[DechanDawa]

Something strikes me odd about my adult son's social media and his girlfriend's social media. They hardly ever post pictures of themselves as a couple...or even separately...on each other's accounts.

They both have accounts for their businesses...but post personal stuff on the sites, too. He has a separate personal site which contains a few photos of her...and also a two photos of them together. But this is over several years. On her accounts...none of him! She has photos of her pets, and his pet, and her family and friends, and coworkers...but none of the guy she's been living with for several years.

I don't get it. I checked her Facebook page. No pictures of him. (He doesn't have Facebook)

When I met the love of my life...around the same age as they were when they met...it was before social media...but I took a lot of pictures of him and of us.It seemed natural and it was fun to take pictures of us doing stuff together.

These two have been together...four years...living together for three years...and if I counted the pictures of them together on all their social media sites...it would be less than...half a dozen photos. Their sites contain...together...probably thousands of photos...a lot work related but at least 20 per cent personal.

If I think about it I just feel so uneasy. I don't get why they aren't documenting their relationship in pictures...while documenting everything else.

[Open Eyes]

Well maybe they prefer to keep their relationship private Dechan. Some people are just private.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Well maybe they prefer to keep their relationship private Dechan. Some people are just private.

That would be very unusual in this era. I can't think of anyone who is private about their marriage or relationship...as the opposite is usually true. People like to share and feel comfortable sharing details of their private lives. Also, with his former girlfriends there were always tons of photographs. So he was never "private" in any other relationship. Events were documented...holidays, birthdays, trips, work events, milestones, parties. Just like everyone does when in a relationship.

No...this isn't his "normal."

As well...she isn't private about anything else...any other part of her life.


No...it is...off.

[divine1966]

never mind. I just saw the other thread and this post is irrelevant now

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by divine1966

never mind. I just saw the other thread and this post is irrelevant now

I just did some research out on the Internet. A guy felt bad because his girlfriend wouldn't post pictures of them. The consensus by the mostly male responders said she probably liked the attention on her social media from other males as she was younger than him and very pretty. Immature.

[sarahsweets]

I dont see anything wrong with not wanting to post pictures and stuff on social media. Some people are very private. I do not have any facebook friends that I do not actually know or would talk to on the phone. Facebook is slowly not a thing anymore. Most teens and milenials use instagram, tik tock or some other unknown platform. Most people view facebook at too public and keep the important stuff off of it

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I dont see anything wrong with not wanting to post pictures and stuff on social media. Some people are very private. I do not have any facebook friends that I do not actually know or would talk to on the phone. Facebook is slowly not a thing anymore. Most teens and milenials use instagram, tik tock or some other unknown platform. Most people view facebook at too public and keep the important stuff off of it

My son has two Instagram accounts, and she has one. I feel like I have explained the situation pretty clearly. It's not about Facebook vs Instagram. Not about private vs public. Okay, well I think I will just go hire Sherlock.

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

My son has two Instagram accounts, and she has one. I feel like I have explained the situation pretty clearly. It's not about Facebook vs Instagram. Not about private vs public. Okay, well I think I will just go hire Sherlock.

How old are they?

[divine1966]

I think Dechan suspects that her son isn’t happy (going by her other thread) and them not posting stuff about each other reenforces that belief. It could be true

But saying that it could be any other reason.

I am pretty much not on social media. My husband is on and off. We are very happily married and have zero issues, but I don’t always want him to put hundred pictures of me on social media. I am just not very comfortable with my face being there all the time and I am kind of vain about my looks. If I don’t think I look great that day I don’t want my picture there. He thinks the world wants to see his wife 24/7. So I often remind him to limit his postings of my face. Lol

of course we are older so that’s that but I am sure some young people are this way too. Not everyone wants their face there (one thing if it is your own account but if it’s on other peoples accounts who knows who is going to see it?) So I’d think lack of pictures is not an indication of happy relationship one way or the other.

It could be the other way too. People scream to the world “look at us” to create an illusion of a happy life when behind the closed doors who knows what’s going on

Social media isn’t real life and lots of it is fake

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I think Dechan suspects that her son isn’t happy (going by her other thread) and them not posting stuff about each other reenforces that belief. It could be true

But saying that it could be any other reason.

I am pretty much not on social media. My husband is on and off. We are very happily married and have zero issues, but I don’t always want him to put hundred pictures of me on social media. I am just not very comfortable with my face being there all the time and I am kind of vain about my looks. If I don’t think I look great that day I don’t want my picture there. He thinks the world wants to see his wife 24/7. So I often remind him to limit his postings of my face. Lol

of course we are older so that’s that but I am sure some young people are this way too. Not everyone wants their face there (one thing if it is your own account but if it’s on other peoples accounts who knows who is going to see it?) So I’d think lack of pictures is not an indication of happy relationship one way or the other.

It could be the other way too. People scream to the world “look at us” to create an illusion of a happy life when behind the closed doors who knows what’s going on

Social media isn’t real life and lots of it is fake

Okay, perhaps I will reconsider what everyone has said, and here too in the above comments, without needing to weave a narrative. I don't need to put clothes on top of this naked, fleeting sensation. Sometimes I can feel storm clouds brewing in my son's soul...but I certainly don't know the particulars...especially because he mostly communicates nonverbally.


