Expectations

It feels like the few relationships I’ve had struggle with went awry because I had expectations that went unmet.

In these cases, IMHO, they were the most minimal of expectations that one would think a caring, kind human being would do. These people supposedly loved me. I strongly feel I was not out of line to have these minimal expectations. But, the fact that I had any was my downfall and they disappointed. I fully believe it is their shortcoming, they lack basic decency and empathy, and not my unrealistic expectations.

But, there’s a line to cross. What are reasonable and unreasonable expectations? Are ANY expectations at all wrong to have?

It feels like this is a world that has boundaries to say ‘don’t you dare place any expectations at all on me!’

Does anyone else have thoughts on this? Have you found you haven’t even gotten basic respect from close relationships? Do you feel people have been strange in this area?

I think people interact differently these days. I think people are busy, distracted and stressed out more than ever. Maybe there are other reasons for the change but I honestly don’t understand it.

I am working on this issue a bit myself. I would say that your own standards and values should never be lowered. I don’t want to change who I am and what I value based on the behavior of others.

I think expectations are a problem though. I am trying to just accept people and situations for what they are. Everyone is dealing with their own struggle and most of the time I probably don’t have a clue what that is.

Maybe in letting go a bit we can find some peace.

Tisha, this is such a good question. I think its the question of the millenium. The last millenium. I wonder if it will find an answer in this one.

Expectations were GIVEN to us, by church, school, family, country. Boomers and the birth control pill come along and challenge all those expectations. Want milk? Buy the cow! Not anymore!

I hate to say it, but maybe DEFINING our quid pro quo's will be the new challenge!

Being disappointed hurts so much. It does seem like you have been and still struggle with this.

My problem is a little different. Mostly during of my life, I don't think about or know what I want or have high enough expectations. I need a structured environment to thrive but if that structured environment is unjust then I spin out of control. It is better to have strong boundaries at the beginning then loosen them as trust develops. I trust immediately then when I find myself having to call the other person out they get really angry. I tend to mostly retreat when this happens. The problems occur for me when it is impossible to retreat because they are family, people at work, etc.

Having other people have BASIC RESPECT for you and at least SOME KINDNESS are perfectly NORMAL expectations in my book! Unfortunately, not everyone seems to agree on that! I don't think the answer is lowering your standards. You deserve to be treated well. However, it is important to acknowledge that not everyone will meet those expectations. That way we won't feel too upset when we find that out. It isn't easy but it's worth a try. I am sorry fi this doesn't make much sense. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you and everyone, @TishaBuy, your Families, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Don't you EVER give up hope! Keep fighting and keep rocking no matter what happens, ok?! Please be ALWAYS kind to yourselves no matter what happens, ok?!

Yes! I would think that someone who supposedly loves you would treat you with the most minimal display of affection and kindness simply because they feel love and want to show it. In a quid pro quo, they would do it because you will give them something they want. I had nothing they wanted. Not only did they not really love me, they didn’t even need to be nice in order to use me.

I had a cat when I was a kid and I’d show my mom how cute it was that the cat was ‘kissing’ me by licking me and showing love by rubbing up against me. She said, ‘she only loves you because you feed her’. It’s like that.

There also used to be social pressures to act with certain graciousness. Like to respect your elders, for example. I think society has rejected all ‘rules’ like that (at least USA has). I sense this ‘screw you and your traditions’ attitude sometimes, from some people I’ve encountered, not all though.

I know there’s definitely a line I wouldn’t cross of expectations that are just unreasonable and boundary crossing. Where is that line for each of us? Does everyone draw their own lines? What is societal norm?

But in these conflicts I’ve had with family that has left us no longer involved, I did not cross those lines, not in my book for sure. Yet, it was in their opinions I did, simply because I feel hurt from being regarded and treated badly. Yes, when you call people on their hurtful behavior, they get more angry and go farther away!

Good stuff above. When I saw this thread, I was immediately reminded of a sponsor I had long ago. He said: "Expectations are just resentments that haven't happened yet."

For me in my life, I think he was right on the money.

That’s true! Then when there’s resentment that goes unrepaired and unresolved that’s the end of the good relationship (it becomes unhealthy) or the total end of the relationship, period.

But there’s no way to always have zero expectations and think any way someone treats you is just great. It comes down to when they truly like or love you, they just do meet your minimal expectations. When they don’t truly feel as they say they do their actions show their true colors.

Again, I’m not talking about overly imposing expectations but what I’m sure most would agree are basic expectations. I suppose that’s all debatable.

I understand what you’re saying. Things like basic respect and courtesy are not too much to ask. I agree. However, I’ve had to just either accept the limitations of a relationship or walk away from it. There’s not much we can do. I’m very sorry. I know you’re disappointed and sad and I know how that feels.

Interesting thread, I have a lot of thoughts on this. I will try to share some of them later

Hey @TishaBuv: I don’t think expectations are wrong. But if we do not tell someone or people what they are then we can’t expect them to be met.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv It feels like the few relationships I’ve had struggle with went awry because I had expectations that went unmet. In these cases, IMHO, they were the most minimal of expectations that one would think a caring, kind human being would do. These people supposedly loved me. I strongly feel I was not out of line to have these minimal expectations. But, the fact that I had any was my downfall and they disappointed. I fully believe it is their shortcoming, they lack basic decency and empathy, and not my unrealistic expectations. But, there’s a line to cross. What are reasonable and unreasonable expectations? Are ANY expectations at all wrong to have? It feels like this is a world that has boundaries to say ‘don’t you dare place any expectations at all on me!’ Does anyone else have thoughts on this? Have you found you haven’t even gotten basic respect from close relationships? Do you feel people have been strange in this area?

In each case of mine, I told them...oh, I told ‘em alright. lol. That’s the reason those relationships went toxic or ended. The other person did not apologize and begin to treat me any better, it only got worse.

