Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

That BMI is just a general guideline, many medical professionals don’t consider it to be set in stone anymore. Plus it’s not taking in consideration age component. I’d consult with your doctor re what’s healthy weight for you

But I totally understand wanting to be certain weight regardless what the guidelines say.

Yeah I mean what matters to me is that my clothes fit, and that I feel good about myself and how I look. Right now I’m not happy with how I look. My face and arms are carrying extra weight and I don’t look the same at all. I’ve looked at old pictures vs now. I look far different. I hate feeling this way and if I keep this up I’ll gain another ten pounds.

I hear you as we get older if we don’t watch what we eat, we will gain easily as metabolism slows down. Mine went down hill when I hit menopause. Drastic, immediate change.

I just don’t want you to be unrealistic and too idealistic about how you expect yourself to look as you approach 50s. I am sure you present yourself well and it’s just as important as being thin.

Having said that, of course you should be in charge of her own food intake. Your husband shouldn’t have a say in what you eat. You deserve to be happy with your life: your job, your marriage and your looks. Change what you can change and accept what you cannot change. Some things we can’t change like we will never look 30 no matter if we remain skinny or not

It’s been hard to keep weight off during pandemics. Sitting home and gyms are closed and up until now it’s been too cold to work out outside. I think we all gain weight now

I agree fully. I will work on the things I do have control over:: what I eat and how much I eat; my job... I can get another; my husband.. I can tell him what I need and want, which I feel is important to do in relationships. He’s being much better since I told him I was angry that he is of no help with my diet.

Yes aging sucks and I know my metabolism has changed. But my goal is to put on my bikinis this summer at some point and to feel good about how I look, regardless. I’m getting up the determination to lose this damned weight. Only just a few years ago I still looked great for my age. I want to feel that way again.

We’ve been calling it the Covid 19 (as in gained 19 pounds! )

I think when we first get married and feel settled down, it’s typical to get relaxed with eating unhealthy foods; like we’re on a long honeymoon. I know hy husband put on a little weight right away from my cooking vs his barely eating while single. It could also be partly the reasons mentioned earlier, he wants you to not be so attractive to other men or he just wants a buddy to eat with because it’s more fun.

Well this has been an ongoing issue since we’ve been living together. I’ve tried to lose weight for a long time now, for a year and a half, and he’s been encouraging me to eat bad foods instead of following my diet and actually losing the weight. It’s been a huge source of frustration and upset for me.

You guys have a few big issues.

I had sort of a reverse attitude with my husband, maybe not so healthy either. He liked it when I’d look hot, even get looks from other men. He’d make derogatory comments about heavy women in all the time I know him.

Now I’ve gotten heavy; maybe meds or just age. He says he’s okay with it. I don’t feel good about it.

Having willpower to not eat the bad foods is very hard for me, too. Be strong!

We do have some big issues.

Thing is, he’s made comments about heavier women not looking attractive so that also makes me think it’s so I’m less attractive to other men.

Ive gotten the sense that he’s very insecure.

@TishaBuv, you brought up a good point, which is we do have some big issues at play.

So here is where I am at today:

I am navigating my way through my feelings towards him, and my feelings about each of these issues. The questions I have right now are: can each of these issues be improved upon and controlled? He can certainly control his anger, and that will be up to him to determine. He can also control how he responds to my dieting needs and my wishes around foods we eat, which has been better today. And he can have sex with me more frequently, which is what I asked of him. All of these things can be improved upon. In the meantime, I am trying to figure out how I feel about him in general. Some days I feel I truly love him still, and on other days, I feel like it's waning.

I am also grappling with my own idealistic way of thinking that everything needs to be perfect, when life itself is not perfect. I recall @divine1966 telling me/us that her own wedding was far from perfect. But mine was far from perfect because of HIM and how he was treating me, not because of circumstances, which is far different.

I went into this marriage with doubts and thought I was making a mistake, after we had just had a HUGE blowout fight only days before the wedding. I didn't want to back out last minute for a number of reasons that were very valid to me at the time, and still are very valid in my mind.

But that is no way to start out in a marriage: with doubts. I know many people may have doubts, but perhaps not about how you're going to be treated in the marriage and relationship.

So I am sitting with my feelings. I am not going to make any rash decisions... I am muddling through to see how I feel in general and to see if things improve at all. It's difficult to walk through each day though having these doubts floating around in my head.... the doubts being about whether things will improve or not and about how I feel.

