[Have Hope]

A very new friend I made online told me something most disturbing about herself, which I will not repeat here. It made my stomach turn and become ill. It made me feel ill.

After telling me this secret of hers, she pleaded with me to remain friends with her and to not judge her.

But I cannot help it. I am so disgusted by what she told me, what she told me goes against every moral fibre in my body, and I cannot relate at all to her, nor do I agree with her choices in lifestyle. I cannot be friends with someone who lives the opposite kind of lifestyle and values as me.

So I decided to cut off the friendship, and I feel absolutely horrible about it.

Granted, we had only exchanged a few personal emails before she told me this, so it was a very new friendship, but I am now kicking myself for giving her my email so quickly. I went against my own principle of getting to know someone first before exchanging emails. And now I got myself into a sticky situation from which I had to quickly exit, and I feel terrible about it. I feel I am judging her, but I can't help how I feel.

I still feel I did the right thing, regardless, but it just feels awful.

Does anyone have any comforting words for me?

[Britedark]

Hi Have Hope!

I support your decision. Firstly, 'not judging' cannot be a synonym for 'not having an opinion'. Secondly, these days society puts too much pressure on us to be non-judgemental. In other words, being 'judgemental' is judged very harshly in the current society. Which itself is contrary, but let's not get philosophical.

I think each of us have the right to choose our friends. It is well within our jurisdiction to decide the kind of people we wish to associate with. I don't think you are wrong for having opinions or for wanting to associate with people who share your values and code of ethics.

As for giving out your email address - well, how can you get to know a person online without exchanging correspondence? The initial correspondence is more like a screening process - finding out whether the other person is compatible with you or not. Whatever information your friend revealed was voluntary, right? You didn't manipulate her into giving up the information or something. So why should you feel guilty? You did not like something about her, you realized that she is incompatible with you and now you wish to terminate the friendship. How is that wrong from any angle?

Our friends are the family we get to choose. It will be deplorable if that 'choice' factor gets snatched away from us, even in friendship.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Britedark

Hi Have Hope!

I support your decision. Firstly, 'not judging' cannot be a synonym for 'not having an opinion'. Secondly, these days society puts too much pressure on us to be non-judgemental. In other words, being 'judgemental' is judged very harshly in the current society. Which itself is contrary, but let's not get philosophical.

I think each of us have the right to choose our friends. It is well within our jurisdiction to decide the kind of people we wish to associate with. I don't think you are wrong for having opinions or for wanting to associate with people who share your values and code of ethics.

As for giving out your email address - well, how can you get to know a person online without exchanging correspondence? The initial correspondence is more like a screening process - finding out whether the other person is compatible with you or not. Whatever information your friend revealed was voluntary, right? You didn't manipulate her into giving up the information or something. So why should you feel guilty? You did not like something about her, you realized that she is incompatible with you and now you wish to terminate the friendship. How is that wrong from any angle?

Our friends are the family we get to choose. It will be deplorable if that 'choice' factor gets snatched away from us, even in friendship.

Thank you so much for your support and kindness!

She told me I am just another judgmental person she's come across.

But you're right, and I agree with you. I have a right to my opinion. I also have the right to be discerning about whom I choose as a friend.

Her moral compass and values are so far away from my own.

I feel tainted and poisoned by what she told me, it was that disturbing -- so much so that I need a lot of self soothing.

I am crawling in my skin right now.

[MickeyCheeky]

You did the right thing, @Have Hope! I COMPLETELY agree with the wise and wonderful @Britedark! I don't know what this person did specifically, of course, but if it bothered you, then it was your right to tell her that you did not want to continue your Friendship. Please do listen to what @Britedark has said to you! I don't think you have any obligation to continue begin friends with someone you're not comfortable with. I am sorry for her as well, of course, but in the end, it would have been a "fake" friendship so not very good for her either. Hopefully she will find szomeone else who won't be bothered by what she did. In any case, please do remember that it is NOT your fault! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Have Hope, your Family, your Friends, your Online Friend and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK, MY DEAR, SWEET, KIND, AWESOME AND WONDERFUL FRIEND?!

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

You did the right thing, @Have Hope! I COMPLETELY agree with the wise and wonderful @Britedark! I don't know what this person did specifically, of course, but if it bothered you, then it was your right to tell her that you did not want to continue your Friendship. Please do listen to what @Britedark has said to you! I don't think you have any obligation to continue begin friends with someone you're not comfortable with. I am sorry for her as well, of course, but in the end, it would have been a "fake" friendship so not very good for her either. Hopefully she will find szomeone else who won't be bothered by what she did. In any case, please do remember that it is NOT your fault! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Have Hope, your Family, your Friends, your Online Friend and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK, MY DEAR, SWEET, KIND, AWESOME AND WONDERFUL FRIEND?!

