Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

Also, right now is NOT the time for me to delve into this issue in therapy. I am trying to problem solve my toxic marriage right now, and I am trying to survive it while I strategize and plan to exit. That's what I am focusing on. Once I leave him, then perhaps I can delve into my history and analyze it to death. But honestly, I don't wish to, I think it's a total waste of time, I have a broken "picker" as my friend likes to call it, and that's all there is to it. End of story. I am broken.

@TishaBuv, one last point... I know you did say I am smart, but your question to me about the car lease seriously triggered me. I had already stated it was a mistake and stupid of me to co-sign, so to ask why I didn't think of such and such questions to ask after the fact only felt like my mistake was being rubbed more in my face. That's how it felt. I already feel stupid.

I recalculated my expenses. I can actually afford to cover our full rent IF he leaves and moves to Florida. What I cannot cover is if he defaults on any car payments..... so I will talk to the auto lease dept on Monday to see what I can do about this. My girlfriend told me today to kick him out and let him go to Florida. I may not survive a whole year of this toxic waste dump. I can barely survive NOW.

I just completely lost it on him. I screamed at him just now. I need this to be over and I need for him to leave.

If he goes to Florida he might want to take his car and he’d have to pay on it to keep it.

In the worst case scenario you could get a second job one two evenings a week, you can easily make several hundreds to help yourself with a rent.

I’m going to call the car lease company tomorrow and find out the deal if he leaves for Florida.

Yes I could moonlight on the side I guess. There’s always the Fiverr site where you can freelance expert services.

So after I screamed at him last night he did a 180 turnaround, apologized, and then wanted to pleasure me. Now he’s being all sweet and cutesy. He’s trying to win me back over. I had told him I was sick of him and of how much he enraged me. I also said he gets angry over the littlest things and blows up for no reason.

I am so tired of this charade.

I’m sorry my words came out wrong. I thought it was one important event between you and your h to look at how and why you were pushed into doing something that you maybe didn’t have to and shouldn’t have done. You weren’t fully and maybe not truthfully informed about the lease. I’m sincerely just trying to help.

I know the expression ‘broken picker’ lol. It’s unfortunate therapy never helped. I have not had good experiences with it either, but am now hopeful with new therapists. Plus, I am trying to learn and care for myself.

I’m sorry you are having this bad issue.

Hey Tisha. Thank you. Hugs.

I understand... I guess I just can’t think about that too much right now. I’m very down on myself for having fallen for an abuser. He can be very convincing and I suppose I’m easily persuaded even when I don’t want to do something. I felt obligated to cosign as his wife. I don’t feel good about myself right now.

And yeah therapy has not been very helpful to me.

I hope you like your new therapist and find it helpful. I’m just getting to know my own new therapist now.

The on/off switch from unloving behavior to loving behavior is really disconcerting. I really hope this doesn't mess with me long term. I am concerned. I don't plan on entering ANY relationships after this, so I suppose it won't even matter except for how I feel about myself and my own life once I am able to leave this messiness.

But the change from one day to the next between yelling obscenities at one another and saying "F you" to each other, to kissing, cuddling and affectionate loving behavior is too much of a stark contrast for me to stomach and even comprehend.

I am in a very unhealthy and toxic relationship, and I cannot believe I have done this to myself YET AGAIN.

Aw, thanks Bill!!! Hugs.

Today we’re out and about and he tells me yesterday is behind us and how much he loves me. So I said you certainly don’t act like it sometimes. He said that I said terrible things too. Of course he says that.

There’s no point in my continuing to tell him I don’t want those kinds of fights. I’ve said it several times by now. He listens for a while then cannot control his impulse to yell and start fights. Ugh.

You are very forgiving and extremely nice. It can’t be easy to be lovey dovey after being yelled, at cussed at, and called names. How does it work? You said you are out if he yells one more time so what’s your plan now after several more fights occurred within few weeks? Are you staying and working on your marriage or are you one foot out and just buying time? I don’t think you can do both with good outcome.

I’m holding back. I’m not telling him I love him and I’m not being lovey dovey with him. It’s very hard to. Bounce back after such a fight. He’s the one being lovey dovey.

Yes I did say it’s over if he yells again. I tried to end things yesterday by taking off my rings and declaring I no longer wanted to be married. He almost was going to move to Florida and stick me with everything. I backed down. I’m not prepared. So yes I’m biding my time, I’m trying to prepare and I want this to be over and done with. Right now I’m not sure how to proceed except to continue applying for higher paying jobs, get all my ducks in a row and then leave him, however that falls in place.

You can’t control him and how he behaves. I am sure he can control himself though. Unless he walks around on the streets yelling at people or yells at people at work, he has some control. He might not feel like he needs to exercise any control though if after screaming at each other he can have a good time next day. He might enjoy this kind of drama of highs and lows. Ton of people like this crazy up and down, make up sex or what not.

I have no choice but to just deal with what I’ve got right now though. I didn’t tell him all was forgiven either.

It doesn’t even matter does it? I’m leaving him at some point. He can think it’s ok and fine and dandy. But it’s not ok and I will leave him. That’s all that matters. I don’t care what he thinks anymore. All I care about right now is what I think. And there’s no changing him so why bother trying anymore? I’m soo done. This is what biding time ultimately means to me. Just smiling and nodding while I plan my exit.

