Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

He takes it seriously enough to have agreed to see a counselor if it happens again.

And again, I may decide to just leave him instead. I do not know yet.

Sounds like he's playing with fire. He's agreed to seeing a counselor IF it happens again. By then, if you're committing to your word, he'd need a counselor to support him through the divorce. Too little too late. I wonder if he'd be open to seeing a counselor NOW to help prevent it from happening again. If this is ADHD related, it's a reason, not an excuse, and a counselor or psychiatrist can help him with his impulsivities since it's clearly damaging his marriage.

Yeah, I mean, you make a good point for certain. I just don't even know anymore. I feel overwhelmed by everything..... the issues I face with him, what I am doing and how I am proceeding, my therapy is overwhelming me.. I am working full time in a very stressful job, trying to find another one... the pandemic is ongoing and problematic. I'm not having an easy time right now. It's all just very challenging. I don't know what I wish to do right now. And when I don't know, that's when I don't think I should do anything until I know for sure. TY.

I wonder what are his explosions about? Is it always about money? Him wanting you to spend on him and you not budging or him taking it without permission and you daring to question it? Those were some examples, all money related.

Or is it sometimes something else? What things are pushing him over the edge?

So I’d say whatever that is needs to be worked on, but now, not when he explodes next time. Maybe instead of addressing his explosions, you need to address what causes those explosions

The last time it happened, was over a HAIRBRUSH and me asking why he was TELLING me he is taking it for the day, rather than ASKING me if he could, since it's MINE.

On our wedding day, it was because I asked him "are you ok?" He blew up because I asked him that. We had been uncertain about things just days before the wedding.

Just before the wedding, it was because he wanted a $300 pair of pants and i asked if I could instead buy him $150 pair of pants, which was going ON MY CREDIT CARD AS A GIFT. He blew up.

It's a seemingly small thing, but it has sometimes to do with me questioning him.

Him being questioned and you aren’t automatically accepting whatever he wants is causing him to blow up then. Not just the money then.

I find interesting that he is the one doing something wrong and you understandably are questioning it. Yet HE explodes. I’d think YOU would be the one to explode when he demands 300 pants or takes your stuff etc. So it looks like as long as you give him what he wants and don’t ever question him, things are peaceful. Its an interesting dynamics. He sounds like my dad a bit except monetary issues, he’d never ask women for money, but he’d get grumpy if someone question him about him possibly being wrong. He doesn’t think he can do anything wrong. Well it’s not an issue in old age anymore actually but it used to be bothersome.

I wish your husband did see someone together or separate to address all this and get to the bottom of it. I doubt it will change unless he makes true effort

Yes, he cannot be wrong, and he blows up if I even make it seem that way. And he used to be very defensive when I would point out things that bugged me, but he's gotten better.

I think he may even have some narcissistic traits in him.

And I wish he would too. It's several issues he has.

Tonight he picked me up to go get dinner (out). As I was sitting waiting forever for him to make up his mind (because he cannot), I was thinking to myself "my heart isn't in this right now." That feeling made me MOST SAD.

But it's how I was feeling. Then he made me laugh really hard, and I was like, well, maybe..... He does make me laugh every single night.

This is all a moot point.

I cannot move out even if I wanted to right now. I don't have 5K in savings that is needed to move. I added up all my personal expenses, and for where I live in the country (one of the most expensive cities to live in), I could JUST afford a one-bedroom apartment, but I would be scraping by and not saving ANY money. In order to save money or have ANY extra funds, I would have to get a roommate, but at my age, that is really not what I want or need. I cannot even imagine having a stranger as a roommate. I will not and cannot live with my parents again, so that's NOT an option. And I do not have a good friend who would want a roommate, not as far as I am aware. I would also just want to be on my own. I really need a Director level job in order to accomplish all of these goals, IF I were to move out on my own. We're in the middle of a pandemic, with thousands/millions of people flooding the job market, which makes the competition very fierce.

I have thought this through thoroughly, and that's what is happening. I need a higher level salary, and I have to just be patient.

This doesn't mean that my mind is made up either way. I was just thinking through the scenario of possibly having to leave him, and this is what I realized. It's a stark reality I am facing.

This month I am getting my annual review, which includes a raise. Last year, I got a 3.5% raise, which was about average. I hope at the very least, I get the same amount this year. It's at the end of this month.

Two days ago you seemed fairly positive avout your relationship. Now you are worrying about the surrounding issues in your life. I think maybe focusing on the positive might help. You said you were sad on your date, but he tried to make you laugh. Maybe now is the time to stand up and ask him to get some help. Try to make it a postive. Don't say you need to get help or I'm out of here. Tell him you love him and want things to be even better than they are. Explain that couples therapy helps people grow together. Say it will take your relationship to the next level. (Better sex, maybe!) If he gets upset and feels threatened, give him a day to cool off and keep smiling. Maybe he will see that you are just trying to help.

Thanks for the words of advice, guy... I appreciate it.

I am very up and down right now. It is just the nature of things at the moment.

One day I feel fine and OK, and the next, I am down in the dumps about everything.

I don't know about pushing therapy right now. I just do not know. Our agreement was that we would go to therapy IF he loses his temper on me again. I feel like I have to stick to that plan and stick to my word on that. If I backtrack, it will muddy things and will force me to verbalize to him the issues I have in our marriage, and I am not ready to face that yet with him. I am just not ready.

