Can't talk to my wife

@guy1111, you know, I was thinking a bit more on the communication blocks you have come across with your wife. It seems she approaches things from a position of immaturity. It seems she lacks the communication skills and tools that are necessary in order to discuss and work through any issues with you, which ultimately, will make a marriage fall apart in the end. I think that couples therapy could give your wife the tools she needs in order to be able to communicate more effectively and productively with you. And I'm afraid that without the assistance of a couples therapist, that you are going to continue to experience the same exact scenarios and will continue banging your head against the wall. This will only lead to further emotional distancing and shutting down on your end.... the marriage will suffer even worse if this keeps up. She really needs help in learning how to communicate. And I could say the same exact things about my own husband, who also has a lot of trouble with communication.

I left someone after 22 years because of my feelings of inadequacy...jealousy....and just got sick and tired of being miserable everyday within myself.
I have zero self esteem and when I left the marriage....it was hard...but it was easier than having him around watching things he was doing that were hurting me.
I don't think she is being sensitive and loving and or caring about you ...the condition you are in right now....etc.

People staying for their "kids" which you may subconsciously be doing ALWAYS ends up in trickling down to actually harming the children....My children would tell you that. My children told me after I finally dissolved our marriage that they had WISHED that I did it long ago.

Your children are noticing you are not happy...this puts a heavy weight on your childrens hearts....If you are unable to "take care of yourself" and get out of this marriage (even if it is just for now)....than please find the strength to seperate for your children....Seperate...continue counseling...get out in the world and find people friends and/or women that make you SMILE.

Life is too short....

I am a strong believer that staying in a bad marriage for the kids is a bad bad idea. Kids will likely struggle with relationships and other issues because of what they witness. And yes they see everything.

Ya, no matter how much I grow, the further apart I get from her. This sucks. I feel crappy today because I finally got to see my therapist face to face and she linked alot of my insecurities back to childhood. I really didn't want to go there yesterday, but was brave and went ahead. Sure enough, today, I feel like I am no good. I was all psyched yesterday thinking I was strong and wise for going through therapy and tackling my issues head on. Today I just feel reminded that I had a crappy past and I have a lot more room to grow. Then my wife just blows me off today on the phone. I was kind of short with her when I hung up. I don't even know if she noticed. Even if she did she probably shrugged her shoulders and went on with her day. She just doesn't get me. Oh well. Keep moving forward I guess. I feel like just staying out of the house as long as I can tonight.

Lesser of two evils I guess. Sorry, just not feeling tip top right now.

Thank you

It's tougher because two kids are from my first marriage. They have already been through divorce. The other is my current wife's who grew up not knowing his dad. I am the first "dad" he has known.

Maybe... this has backfired on me before so I am reluctant.

Personally, I don't see the therapeutic benefit of turning one's childhood inside and out. I am more of a mindset to deal with the behaviors that are problematic NOW, and problem solve them. Your wife is triggering insecurity in you, and that's only natural because she seeks sexual flattery and attention from single men. To me, that doesn't have to do with childhood -- it's a natural reaction nearly almost anyone would have to this situation.

And the communication issues in your relationship are very real and problematic, and mainly on your wife's end of things. How is the therapist going to help you to problem solve those? By exploring your childhood?

But what do I know? I am not a therapist, though I almost became one and went to school for it.

Did I read it right that you’ve been only married 3 years? This should be a marital bliss not this turmoil. Maybe I read it wrong

Also did she dramatically change or was she this way when you dated? I’ve been only married 4 years myself and my husband is exact same person he was when we dated. Usually people don’t change that fast unless they are con artists and trick you on purpose

My therapist told me the other day that we can't force someone to learn, understand, and see things from our perspectives. Lets add to that list.. "We can't force someone to" empathize, be respectful, and reflect.. or how about rationalize, be kind, and be courteous. We can't "force". The only advice I was given was to come up with my own backup plan. What can "I" do about all this that's in my own means? Protect myself. I feel this advice could apply to you, too?

I feel you're stuck where you're at, particularly since you have children. It's not an easy decision to make, to be a single parent, let alone be one with three children. So I really do feel for you.

You're doing the best you can for yourself and your kids. The outlook does not seem very promising in this relationship. I'm not sure if working through your childhood would benefit the struggles you're having with your wife? It may give you clarity as to how you ended up with her in the first place. What does your therapist want you to do with this, in connection to your wife?

Exploring your childhood is important when you need to understand why you attract certain people etc At this point there isn’t much you can do about it.

Sometimes analyzing ones childhood becomes beating a dead horse and cop out. “Had a bad childhood. Can’t have a good life. Still feel like a 2 year old at 80. I am helpless”. Some therapists like to focus on that too because its much easier than focusing on helping clients improve their current life.

Sure many people had less than stellar childhoods, but what do you do with that information further? That what matters. What’s next?

Yup agree with a previous poster. Can’t force anyone to do anything

Yes, that, AND, while it may be helpful to know where the insecurities come from because of one's childhood, the fact of the matter is, your wife is triggering your insecurities. My husband is triggering mine by what he said about preferring dark haired women when I don't have dark hair. I already have some of my own insecurities, and his comment triggers me into a deep feeling of being "less than" and not as appealing to him as other women are. So, for me it doesn't matter that my father emotionally neglected me as a child and helped to create those insecurities -- what matters is that my spouse's behavior is making me feel badly about myself. That's a BIG problem.

Yes, but I can't change this person. I have, however, been able to lower my anxiety level significantly in reaction to her social behavior. I am trying to keep the peace for me and my children as best I can.

You are right about our communication issues. That is why I am stuck. I can't go any further with her until she changes. It makes me frustrated on most days and just sad on other days.

Thanks for your support!

She's always been this way. I was the fool who went ahead after seeing red flags. She has toned down some, but refuses to admit she has done anything wrong.

You're right -- you cannot change a person. You can only change your own behavior. But can also boundaries and limits for yourself around what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior and treatment.

I'm sorry you feel so stuck, frustrated and sad. It's. understandable. Any chance of couples therapy?

That's an impossible situation, which is what I initially faced with my husband. He refused to acknowledge that he has an anger/rage problem for the entire last year.

I saw the red flags too before I married, and I married anyways. I beat myself up over that fact for a long time. Then I came to a place of greater acceptance -- it is what it is, and I made the decision that I felt was right at the time of marriage. We have to forgive ourselves for getting ourselves into a less than ideal and hurtful situation. And we learn the hard way that red flags mean trouble ahead. But don't beat yourself up.... either the situation improves, OR if not, you will have a tough decision to make. I don't think or believe you truly want to feel miserable and unhappy in a marriage for the rest of your life. I know I do not.

Some days are harder than others. Right now I feel alone. We are going out of town tomorrow. I'm not even excited. I just don't want to make any waves. We are going with some friends so maybe I just hang out with the guy. I know he has issues with his wife but he's not much of a talker. Maybe we just hang out together.

I keep fantasizing that we go to couples therapy and I open up and the therapist mediates so she can't get mad at me. Then I get a chance to share all that she is putring me through and the therapist makes her listen and acknowledge her behavior.

Then I keep telling myself not to get my hopes up. Otherwise I will build a case against her in my head and drive myself crazy.

Thanks for validating my feelings. It's nice.

Depressed after Fathers day. Maybe just tired. Everyone was nice to me, but I just feel disconnected.