Makes sense. Stay strong

@divine1966, to your point though, I think he enjoys being able to upset me and rock the boat. I think he enjoys taking out all his anger and frustration on me and using me as his emotional punching bag. And yes, I think he enjoys creating drama. It's his way of having control, I do believe.

There's nothing I can do about it except leave him when I can. I've tried umpteen times to tell him that this kind of behavior and drama is unacceptable. He behaves for a while, then blows up again.

So this is what happens. On this bday, all I did was make a comment that I thought it was strange I hadn't been invited into his private Facebook group, when I am his wife. I did not say it in an angry way, or even an accusatory way. I just made an observation and calmly commented. And he BLEW up over THAT. It's just like when he blew up over the hairbrush, when I told him he should ASK me if he could take it rather than TELL me he was taking my hairbrush for the day. THAT caused him to blow up. And then later on in the day on Sat, when I asked him what he was texting about (because he was feverishly texting someone), he nearly blew up over that too. That's when I lost it on him and told him he enrages me and that I am completely FED UP with him.

It's clear from ALL these blowups that I am not allowed to question him in ANY way. He always misinterprets me and thinks I am accusing him of cheating, or of going behind my back and doing something wrong with some other woman. ANYTHING I say that even alludes to any amount of mistrust, he interprets it as me attacking him and accusing him.

To be fair, I have said some things in the past that include questions about possible cheating (because he's always on his phone), but still, he misinterprets me all the time, and if I question him now in ANY way, it causes a huge fight and blow up on his end.

He always tells me it's very frustrating to have his integrity questioned. So I tell him in reply, well, if you had been more upfront and honest with me and hadn't been DISHONEST with me on several occasions, maybe I'd trust you more. But it's not always about mistrust -- sometimes, it's just a simple question I ask, and he blows up.

He's IMPOSSIBLE.

I don’t think he is cheating as it seems like he either works or you two are spending time together. But honestly I think if people don’t hide anything, why would they blow up.

My husband and I ask each other that often mainly out of being noisy or because we want to hear some gossip someone shared or what not. When asked we just turn the screen to each other so one can see and there is no need to say anything or just say talking to my brother, dad, my friend E, my friend A, my boss etc

When you asked who he is texting is he getting mad but then show you or tell you who he is talking to or he gets mad but at the end never tells you who he is talking to? So I am wondering if his getting mad is just his “go to” style of his way to avoid answering or showing you his phone? Is he hiding the phone screen (turns it so you can’t accidentally see it) when texting? What if it’s not texting but like online gambling or something?

I think people are entitled to privacy. I don’t believe we need to disclose every little thing we are talking about. Like if I am texting to my girlfriend I don’t feel my husband must know what we are talking about. And he’d never ask beyond “how is she doing and say hi” But why not say who you are texting to? It’s not privacy violation

I feel SO stuck and disgruntled by the fact that I cannot leave my husband right now, and I don't know how this is all going to shake out.

I have my annual review this week at work, which means I get a raise (hopefully). Last year, I got a 3.5% raise. If I get the same amount this year, I could definitely carry our full rent by myself plus all my expenses. But NOT his car payment.

I need to talk to my therapist, but my appt is not until Wed.

I wish I could just tell my husband, "this is over, I do not love you anymore, please pack your stuff and move to Florida to live with your parents".

This morning I did not say "i love you" as I usually do when he leaves in the morning. I don't even think he noticed.

The other day he was willing to give me his phone for as long as I wanted it so I could see what he is doing. This is after the blowup about the Facebook group comment I made.

He has offered his phone to me practically every time.... he has shown me his phone even, and who he is texting.

I don't think he's cheating, and I don't think he's doing anything behind my back necessarily, but why blow up every time? I am not allowed to ask him a single question apparently.

I pretty much allow him his privacy. Only once in a while do I ask him, who are you texting with or what are you doing? He's constantly on his phone, so it's a natural question for me to sometimes ask. A lot of the time, I just let him do as he pleases and I leave him be.

I think it’s concerning that 47 year old man must go live with his parents if he splits from his wife. What do people do who don’t have parents or have parents who aren’t willing to help. I didn’t live with my parents a day in my life after age 19. And my husbands parents died young. And we had all kind of rough patches and bad periods in life barely scrapping by before meeting each other.

Why does this man still rely on women and parents to carry him through life and he is nearing 50. Why is he choosing to live in expensive areas and neighborhoods that he can’t afford to live on his own, work jobs that don’t pay, spend money on crap like eating out every day, asks his wife to buy things all the time etc etc

It’s rhetorical question. No need to answer. But this is just mind boggling to me. What kind of man lives like this being not self sufficient? Ive met ton of men in my life. I can’t say I met any who live this way nearing 50.

And now you worry you’ll be stuck paying for his car??? He’d refuse to pay for his own car? What kind of man does that? In addition to constantly blowing up he isn’t self sufficient in his age... I can’t even

I agree with you. And this I learned much more so as time went on.

His solution is to go live with his parents. I could care less. In fact, it's far better for me IF he does move out of state, then I don't have to run into him all the time with our shared social scene. I would in fact prefer this. Very much so.

But I agree. He is NOT self sufficient. And he relies on everyone else to carry him financially, including me, and I am freaking fed up with it and am sooo done.