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Old May 14, 2020, 08:17 AM
researcher81 researcher81 is offline
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I have a step-son who is 13 yo - who I've had since he was 5, so I raised him just like two of my younger biological daughters. I have never called him a "step-son" (unless I had to explain or asked straight up if he was my biological son). In my mind and to all around me: I have three kids and he is my son.

Up until a couple of years ago, everything was picture-perfect. We had a great relationship, but in the last little while I've developed a lot of negative feelings toward him, which I'm not sure how to understand or even explain.

He is 13 and going through all kinds of pre-teen stuff (attitude, doing things in spite, testing me, you name it - I guess they are all typical of that age). But when he does things that hurt his sisters' feelings that just puts me over the edge and I get extremely defensive of them. Sometimes I think I even overreact and say hurtful things to him, things that I wouldn't consider saying to my biological kids.

My declining relationship and lack of communication and my reaction to the way he talks with me (with a lot of attitude) is starting to hurt my marriage because my husband always takes his side. I don't want to be in a position where we even have to take sides. I want to be a wholesome family and stop feeling resentment toward him. Is it possible? How can I stop feeling what I'm feeling and see past his attitude? I genuinely want to love him the way I love my biological kids, but his attitude and manner of communicating with me doesn't always allow me to feel this way.
Hugs from:
Bill3

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  #2  
Old May 15, 2020, 01:05 AM
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sarahsweets sarahsweets is offline
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When you say his age makes him test you and spite you are you able to share a little more detail?
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  #3  
Old May 15, 2020, 08:59 PM
Bill3 Bill3 is offline
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I appreciate very much that you don't blame or stigmatize him but rather see him as doing typical 13-year-old stuff.

Two things occur to me:

If you think you have overreacted and/or have been hurtful, have you given him genuine apologies? If not, I suggest that you always make it a point to apologize to him, when people are calm.

If you apologize, don't try to explain or in any way try to justify why you said what you said--just apologize for saying it. I think kids learn to respect adults who give genuine apologies.

Have you been able to discuss with your husband that he always takes the boy's side? I agree that one wants there to be just one team. If the two of you cannot come to a mutually trustful understanding, what would you think of couples counseling to help reach one?
Thanks for this!
Iloivar
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