Aww, thanks so much, @MickeyCheeky!!!

I will try.... it was SO disturbing what she told me.

I want to say it on here, but I cannot figure out how to do the trigger code correctly.

[Have Hope]

Deleted post.

[~Christina]

Well look at things this way

You learned a valuable lesson .. do not share email until a friendship shows good healthy growth over time. Keep talking to a person on what ever platform you found each other.

Honestly I only use my email for medical info or tracking an order or something. I doubt I’ve sent an email to anyone in 8-10 months or longer. I have Facebook friends and family and we just use messenger.

If your ideas or morals just don’t align with whoever you can simply stop talking to them. Send a message ...I’m sorry I think you and I have much different opinions /morals /views and would like to stop communicating , I wish you well in life. The end.

Feeling horrible ? Well don’t. We all need to take care of ourselves mentally and physically

Like what if you had a friend that drove crazy fast and dangerous when you get in the car ? You wouldn’t get back in the car with them. Why feel horrible ? You were protecting yourself. Same logic applies to your situation.

Good luck

[divine1966]

No one is obligated to be friends with anyone else. It’s only understandable that we are all selective who we are friends with and we have rights to apply whatever criteria we see fit. It’s nothing to do with judgement but rather with rights to choose who we associate with. You don’t owe this person anything. Nothing to feel bad about. She isn’t a family member or life long trusted friend. People meet, find themselves incompatible and move on. Politely wish her the best and cut the ties.

[Have Hope]

Thanks @christina and @divine1966.

Yes, I learned a very valuable lesson. And I also agree that I am not obligated. Plain and simple!

It just sucks. I feel kind of scarred from the experience, after learning what I did about this person. Wish it had never happened.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

A very new friend I made online told me something most disturbing about herself, which I will not repeat here. It made my stomach turn and become ill. It made me feel ill.

After telling me this secret of hers, she pleaded with me to remain friends with her and to not judge her.

But I cannot help it. I am so disgusted by what she told me, what she told me goes against every moral fibre in my body, and I cannot relate at all to her, nor do I agree with her choices in lifestyle. I cannot be friends with someone who lives the opposite kind of lifestyle and values as me.

So I decided to cut off the friendship, and I feel absolutely horrible about it.

Granted, we had only exchanged a few personal emails before she told me this, so it was a very new friendship, but I am now kicking myself for giving her my email so quickly. I went against my own principle of getting to know someone first before exchanging emails. And now I got myself into a sticky situation from which I had to quickly exit, and I feel terrible about it. I feel I am judging her, but I can't help how I feel.

I still feel I did the right thing, regardless, but it just feels awful.

Does anyone have any comforting words for me?

I completely understand how you feel. I been there myself.

[Deilla]

I'm sorry you experienced that. It sounds exactly like something I went through recently. The secret was horrifying. So disturbing that I was upset for quite some time. I tried not to judge. And I tried to be friends, but the stories kept getting worse. Finally I had to end the relationship. I hope you recover soon. Take care of yourself. You did the best you could.

[Crazy Hitch]

Good for you for sticking to your moral compass and not allowing that which goes against your integrity to get in your way any longer.

You have every right to cut her off. If she feels judged that’s on her con science not yours.

Hold your head high. You’ve done nothing wrong and in fact you’ve done everything right. You don’t need to entertain her any longer. She’s making these online friends because it’s very likely in real life she’s rejected by people because of what she does. So in actual fact I think she was just using you like a puppet and you’ve stood your ground.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

Good for you for sticking to your moral compass and not allowing that which goes against your integrity to get in your way any longer.

You have every right to cut her off. If she feels judged that’s on her con science not yours.

Hold your head high. You’ve done nothing wrong and in fact you’ve done everything right. You don’t need to entertain her any longer. She’s making these online friends because it’s very likely in real life she’s rejected by people because of what she does. So in actual fact I think she was just using you like a puppet and you’ve stood your ground.

Thank you for the validation, @Crazy Hitch! Much appreciated!!

Yes, she did try to turn it around on me by telling me I was being judgmental. And I do suspect she doesn't make many friends because of this issue. That's probably why she wanted to become friends so quickly.

I do feel a little better about this, though I still feel scarred from the experience. Blah.

[sarahsweets]

Hey @Have Hope: In my experiences with you, you have an open mind and want to be supportive so I can only imagine how bad this secret is for you to be disgusted. If this secret is borderline illegal or dangerous and you feel it needs to be reported either here or elsewhere, do not hesitate in the interest of not being judgmental.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Hey @Have Hope: In my experiences with you, you have an open mind and want to be supportive so I can only imagine how bad this secret is for you to be disgusted. If this secret is borderline illegal or dangerous and you feel it needs to be reported either here or elsewhere, do not hesitate in the interest of not being judgmental.