This is not easy.

Next weekend I will visit with a somewhat new-ish girlfriend of mine who is far older, wiser and mature -- she is very lovely and a most beautiful person on the inside and outside. I love her spirit, I love her wisdom and I love everything about who she is. She married and divorced an abusive man, and has a lot of great bits of wisdom to share. She has been a great source of support for me over the last year. So we're going to hang out next weekend for the first time just the two of us. I'm really looking forward to being able to talk more with her about all that is going on. She helps to provide clarity for me, and supports me either way, if I decide to stay or leave.

I'm also waiting out this pandemic. We both have depression and anxiety issues. There was stress because of his work situation and the pandemic. Things were good only just a few months ago and I felt comfortable and happy. This could be a phase. Though there are real issues at play that must be improved upon.

Hm maybe I didn’t explain myself well. I think my wedding was just perfect. It was a lot of fun, it was just two of us eloping in a hilariously trashy town in a neighbor state with pot heads in a court room clapping to us. (Woman in elevator in court asked us if are from out of state, we asked how she knew and she said because we are dressed up -not white dress but still kind of festive and people in their town never dress up lol lol lol ).

We have absolutely hilarious memories of it. We didn’t want big wedding or getting people from out of town or out of a country (and they would have to travel again for month later for my nephew), we already had big weddings many years ago and we raised children and didn’t want to have big to do at 50. It was easy as that state requires no witnesses and no applications. You come as you are snd get married. We liked it!

We don’t care about second weddings, we put our money into going on a honeymoon right from there. Also my nephew had a huge wedding like right after us getting married and we fell it was wrong to steal the thunder.

I don’t think weddings matter. I mean it’s nice when you are young and start family but i won’t measure success of a marriage by success of a wedding. I’ve been to some lavish weddings and people were divorced in a year. I seriously think it doesn’t matter at all. Like no significance. It matters how you two live together after it.

Oh ok... I see. I guess I misunderstood. My apologies. Glad you have some hilarious memories! It certainly sounds pretty memorable.

When I look at my own wedding pictures, I look at them with fondness and I see true happiness on my face, despite us fighting on the morning of the wedding. We both look happy. I didn't know yet what was to follow.

And I wonder if in part I was happy to finally be getting married because it's what I had wanted all of my adult years (in secret). I waited until late forties to marry. But I genuinely look happy. and as I recall, I did feel happy.

Our honeymoon was a mixed bag. Some wonderful moments and some not so wonderful moments. It was mainly just relaxing, with a lot of pampering. Not a lot of sex though, even on our honeymoon, which concerned me greatly.

I am glad to hear about you meeting up with a friend. It sounds wonderful

I always had doubts in every relationship and was always one foot out. Before and during, sometimes on and off but it typically would start early on in a relationship. I always planned my exit pretty much before I even made an entrance.

I think I shared some goofy stuff like we lost power a night before and still didn’t have it a day of the wedding. I couldn’t do my hair and I had to put make up in a car. And it was 90 degrees out. Those are funny things to remember. The whole day was like this. We didn’t anticipate it to be fancy and just wanted marriage certificate

I don’t know about sex... The most sex I ever had was in the worst relationships I had. Honestly. I don’t put much weight on amount of sex honestly. But everyone has different expectations and needs. We were very busy on our honeymoon, it was a city vacation, not tropics or resorts. We weren’t in a hotel enough to have much sex plus I hate to do it in hotel rooms lol lol I didn’t give it much thought

I hate to admit this, but I used to cling to relationships like a lifeline. I looked to relationships for my happiness for many years because I was very unhappy in my life. Even when it was dysfunctional, I clung to it. Then I learned to find my own happiness and I stopped clinging and looking to relationships to fulfill what was missing.

I hate admitting this, but it's helped me to grow into who I am now.

Those are funny things. lol.

You know, you make a good point about the sex. I am a pretty sexual person. but I don't require it every day -- 1-2 times per week would satisfy me well enough. We only had sex on our wedding night. That was it.

Oh yeah I would stay too long In relationships too! You aren’t alone in this. But I still deep inside wanted out. Because I knew they weren’t right people for me. You don’t have doubts when it’s right. Having doubts and wanting out was my guts speaking to me. I didn’t always listen

And that's what I am afraid of right now. Is my gut telling me to get out and leave? It's what I have been struggling with over the last couple of days.

Do your pros outweigh your cons?

I don’t know. I’d have to seriously think that through.