[TealOrca12]

ItÂ’s been awhile since IÂ’ve posted at these forums, and I find them so helpful!

I will try to keep this concise and not get into too many storylines. The background, which may it may not complicate things, is I am in an open marriage but my spouse lives across the country. The partner I am writing/asking about lives close to me. I moved to the state I am in to be closer to said partner. Everyone in my life knows about each other and this is ethical. Just wanted to explain this!

My partner and I have known each other and been seeing each other romantically for over 2 years. It’s been pretty serious and committed, although in open relationships commitment doesn’t always mean “end up living together and married.” The partner and I have somewhat slightly different values about this, but we have worked around that. Though sometimes I wonder if deep down he holds resentment towards me which could be the source of some of these ups and downs.

My partner has a mental health symptom history. I am not sure of the full extent of it or exactly what condition or diagnosis “fits.” (I am in the field so I think about this too- but try not to overthink it). He has had therapy before and even been on medication but hasn’t in years. He cycles through normal/stable moods where he is mostly upbeat, enthusiastic about things, funny, loving, consistent with communication, and articulate. Then every few weeks he pulls back, becomes distant, quiet and tense on the phone or in person, snappy, seems to pick fights, cuts off conversations, sometimes doesn’t tell me “I love you” back (which he normally always does and says). Since I have known him I have noticed the ups and downs, but lately I have noticed them increasing in frequency and intensity. I am not sure if they are getting worse or if he’s more comfortable with me and so isn’t hiding it or whatever. He has had therapy in the past, but hasn’t in awhile. I have encouraged him to try and resume this but he resists - I partially think it is career related because there are some stigmas still associated with this in his career. He has also not had great experiences in therapy and made the comment that it doesn’t help him. I have not brought it up in awhile because I cannot force him to get help. I have tried to adapt my behavior, give him space when it seems that’s what he needs, listen, be there etc....at times it feels like walking on eggshells though. I can ask a simple, neutral question and it seems like when he’s in a down cycle he’ll misinterpret it and become irritated or snappy with me. Sometimes he has even yelled at me, which used to be really upsetting but I hate to say I’m used to it.

I care about and love this person very much. I do not want to end the relationship. I do want to learn how to communicate better and set better boundaries for myself. When he is down, it greatly impacts my mental health. I have anxiety and depression that IÂ’ve worked on my whole life with therapy and meds. I have worked hard and still struggle with my own issues. Generally, I am okay but when he has these moods, it brings out my insecurity. I also feel like all my mental resources go into managing my responses to him and anticipating him, that I lose patience with others and am very irritable at work and with other people. ItÂ’s almost like I pick up the energy from in and dissipate it elsewhere! This is very strange, I know.

Communicating with him about this is difficult and almost impossible. He is sensitive and I think easily gets hurt, but then lashes out. I know this needs to be addressed somehow but IÂ’m scared to bring it up. I donÂ’t want him to think IÂ’m criticizing him. I canÂ’t figure out if this is depression, some kind of bipolar spectrum thing, or even traits of borderline. I have wondered if this is an abusive relationship, but IÂ’m not afraid of him, more so of upsetting him and hurting our connection.

If anyone else is in something like this, I would love to commiserate and discuss how you handle it. I love this person and I also love myself and I need to balance this. Or at least compartmentalize better!

[Skeezyks]

Your situation is not one I can relate to personally. (Actually I think your partner & I probably have some things in common.) But I just wanted to let you know I read your post. And I wish you both well...

[sarahsweets]

Welcome @TealOrca12

Originally Posted by TealOrca12

It’s been awhile since My partner and I have known each other and been seeing each other romantically for over 2 years. It’s been pretty serious and committed, although in open relationships commitment doesn’t always mean “end up living together and married.” The partner and I have somewhat slightly different values about this, but we have worked around that. Though sometimes I wonder if deep down he holds resentment towards me which could be the source of some of these ups and downs.

Just so I am clear when you say partner an commitment which person do you mean? The partner you have been with? Or the newer partner that you started to see?

My partner has a mental health symptom history. I am not sure of the full extent of it or exactly what condition or diagnosis “fits.” (I am in the field so I think about this too- but try not to overthink it). He has had therapy before and even been on medication but hasn’t in years. He cycles through normal/stable moods where he is mostly upbeat, enthusiastic about things, funny, loving, consistent with communication, and articulate. Then every few weeks he pulls back, becomes distant, quiet and tense on the phone or in person, snappy, seems to pick fights, cuts off conversations, sometimes doesn’t tell me “I love you” back (which he normally always does and says). Since I have known him I have noticed the ups and downs, but lately I have noticed them increasing in frequency and intensity.

This to me is something that should be seriously discussed aside from what I will respond to below. If it is mental illness and not treated your love and support will not be enough and it really isnt your responsibility to 'help' him .

I am not sure if they are getting worse or if heÂ’s more comfortable with me and so isnÂ’t hiding it or whatever. He has had therapy in the past, but hasnÂ’t in awhile. I have encouraged him to try and resume this but he resists - I partially think it is career related because there are some stigmas still associated with this in his career. He has also not had great experiences in therapy and made the comment that it doesnÂ’t help him. I have not brought it up in awhile because I cannot force him to get help. I have tried to adapt my behavior, give him space when it seems thatÂ’s what he needs, listen, be there etc....at times it feels like walking on eggshells though. I can ask a simple, neutral question and it seems like when heÂ’s in a down cycle heÂ’ll misinterpret it and become irritated or snappy with me. Sometimes he has even yelled at me, which used to be really upsetting but I hate to say IÂ’m used to it.

You can change how you interact with him but not in the way you may be changing. If you adapt to him because he is mean or nasty or depressed or whatever you are allowing yourself to be hurt and it will become very toxic. If you change the way you interact with him by setting boundaries, expectations and consequences- that is what I believe will help you. Helping him is admirable, but helping you should be your priority. If he knows he has had therapy or even meds in the past then he knows the drill and has to want to help himself. How does he feel about treating you this way?

I care about and love this person very much. I do not want to end the relationship. I do want to learn how to communicate better and set better boundaries for myself. When he is down, it greatly impacts my mental health. I have anxiety and depression that IÂ’ve worked on my whole life with therapy and meds. I have worked hard and still struggle with my own issues. Generally, I am okay but when he has these moods, it brings out my insecurity. I also feel like all my mental resources go into managing my responses to him and anticipating him, that I lose patience with others and am very irritable at work and with other people. ItÂ’s almost like I pick up the energy from in and dissipate it elsewhere! This is very strange, I know.

I do not think this is strange at all. Have you heard of codependency? I think you should google it. What would you tell a friend if she were in the exact situation as you? Would you tell her to keep checking herself and modifying her behavior and change the way she interacts with her partner? Or would you encourage her to get help for herself?

Communicating with him about this is difficult and almost impossible. He is sensitive and I think easily gets hurt, but then lashes out. I know this needs to be addressed somehow but IÂ’m scared to bring it up. I donÂ’t want him to think IÂ’m criticizing him. I canÂ’t figure out if this is depression, some kind of bipolar spectrum thing, or even traits of borderline. I have wondered if this is an abusive relationship, but IÂ’m not afraid of him, more so of upsetting him and hurting our connection.

I think you may want to consider your own therapy to work out a plan. Or sit down and make an actual pros and cons list. This seems like an awful lot of work. Love is wonderful and meaningful- it should never be that much work.