the beginning she seemed super interested in me, it’s like all her attention was focused on getting to know me. She said she never had sex with that guy in the hotel, he asked her to but she declined. She also told me these kind of things didn't happen normally to her. But I quickly realized when she drank she acted erratic, losing things, talking with strangers or disappearing. The crazy story had sense. I remember the night we first kissed we were with a group of friends and some of them told me she seemed crazy, because she wasn’t trying to mix in our group but going here and there talking with strangers. Of course these people looked at her confused. But I kept going on, blind and chained. When we kissed, she told me she was interested in me since the first day she saw me and remembered all times she had seen me, describing them to me.

The 4 flag came after three ‘dates’: we have been kissing, laughing and suddenly she told me she wanted to be honest with me: she had a boyfriend and was sorry not to have told me before but thought if she did I wouldn’t want to meet her. She really liked me and wanted to be with me and things with her bf were so bad she was going to break up with him. According to her everything was in a ‘pause’ and they’d been in bad terms for months. I know I have now like several huge red flags around me but I kept going. I was blind, I felt for the first time in years really interested in a girl and couldn’t (or didn’t want to) see all this. Now I regret it because I was unconsciously entering into a world of madness and chaos.

She broke up with him and for a month and a half we spent magical days of incredible intense sex almost daily (at first she seemed to feel sorry for her ex-bf but quickly ‘forgot’ him) and an emotional intensity where I was like a perfect person to her: all were compliments and nice things about me. But at the same time she proved to be a very insecure person with a really low self-esteem who needed constantly approving and who wouldn’t let me tell her ‘pretty’ because I didn’t tell her that from the beginning. I started to change my behavior not to bother her and avoid any kind of confrontation. She was really jealous of just me looking randomly at some girls, to the point of telling me “If you keep doing this we stop seeing each other”. She said she couldn’t have any relationship (all were failed and lasted for 1 year max, the longest was with the last, 2 years and she spent 1 traveling, half a year here in France and the other half in South America). She also seemed to overthink about stupid things in such a way that those stories became ‘real’ in her mind. For example, at the beginning she was convinced I was just interested in her to get the number of a girl friend of her. She told me one of her biggest fear was to be abandoned, or left in an angry situation without a solution by people she cared about. I remember I used to feel afraid she was way too emotional, because she seemed unstable. Her thoughts seemed to me like a bee hive, she ran fast from one thing to other. She always seemed really active and nervous, sometimes behaving like a little child. One day she got mad at me because I told her, jockingly and in a loving way, “Stop a little, ‘little crazy’! (I don’t know how to translate this but it wasn’t in a mean way)”. She started walking alone and didn’t want me to touch her. She was angry and said didn’t like people telling her she was crazy. Her background stories also seemed really dark: she didn’t have a family, was an ‘accident’, her mother was medicated (schizophrenia or something like this, same with the grandmother), she spent all her teenage years going out drinking and even did drugs sometimes, etc. I realized we were really different as my family is well structured and I never experienced this kind of craziness. But I couldn’t see any of this. She was so loving and attentive with me, so focused on me that I could just see that. We really got along so I didn’t mind all of these things. I didn’t want to open myself at the beginning, because of my last story, but I finally gave up and did it.

Eventually she told me she didn’t want any games and wanted to know what I was thinking all along. She was really insecure about everything, even taking daily decisions seemed like a really big deal for her (just deciding where to eat). She also told me if we were just going to have sex, if there wasn’t a ‘tender’ me. All these comments made me believe she wanted something serious and I was willing to have that again so I talked to her about ‘future’ (she was going to leave the country in three months. I just told her I couldn’t see an end to that, to make her see I wasn’t just taking advantage of her for sex). Well, more or less those days she became really stressed because she thought she was pregnant after having so much sex. I always used protection but sometimes it was so intense and in-the-moment that I started without nothing. I was pretty sure nothing would happen but she kept stressing. We were supposed to go together to the beach a couple of days (she even asked her boss for an extra day), she thought it was a really romantic plan but she kept stressing about the pregnancy. I finally exploded (found myself stressed with work too) and told her calmly “Why going to the beach if we aren’t going to enjoy it? We better stay here and don’t waste money on it”. It was the first time things weren’t done like she wanted them. Well, she overreacted, got really angry and told me I didn’t care about her and put money over her. Also she said I didn’t care about the ‘pregnancy’ and wanted her to sort that out alone. She said she was hurt and didn’t want to see me, after basically having been seeing each other daily. Her period came two days later and told me to meet. To sum up, she told me we couldn’t see each other anymore because she felt she was being dependent on me, she wanted to be here all alone and do her things, that this pregnancy thing remembered her an abortion she had when 18 and it frightened her to think this could happen in a foreign country, also said I had expectations with her and didn’t want me to finish asking for my time back when she had to go, because she didn’t know what could happen between us (This is stupid, as she was the one to start telling me don’t play with me, I don’t want this to be just having sex, etc.).

From this moment on I tell you she became two different persons. It might sound weird but I’m pretty sure about what I lived. While she was telling me all that she was caressing me, holding my hands, looking into my eyes really sad and biting her lip, putting her head in my shoulder, etc. She seemed like she was forcing herself into doing this! I was really confused. I’ve never experienced a ‘break-up’ (even if it wasn’t that, just for you to understand) like this. It was me who had to tell her to go because I was feeling uncomfortable: she started speaking about normal random things with me, as if nothing had happened. When we said goodbye she didn’t want to let go my hand and hours later sent me a text who said “I’m going to miss you” with a heart. She started to write messages in social media about intimate things we would say to each other. Was she regretting her decision? I always thought she acted like this because she perceived I was going to dump her after the beach situation and because all of the ‘stress’ she had. I finally wrote to her a beautiful message where I said I respected her decision but thought we should continue to meet, at least until her depart. We were having such a great time together… She answered back and said she didn’t want to hurt me and never was her intention, and said her mind was a mess and her emotions really mixed. She needed to try a new thing and wanted to be alone. But at the same time she told me “You know I really like you so this is really, really hard for me. I miss you” with a heart. I was really confused and couldn’t understand a thing. Who does this? Either she was lying or her mind was completely divided into two sides: wanting to be alone and wanting me. Some days later after work I saw a missed call from her. I was really blind and to be honest, just waiting for some news, so this was like a proof she wanted to be back. I wrote to her and asked her to meet. She didn’t even doubt it: she said yes. Madness is about to come.