TBH, these few experiences of mine were really extreme. Two relationships, a sister and a son, were wonderful until one incident of friction and then they went estranged.

Very interesting indeed! I don't have any advice or consolation for you, just a thought. You seemed to have tapped into an interesting dichotomy between expectations and boundaries. Maybe the two are opposites and balancing them is the game.

I am just thinking in my own marital relationship, I want so badly for my spouse to loosen her boundaries in one area of my expectations, that I give her free reign to cross my boundaries to please her expectations of me. Not healthy, I know, but I'm a work in progress.

Yes! If you have zero expectations, people will still hurt you, and you will feel hurt and have to enforce a boundary to not let them do it again. If your expectations are too high, the other person will feel you have violated their boundaries, and they will not meet your expectations and stop you from demanding it of them again.

Different cultures have societal norms and certain expectations for what is to be done and is acceptable. I never had a problem staying within these ‘norms’.

A sister to tell me ‘how dare you expect for me to act like a sister and have your back?’ Am I to have zero expectation of what is a sister? Is a sister a more intimate relationship from a stranger? That’s what happened in that one incident to me, for example.

Between you and your wife, if you can’t work it out, it’s only going to make for a more toxic situation or lead to a break up.

Tisha

Great topic!

If we have good standards for behaviour and other situations, then we should never change just because others have. Here in UK, there's the same attitude of "screw you/f*** you". It's even more disappointing when close family members behave that way.

Don't feel you have to "run with the pack". Life does deliver knocks. The frustrations we experience as often because others behaviour falls short of our expectations. Be assured, there are people who will still be helpful, polite and caring. Makes you feel good, as I experienced in supermarket the other day. Couldn't reach item on shelf so asked man next to me. He was really nice and it calmed my frustration at only being short!!

This. My problem is not having high enough expectations and feeling like I don't know what 'normal' is.

An even bigger struggle is not knowing where to draw the line in terms of other people's expectations of me. It is hard not to comply with other people's demands of me or to know what is a reasonable expectation vs. an unreasonable one.

It’s all just a balance. In relationships, we want a give and take. We want mutual satisfaction. There is a quid pro quo as Unaluna and Trump said . The exchange can be for friendship, love, money, whatever.

If you are too easy, people use you and you feel resentment. If you can’t be strong enough to enforce your boundary, they will keep walking all over you. It can be very tough to enforce those boundaries with some people. I have had to be very tough and go up against unbelievably pushy people!

If you are too nervy, pushy, use people and walk all over them, someone will soon stop you, they won’t be your friend, you will eventually get exposed and run off.,.. or you will be president? jk.

There are no right or wrong answers about what is acceptable. It’s just what do most people think and do. You need to expose yourself to a good sampling of society to figure out what those expectations and boundaries are.

I’m really hating watching sappy shows on TV during the holiday season where everybody is so loving and giving. Is this based on anyone’s reality? Surely, not mine.

I have relationships where I sometimes let the person use me to a point, and that’s alright with me. I had the smallest of expectation that my own beloved sister would speak up for me to have my back. But I was swiftly put in my place and told she cared nothing for me if it didn’t directly effect her. It was shocking, and I am sure FAR from anyone’s norm. My family is whack.

I understand.Usually in relationships I am the one who gets manipulated. I give too much but think that someday they will return the favour back,if I need it.There is a cousin who said he would die for me if he had to.He adored me that much and among the extended family of dozens of cousins he swore I was his favourite. I believed him and gave ,gave and gave.I asked recently for a small favour for the first time and guess what?????He literally stopped talking to me.LOL.

This has been a thread that hits home for me. I've WASTED many years of my life waiting for certain people to meet, what I considered very minimal expectations. I've been nothing but dissapointed. You can't even have a civil conversation anymore. Most people seem to just think with the emotional side of their brains. People do not want to hear the truth or fact's of the matter anymore. I'm so sick of the one sidedness of opinion. It's an US against THEM
mentality in today's society. Everything in this universe has both a positive and negative composition. There is nothing we can all agree on. Everything can be debated. It's all about PERCEPTION. Sorry if I possibly may have degressed.
Bottom line for me now is that if I have NO expectations, I will never be dissapointed.
Thank you all for being here.

I’m sorry this happened to you, too! Are you taking it well? I admire that you can “lol”.

For me this is a theme because I have always been emotionally neglected and invalidated in my family. It’s this issue that caused the rift and why we imploded. I was finally out to get some validation, but instead got told to my face I literally mean nothing.

I’m trying to move forward and be happy in new ways... forget the idea of the family idealization.

I think you’ve been with people who aren’t going to meet your truly minimal expectations. They are the wrong people. There ARE better people out there who will meet your needs. They just may not be your family.

I’m doing very well with close friends who are nice people. I’ve had close friends who turned out to be very toxic people, and I’ve gotten them out of my life. Maybe the dynamic of that they are friends and not the most intimate level of close is working for me because they are meeting my expectations as far as friends go. But the most intimate behavior you’d expect from family has been my issue.

I agree, times are quite uncivil. Facts can be twisted and debated in every direction, distorted to be used for whichever side. Speech is powerful and injustice is upsetting!

Having NO expectations isn’t the best thing for anyone either, IMHO. Don’t give up. Find a balance, find better friends. Stay out of political conversations, lol.

Tisha,even if I lolled it really hurts.I do not like to reach out for help.I would rather cry in my dark room when feeling helpless.The sarcasm of my cousin for the little favour I asked for was too much.But it gave me a good glimpse of the selfishness of the so called family.I innocently thought they could give a little because they took much more from me.Hmmm well.Guess not.But in the end I learned a valuable lesson.

I'm sorry that you are struggling right now. I am the same way.