As well I usually make it a policy to not attempt to figure out other people's relationships as I think it is intrusive. Because I am a Mom does not give me the right to do it with these two young people. I have to stop. I have no control. When my son was born I saw myself as his guardian, not his keeper. I will only say this is not the behavior I have observed in his previous relationships, but big deal.

Sherlock would tell me I haven't a clue. I don't think he would have accepted this case as there is "no crime," only familial concern. And Sherlock might add with a slight, arrogant smile, "And then there is love. And we all know love can be blind...even a mother's love"

[divine1966]

Mother’s love is nothing like anything else, right? I always sense when something is up with my daughter way before she spells it out. You might be on to something but like you said we have no control over it and that’s sometimes the hardest part of parenting, not always be able to help and make it great for them

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Mother’s love is nothing like anything else, right? I always sense when something is up with my daughter way before she spells it out. You might be on to something but like you said we have no control over it and that’s sometimes the hardest part of parenting, not always be able to help and make it great for them

They need to struggle to grow...but not so much that it breaks them.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

They need to struggle to grow...but not so much that it breaks them.

They will be fine but moms want to jump to the rescue 😊❤️

[TishaBuv]

A picture’s worth 1000 words. Lack of pictures speak too.

You’re probably on to something in your thoughts. But, you’d be best off not rocking any boats. (This comes from me, a mother who had a war with my son and his bride )

[divine1966]

With my daughter I know things are iffy if she doesn’t talk
about the person or talks very little.

She is engaged and he is great and she talks about him all the time, she is a widow (young I know and she talked about her late husband when he was still with us all the time too. But she had not so good but thankfully brief relationship in between and she barely talked about him until she’d finally say that it isn’t working. But I knew something was off right away, she’d say very little about him or them together.

We all know how our kids operate. If it’s not how he typically operates, it might as well be a sign. I said I don’t want too much shared out there, but I am same way with everyone.

I wish your son success with his business!

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by divine1966

With my daughter I know things are iffy if she doesn’t talk
about the person or talks very little.

She is engaged and he is great and she talks about him all the time, she is a widow (young I know and she talked about her late husband when he was still with us all the time too. But she had not so good but thankfully brief relationship in between and she barely talked about him until she’d finally say that it isn’t working. But I knew something was off right away, she’d say very little about him or them together.

We all know how our kids operate. If it’s not how he typically operates, it might as well be a sign. I said I don’t want too much shared out there, but I am same way with everyone.

I wish your son success with his business!

Thanks, wow what a story...your daughter has really been through the changes. I know a girl who was windowed very young with babies. She just got married again this year at age 59! It was good your daughter found love again sooner. How is their health?'

My son is suffering because of business slowing to a trickle. He likes to keep busy with big, complex projects. He doesn't do idle well.

He hardly talks about this girlfriend. Warning bells? Maybe. It always made me feel uneasy. Whatever will be will be.

As long as they are all healthy they can move into the future. Did your daughter and her guy get officially diagnosed? How are they?

[divine1966]

Thanks Deshawn. They are well. They sat home for 2 weeks. They got better and now they are ok. They were told they would only be tested if they won’t get better in 7 days and will have to be hospitalized. But they got better. They think they had covid 100% because they had every single symptom. He was worse than her.

My daughter is young, she is 32, she got married at 26 and he died in a car crash 2 and a half years later. They didn’t have time to have children yet. They were together total of about 5 years. It was tough as there was no closure and no good byes. Tough times.

Yeah she dated someone not so great in between but it wasn’t long. He was kind of self absorbed plus he all of a sudden announced he doesn’t ever want children, she was done right away because she wants that option and he didn’t disclose it to her. Anyways that was over quick. So she is marrying this guy a little over 4 years after her late husband died. I think it’s long enough to be ready. She did intense bereavement therapy and it was very helpful. I love my future son in law, he is an excellent choice and I know my late son in law would approve! He’d be happy for her.

Your son sounds very ambitious, good for him. Yeah him not talking could be a sign. But then again some guys don’t talk about relationships to their parents or anyone. My brother is that way and one of the nephews. Wouldn’t talk about this kind of stuff. Have to drag it out of them

Like you said before, men aren’t really cramped for time. Your son might wait till 40 to marry and 45 to have kids. Plus he is busy with business, that takes a lot!!!

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Thanks Deshawn. They are well. They sat home for 2 weeks. They got better and now they are ok. They were told they would only be tested if they won’t get better in 7 days and will have to be hospitalized. But they got better. They think they had covid 100% because they had every single symptom. He was worse than her.

My daughter is young, she is 32, she got married at 26 and he died in a car crash 2 and a half years later. They didn’t have time to have children yet. They were together total of about 5 years. It was tough as there was no closure and no good byes. Tough times.