I need time. I am processing everything happening in my mind and on my own, and I have new thoughts and emotions every single day.

Could you move to a county next over? I understand that living in higher cost of living area eats at your finances. My area isn’t that high cost but I always had to live in expensive cities because of my daughter’s school. If you aren’t tied to best schools could you move a bit further?

I moved a lot and it never cost me 5k. Why is it going to cost you so much? It’s just moving one apartment to another. You pack your stuff and pay movers to move heavy items and no way it costs 5k.

There are many single people out there. I was single most of my life and never ever had a roommate and never lived with my parents beyond age 19. And I am not and never made that much money, my job doesn’t pay that much. I am hard to live with and I’d not tolerate roommates. At times I took second jobs. It wasn’t always easy but you can manage especially with nice salary. If you make nice money you should be ok. I am not saying you should be on your own and get divorced but financial reason is usually wrong reason to be married. I know a lot of single people. Most my girlfriends are single and several have never been married and they never ever had a roommate beyond maybe in their 20s. Who wants roommates at 50.

I am just not grasping something I guess. How did you live before you met him?

Because here where I live, apartment owners require first month's rent, last month's rent plus full security deposit which equals one month's rent. So that's THREE months rent UPFRONT required. PLUS moving expense.. I would be required to hire a mover due to large furniture and the amount of furniture. So all of that combined equals about 5K! OR MORE! It's insane! And rarely does one find an apartment that does not require all of these upfront costs... usually, those places are shacks and dumps.

I have always been independent, aside from the time period where I had to live with my parents. Prior to a certain age, I lived with roommates. Then I lived on my own for about 15 years or more.

You have to understand that I live in one of the TOP most expensive cities in the entire country.

And no , I need to be close to my work, or within a reasonable driving distance. I also need to be close enough to my social life.

I give up. I'm just going to go with the flow of things. That's where I'm at.

However, once again, I am getting myself into a tailspin over his dark haired, dark eyes women comment long ago. He said at one point that he prefers dark haired women with dark eyes. I have light brown/dirty blonde hair, with blonde highlights and dark eyes. I am not "dark haired". EVER SINCE THEN, I have felt SO insecure about his attraction level to me, fearing that he is MORE attracted to other female types with darker hair than mine.

I hate that he said that to me. WHY would he say that to me, is my question, when he knows I do NOT have dark hair????????? I feel like he wanted me to feel insecure and "less than" what he truly desires. WHY else say something like that to me???? Who the hell says this kind of thing?

This issue creeps up now and again for me, and it has again just now. And I'm working myself up into being upset about it, all over again.

I am never going to get over this. I am never going to feel comfortable because he said this. I feel like this is yet another reason to freaking divorce him.

What would you think of discussing his comment with him?

I have many many times. He claims that he thinks of me as dark haired, which I find really really hard to believe. Then he tries to tell me that he loves me and only me.

The damage is already done though. He never should have said that to me, and I really wish I had responded back with "well my preference is dark hair and blue eyes" (when he has dark hair and brown eyes), and that means you'll never measure up to my ideal. Which is exactly how he's made me feel.

Does he tend to say things without thinking? Some people run their mouth so to speak and it doesn’t mean anything.

Otherwise this is just immature and superficial. But honestly it might not be very uncommon. It is maybe done to make a woman feel unsettled and unsure of herself. I’ve met guys who did that, mostly in younger age

Once many years ago I think I was like 19 I’ve met this guy at someone’s wedding, we weren’t even dating although he kept asking me out. He said he didn’t like my name because it’s too common (it’s a common popular name in the area I am from) and he prefers exotic names and he had an example of a name Eleanor or something. Somehow I found it so funny I left so hard I couldn’t stop. He didn’t understand why I declined his romantic advances after that. My best friend and I joked about it for years calling each other Eleanor.

I once had a guy saying he doesn’t like short girls. Well I am short. Lol

One time one guy in high school who claimed to like me said he prefers girls with long necks (mine is average). What the...when I asked why would he say that he said he wanted me to feel jealous that he might like other girls. Lol Like I cared.

I hope your husband is just the type to blurt things out, not deliberately make you feel unsettled

If he told you he prefers women with different color hair, what do you think he was trying to tell you? He married you, so he obviously is into you.

You think he was trying to make you feel insecure, but when you confront him, he says he thought you had dark hair (so he was saying he liked you and your type). Was he demeaning and then gaslighting you? Is it possible he thought your hair was dark? (Men sometimes aren’t that astute about hair).

I’ve had guys who were not interested in me tell me they like other women or types of women. I had one Hispanic man I dated ask me to darken my hair because he preferred that type and he was very interested in me.

I have no conclusion I can draw from your situation on this. You feel so belittled, but he married you, so I’m not sure what he meant.

Could it be that it was his way of saying he liked you to dye your hair. Could it be that he prefers YOU having darker hair rather than liking some other dark haired women out there.

I know my husband likes when my hair is longer. He keeps his mouth shut when I cut it but I know what he prefers.

I don’t like when my husband doesn’t shave. I can’t stand unshaven look on men. I like it when he is shaved. It doesn’t mean I salivate over clean shaved men on the streets. In general I just don’t like facial hair and prefer when my husband doesn’t sport five o’clock shadow so he makes an effort most of the time