Thank you @sarahsweets! Yes, I am very open and I do want to be supportive... hence, how I get myself into trouble.

Yes, what this person did is illegal, I could report it, but it's harder because I met the person online. It's also not something I personally wish to pursue... I'd rather wash my hands of it completely it was that ICKY.

[divine1966]

If what this person does is harming to others and you know this persons real name, you might want to make a police report and let them investigate. If it’s not harming others, you can maybe let that go and block this person.

As about her saying you are judgemental. “Yup. You got it. I am judging you. Now ...off. Good bye”. It doesn’t matter what she says.

I often find out that people who scream about people being judgemental, just want people to be ok with their inappropriate behaviors. We aren’t sheep and don’t need to accept things. Yes we have rights to make judgments. Your judgement is that you don’t need her in your life.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by divine1966

If what this person does is harming to others and you know this persons real name, you might want to make a police report and let them investigate. If it’s not harming others, you can maybe let that go and block this person.

As about her saying you are judgemental. “Yup. You got it. I am judging you. Now ...off. Good bye”. It doesn’t matter what she says.

I often find out that people who scream about people being judgemental, just want people to be ok with their inappropriate behaviors. We aren’t sheep and don’t need to accept things. Yes we have rights to make judgments. Your judgement is that you don’t need her in your life.

I do not know her real name or her geo location. There's no way I could report it. It really was/is terrible though. Horrifying is the word.

And yes, I agree. I didn't take her words to heart. I imagine she has trouble keeping ANY friends. I imagine every single person who learned this about her would walk away in a heartbeat.

No, I definitely didn't need this kind of person in my life.

I have a ton of compassion for people and for their individual problems and/or issues, but there's a limit to my compassion when a person's actions go against my own moral principles. I cannot with reason maintain that kind of friendship. I would be betraying myself in that case.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I do not know her real name or her geo location. There's no way I could report it. It really was/is terrible though. Horrifying is the word.

And yes, I agree. I didn't take her words to heart. I imagine she has trouble keeping ANY friends. I imagine every single person who learned this about her would walk away in a heartbeat.

No, I definitely didn't need this kind of person in my life.

I have a ton of compassion for people and for their individual problems and/or issues, but there's a limit to my compassion when a person's actions go against my own moral principles. I cannot with reason maintain that kind of friendship. I would be betraying myself in that case.

If you don’t even know her real name or location, I’d not refer to it as friendship. Just someone you talk in online forums or sites. Easier to end it then. You can fe compassion and still have zero interest in talking to a person. Hopefully she leaves you alone from now on

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by divine1966

If you don’t even know her real name or location, I’d not refer to it as friendship. Just someone you talk in online forums or sites. Easier to end it then. You can fe compassion and still have zero interest in talking to a person. Hopefully she leaves you alone from now on

Yes, that's why I said it was a new, budding friendship, not a friend yet. She in fact had called me a friend very early on. I was more hesitant, which is why I wrote in my initial post that I should not have given her my email so quickly. I was hesitant then, yet I did it anyways. It's my people pleasing ways, which I need to get past. I need to stop doing that. And yes, she's left me alone, thankfully.

[Franner]

I'd probably not add much to what has already been said, but you're free to choose who's in your friendship circle and who you'd like to contact to.

Personally, I think you actually handled the situation pretty well. Your behavior was exceptional, considering this person wasn't a friend yet.

Originally Posted by Have Hope

[...]
but I am now kicking myself for giving her my email so quickly.

I you ever find yourself in a similar situation creating another non-personal email account would be useful.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Franner

I'd probably not add much to what has already been said, but you're free to choose who's in your friendship circle and who you'd like to contact to.

Personally, I think you actually handled the situation pretty well. Your behavior was exceptional, considering this person wasn't a friend yet.


I you ever find yourself in a similar situation creating another non-personal email account would be useful.

Aw, thanks, @Franner. I appreciate your kind words!

[bpcyclist]

To thine own self be true is what came to my mind reading all this. You did that. Good on you.

[Fuzzybear]

I'm sorry about that person. I think you handled the situation well.

[Have Hope]

Thank you @bpcyclist and @Fuzzybear!!!

[giddykitty]

Ok, seriously, why does it keep logging me out?! Hmm

I second what Franner said, that I probably can't add much more and that who you choose as your friends is your choice.

I also think the advice about having a separate email account for these types of newer relationships is a great idea! I have such an account myself! And, I found out (albeit a little slower than was helpful) that Gmail has the option to block an account. So, if all else fails just click and bye bye! But of course if I'd been talking to a person for awhile, I'd explain that I was doing so first. Like, give them one more chance.