Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

It is emotional blackmail when someone makes you suffer emotionally if you don't do what they want you to do.

If this term is new to you then perhaps read a bit about it.

What I meant if people really need something they can finance it. HE wants a couch, he needs to finance a couch.

He can't without good credit. It has to be with my credit and in my name. That's what bankruptcy does to a person.

It's not a new term to me.

I understand bankruptsy.

What I am saying if he can’t buy or finance it, there will be no couch. Also how long ago did he have bankruptsy?

My husband had it when he was married and his ex refused to get a job and his income couldn’t cover 4 of them. It clears out within few years.

Until it clears out you live within your means. Your husband wants to live above his means with his parents, his first wife, then his second wife footing his bills. It shouldn’t be happening. Say no. Don’t cave. He has to live within his means

Yep -- that's what I say too. If he cannot afford to buy a couch himself, I am not financing it and I am not putting it on a credit card either.

Trust me -- I've been putting down my foot a LOT to help him live within his means/our means.

He filed for bankruptcy nearly two years ago I think.

Oh it’s very recent. Usually it clears out in about 7 years. So he filed bankruptcy after he met you? It’s weird he wants to keep buying expensive stuff and keeps owing money. Usually after bankruptcy people are really scared of this kind of stuff.

Good for you putting your foot down. Be strong

Thanks, Divine.

He resents that his family lost millions of dollars which he would have inherited. He resents not making a ton of money himself and feels he does not measure up to his father or brothers in terms of wealth and success.

So he wants to live his life as though he is still wealthy and as though he still has the means. He used to live a very wealthy lifestyle til the age of 32, and even beyond, because his ex wife made tons of money. He has expensive tastes, as do I, and he enjoys the finer things in life, as do I. But I know how to budget and am frugal; he is not.

This is what I grapple with. He is slowly learning how to be better and has improved over the last year with my help. But it's a source of contention for me and it's a struggle getting him to come around to see my viewpoint.

He just told me he misses me, while he is at work. He often says this...... these are the kinds of things that make my heart melt, and which make it so hard to make the decision to leave him.

I suppose all the big issues I have with him can ALL be worked on, improved and/or resolved, and perhaps with couples counseling to help (down the road when it comes to that point). The issue that is out of my hands are all his physical ailments. He needs to see a doctor about many of the issues he has. At least he is getting his back worked on.

I like nice things. I often worked two jobs so I can afford nice things, with my own wallet. So I get it.

But he wants to have caviar and champagne on malt liquor budget and wants somebody else, a woman, to finance his life style. He is old enough to know that it’s not a noble thing to do. He is lucky he found two women to do it for him. Keep putting your foot down though. And maybe talk to financial advisor or a lawyer. If things go wrong, he’ll take half of your retirement investments/401k. You would take half of his but if he has none, then you are screwed. I’d start discussing his plans for old age. He has 20 years until SS age. Needs to start thinking

Please be mindful re financial situation. I know you are but when love blinds us we don’t always see things clearly. Just keep being strong

With his health there is not much you can do except encourage him to see a doctor. Health problems are not deal breakers for me if I knew about them ahead of time during dating and the person takes care of it or health problems unexpectedly developed during marriage and couldn’t be prevented.

He's a big child. That's what I see and that's what I've learned. He refuses to just accept things as they are, to grow up and realize that his inheritance is GONE and that he has to rely on himself. I have zero retirement money, so if we divorced, he cannot take anything from 401. I would get a good lawyer.

I am having a horrific day. Today is not a good day.

Hang in there. Just be mindful and you’ll be ok

Thanks @divine1966.

I am really struggling today. I am ANGRY. I am a God believing person (or was!). Before I met my husband, I said and prayed to God: "please send me the man who will marry me -- you know what I need".

And the very next man I met was my soon to be husband, who lo and behold chased me, wooed me like crazy and wanted to marry me.

And look what it turned out to be. This is NOT what I wanted or needed. I am sooo angry and confused. I feel God is cruel. I don't think I want to believe anymore in God or even pray anymore. This is total BS.

I should have listened to my own gut reactions in the beginning. I should not have trusted or believed that God actually sent me the right man to marry. I was sooooo stupid and naive.

I should always listen to myself foremost. I used to and stopped doing this as of late. Another stupid freaking mistake. I was better off in life when I followed my own gut and what my gut told me and what my heart and mind always told me to do.

And I am angry at my parents for kicking me out two years ago, placing me in a most desperate situation. Had they been more lenient, I never would have moved in with him soooo fast and I probably would not be in the bind I am in today.

Screw everything. I am fed up with life overall. I've had it.

I would talk to a lawyer if I were you.

The longer you are together, the better his chances of getting alimony from you due to his health and limited earning potential as a result.

The fact that he kept a serious health issue from you will be to your benefit if the marriage is short term.

I'm not saying rush out and get a divorce, just educate yourself on what your liabilities could be. Often, the first consultation with a lawyer is free.

Thank you.

I think I may call a lawyer next week. I'm not saying I've made a decision, but like you said, I should educate myself.

My best and closest girlfriend just told me that I don't love him enough to want to work through these issues.

I don't know what to think. I have to think for myself. I have to figure this out on my own.

And to top it off, I just got rejected for a job I was excited about. And I made a big mistake at work today. It may go unnoticed, not sure yet.

Today has just been an all around awful day.

Thanks Bill.

Oh dang. Sorry. That’s a tough time with a new job. There will be another one.

Your friend is off base. What’s love got to do with it. She made it sound like you were married for 25 years and person unexpectedly got sick or lost their job and you are being selfish not willing to help him with it. It’s somebody you literally just got together two years ago and you have concerns about your future with the person. It’s not like you adopted a baby and took up an obligation to raise him. You can love people and still not be a doormat, be realistic and consider all options. Maybe I am just not that nice of a person but this is unrealistic in my books.

Consulting with a lawyer is always a good idea in all situations, even the most wonderful ones.

I feel like I have added to your worries with my post about alimony.
I just did a quick look, and it looks like alimony is usually only awarded for marriages lasting longer than 5 years, although the judge can consider other factors.
I wish I had looked this up before posting.
My apologies.

So sorry you didn't get the job you were so excited about. That is a bummer.

I thought it was 10.

I agree. You started a relationship with someone who had just declared bankruptcy and it's been an uphill battle throughout. BE selfish. It's unfortunate that it's come down to this, yes, but you don't need to invest any more years into this. Two years of bs is NOT WORTH IT.

As for your God, comment. You received what you wanted. God gave you what you needed. It's a learning curve for you and we're always handed things we need to experience in order to have some personal growth.

Big hugs your way!!

Bankruptcy isn’t a red flag for me because sometimes that’s what people need to learn to live within their means and/or push for a better paid job etc For me personally it’s not a deal breaker if some positive lesson came out of it. Surviving bankruptcy could be life changing humbling experience. If that’s how person emerged from their bankruptcy experience, it wouldn’t stop me from being with them.