Can’t seem to shake this

Sunflower, from what you have shared it really sounds like both of you are struggling with the after affects of narcissistic abuse. I honestly feel that both of you should spend time in therapy with a trauma therapist as you have mentioned struggling with flashbacks and how you struggle to sleep and distance.

I am going to provide an article for you to read, please do so with caution because you may identify with what you read. From what you share it sounds like both you and your boyfriend struggle with shame too.

11 Signs You're the Victim of Narcissistic Abuse

The right therapy can help both of you heal and learn how to get closer as it sounds like you both want to "care and love" each other but struggle with fear that was created from the toxic/abusive partners you both experienced in your past when you both were much too young to really understand and better protect yourselves.

As a female who has been in your man’s place and my husband responded Ins similar manner, I can say that trust is something that takes so much longer to recover. But I truly believe it’s just something that takes time

Is it something you learned a lesson from? Would you ever hurt him again in that way?

Yes I definitely learned to be more open and honest wit him. It was very difficult to regain his trust. Sometimes it still feels like he doesn’t trust me even tho it’s been five years.
He has also lost my trust on another topic. We are both working through our trust issues. But it is definitely something that takes work from both sides.

I’m so sorry for not responding before. I didn’t see this post.