Yeah she dated someone not so great in between but it wasn’t long. He was kind of self absorbed plus he all of a sudden announced he doesn’t ever want children, she was done right away because she wants that option and he didn’t disclose it to her. Anyways that was over quick. So she is marrying this guy a little over 4 years after her late husband died. I think it’s long enough to be ready. She did intense bereavement therapy and it was very helpful. I love my future son in law, he is an excellent choice and I know my late son in law would approve! He’d be happy for her.

Your son sounds very ambitious, good for him. Yeah him not talking could be a sign. But then again some guys don’t talk about relationships to their parents or anyone. My brother is that way and one of the nephews. Wouldn’t talk about this kind of stuff. Have to drag it out of them

Like you said before, men aren’t really cramped for time. Your son might wait till 40 to marry and 45 to have kids. Plus he is busy with business, that takes a lot!!!

Yeah, when you said one of them lost their sense of smell...warning bells, right? So now they are the immunes!


That's awful what happened to your daughter. Awful. I married at 26 and if that had happened to me...I just cannot imagine. Sure, four years is plenty. She is young. It is such great joy she found someone. Good for her. She is young but has lived through a lot. Hmm. Life does give us challenges.

My son talked about his other girlfriends a lot. They had interesting families and he would stay with their families. He always brought his girlfriends for visits...once they even stayed for a summer. What I see is that with the others they did a lot together...travel, camping, art projects, family holidays etc. In this case, however, they are both only children...so there are no siblings. If I lived closer I might have an understanding of what is going on. In fact it has become kind of an obsession to move across the country and live near them.

Okay...I want to say positive stuff. When I visited they were both very sweet, just busy. She was always running out to work but she would always come and hug me before she left which I thought was very sweet.


If could be they are just two quirky goofballs who are also intense workers. It could be she was shy when I visited. They are artistic and can be introverted. Maybe a couple like this are in their own little orbit. I have known couples like this...with no children...they build their own world. Her mother just had heart surgery so she is sick with worry. I only know this because I pried my son for details.

[rechu]

This may sound a bit harsh, but it seems like you are spending way too much time obsessing about his relationship. He's an adult and doesn't need you to approve his choices about his partner or having children. I think you need to work on accepting this. I say this as someone whose mother made it clear she did not approve of my decision not to have children or my husband (who doesn't want children either). All her attitude did was to further drive a wedge between us.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by rechu

This may sound a bit harsh, but it seems like you are spending way too much time obsessing about his relationship. He's an adult and doesn't need you to approve his choices about his partner or having children. I think you need to work on accepting this. I say this as someone whose mother made it clear she did not approve of my decision not to have children or my husband (who doesn't want children either). All her attitude did was to further drive a wedge between us.

So much projection on your part. I really don't need you to tell me what I need to work on. I never said I approved or disapproved of their decision. That would be judgmental and controlling. I am just wondering if they are on the same page. My son seemed unhappy and I am wondering why.

In my state we have been on lock down for almost a month. I live alone and haven't left my apartment except for two trips to the supermarket. Pretty much everything I am doing now is rather obsessive.

If you allowed your mother to drive a wedge between yourself and your partner perhaps you might consider working on boundary setting. You see, something like you described would never happen with my son and I. He knows how to hold firm his personal boundaries.


Part of the fun of being a mother is worrying about your kids. You kind of spoiled the fun I was having with the other moms on this thread.

[TishaBuv]

I don’t see anything wrong with voicing a concern here and getting support from others.

[divine1966]

Dechan was sharing on here. She wasn’t calling her son and telling him to dump this girl or that she doesn’t approve of his choice.

There is nothing wrong for mothers to have thoughts or concerns about their children and share on anonymous forums. She isn’t violating her sons privacy or boundaries by sharing on here. I don’t see the issue here

[MsLady]

I also heard if you post a lot of photos and loving quotes about your significant other, it's a sign that there's trouble in the relationship and are overcompensating for it on social media.

Maybe because she sees him every day, there's no need to plaster his photos of him? If he doesn't have a FB account, he may not feel comfortable in having his photos up on social media.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by MsLady

I also heard if you post a lot of photos and loving quotes about your significant other, it's a sign that there's trouble in the relationship and are overcompensating for it on social media.

Maybe because she sees him every day, there's no need to plaster his photos of him? If he doesn't have a FB account, he may not feel comfortable in having his photos up on social media.

Think he got burned out because his last girlfriend posted a lot of their photos on Facebook. To her credit she was an excellent photographer and I always liked looking at her photos. But after they broke up her family kept posting on his Facebook page and he felt awkward about that so he cancelled Facebook and went over to Instagram, where his Instagram account is mostly for his business.


That's interesting what you said about overcompensating by posting a lot of photos. My undergraduate degree is in journalistic photography...and in one course we looked at family photo albums...you know, one kid would be in all the photos...and another kid would hardly be represented. So I think there is some meaning in what we post...and what we don't post.

[DechanDawa]

My son sent a message to the "Mom's Club." He said, "Thank you for your care and concern." Of course I told him about my Psych Central Mom's Club. (Includes Open Eyes who isn't on this thread, I don't think.)

My son said he is mainly concerned about his business at this time...and is very focused...and doesn't have much energy for anything else. Understandable.

As far as why he and his partner don't post pictures. I think it may be as simple as...they are both just really busy building their businesses.