[Mbluish]

This is regarding racism and the current administration. My parents lean one way and my husband, a person of color, leans the other. After 25 years of marriage, my husband has had it. My parents love and adore my husband but have always poked fun at him, teased him, questioned his intelligence (He is a PhD and the smartest person I know). My parents are uneducated and ignorant about certain subjects. While all of these years I have only seen this as them being challenging, I have always known they idolize my husband but they could never say it. My mom has made unthinking comments about his religion, culture, and ethnic background. The last time we went to my parent’s house together (They live in the same town), we stopped by at the last minute to bring them food. We have a zero politics rule that my parents can never abide by. We left with my parents chasing us out the door my mom chanting the name of a racist, political figure and by dad calling us a colorful name. They thought they were being funny but it was ugly to us. Never once in all of these years had my husband said my parents are racists but now he says he has put up with their racism all of these years and he never wants to see them again. He ran into them once and my mom apologized to him for anything she did that hurt him. He didn’t accept that. My parents are heartbroken. I am stuck but I am on my husband’s side. My mom asked if there is anything they can do to let them know. I don’t know. He went through a very deep depression last year and is still in therapy. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[Mopey]

Mbluish, how perfectly AWFUL!

No omniscient advice comes to me at the moment, in fact I'm kind of speechless.

I can offer only hugs and much much compassion.

[Mopey]

Could it be that the current sociopolitical climate, with racial tensions seemingly coming to a climax, has something to do with your husband's "final straw"?

[DoroMona]

I'm really sorry for your situation. Maybe you could demand that your parents read or watch a bunch of books/movies that would better educate them on the subject? Books on racism, discrimination, the history of people of color in the US, etc. and tell them that until they've done their "homework," you guys won't be visiting them? You could put together some kind of syllabus, so that their "effort" becomes a more legitimate apology. No idea how to verify that they worked through it but they could always email you weekly summaries of their thoughts on the material for a few months. Working through a few books and movies could easily take six months of time, enough for your emotions and those of your husband to also settle down somewhat (perhaps) and perhaps making your parents more sensitive about their words.

[Mbluish]

Originally Posted by Mopey

Could it be that the current sociopolitical climate, with racial tensions seemingly coming to a climax, has something to do with your husband's "final straw"?

Absolutely.

[Mopey]

Mbluish, I don't believe there are any quick fixes -- just look at the rest of the world -- but as DoroMona says above, if there was some way to slowly begin to open a dialogue between the four of you, maybe if your parents could really convince your husband that they truly love him and have been acting out of a state of total ignorance, you might be able to get somewhere. I would favor a very cautious approach, with the accent on a whole lot of respect for your husband's wounded being.

Maybe if you got his permission for them to WRITE to him, say, to try to explain themselves.... Gosh. I truly do not know.

I don't have much racial diversity in my family so it hasn't been much of an issue, but I'll bet there are people out there on the forum who could give you more specific advice, based on their own experience.

[RockyRoad007]

This is a tough situation.

If I were you, I wouldn't allow myself to be used as a tug of war or pawn by your parents or husband. Love them both, but have them in entirely separate buckets at the moment.

If your parents question/pester you, have answers ready such as:
"I can't speak for him"
"He is allowed to make his own decisions"
"We don't talk about you, so I don't know"
"While I love you guys, my husband is my first priority"
"Let's enjoy our time together, and leave him out of it"
"He's asked me not to discuss him with you, and I have to honor that".

These of course are generalizations, but the gist is to not let them use you for their ends.
Perhaps in time a heartfelt Sorry card might help mend the rift. I wish you the best in this situation.

[Open Eyes]

Unfortunately, as soon as a person starts engaging the all X's are mentality, it's bound to cause problems. It's very possible your parents really respect and like your husband. They have tried to have an open mind, yet, what probably bothers them is being accused of being bad because of their skin color. NO ONE likes to be treated badly due to their skin color no matter WHAT a person's skin color is. The truth is that TOXIC/BAD people happen to come in ALL COLORS when it comes to human beings. Most likely, as is often the case is your parents were not able to articulate how they felt in a way that your husband could find acceptable and it ended badly leaving both your parents and your husband triggered and upset.

I have to be honest with you in that in my business I deal with all kinds of people, all different classes and nationalities and colors. Yet, after Obama won the presidency I ended up experiencing a couple of situations where I was at a gathering of African Americans and suddenly faced the "you white people are going to pay now" comments directed at me. I had a student with me as a helper and she was so traumatized she cried all the way home. And another gathering I was literally surrounded by African Americans refusing to pay me. That time I ended up breaking down into tears due to developing ptsd and I was trying to work despite struggling so much. Why? Just because of my color and now I need to face anger even though I myself never treated these people badly? I never faced that kind of treatment before and had worked with many groups of African American individuals over the years with no problems. I thought it was great that we finally had an African American president, it saddened me the anger and resentments I had faced, that I had not faced before.

That being said, I have faced rude and disrespectful white people as well while doing different jobs. So, it's not JUST about color. Yet that did change and began to lead to my feeling uncomfortable due to the trend of "white hating and blaming". As long as people do the "all X's are bad", it's going to lead to MORE problems IMHO.

[Open Eyes]

I do want to add that it was very inappropriate of your parents to push their opinions on you and your husband.

Both You and your husband deserve an apology you have a right to have your boundaries respected.

[winter4me]

I feel sorry that you and your husband tolerated your parent's behavior for so long.
If they are willing to be informed, you could give them (suggested above) some links to information but it sounds like they have gotten away with racism for too long and were "allowed" to think it wasn't so bad...

[divine1966]

Wow. Ignorance of some people...

Sure we don’t choose family and sadly some people end up with racist parents. But we do choose what we are willing to tolerate.

Your husband is an angel for tolerating this for so long. I see now it’s the same husband that wanted to separate from you and moved to a different area to live by himself. I don’t blame him now. I see that this situation likely contributed to his choice to move away. I’d want to be as far away from this as possible if it was me.

I am sorry your husband had to endure this for so long. I hope he finds peace in his new location.

[Mbluish]

[QUOTE=divine1966;6871293

Your husband is an angel for tolerating this for so long. I see now it’s the same husband that wanted to separate from you and moved to a different area to live by himself. I don’t blame him now. I see that this situation likely contributed to his choice to move away. I’d want to be as far away from this as possible if it was me.

I am sorry your husband had to endure this for so long. I hope he finds peace in his new location.[/QUOTE]
My husband never once said to me he thought it was racist until months after that day my mom chanted. We always said they, especially my mom, like to debate and push buttons. Since I have never asked him to talk to them are see them.

[divine1966]

Him not saying your parents are racists doesn’t mean he didn’t always think that.

You said over the years they made unthinking comments about his culture as well as questioned his intelligence. It doesn’t sound like healthy debates to me at all.

Your husband probably continued seeing them because he felt obligated as it’s family. But I don’t blame him for having enough of it. Do you think he has no rights to feel that way?

[Have Hope]

Your husband definitely has every right to be outraged by your parents' treatment of him and outraged by the racist comments. If you're asking advice on how to deal with your parents, I would flat out tell them that their behavior is entirely unacceptable, that they treat him as "less than", and that their racist comments AND how they treat him is not acceptable in ANY way shape or form. They owe him more than apologies. They owe him a complete 180 degree turnaround in their attitude. It's disgusting how he's been treated. I would want nothing to do with them either.

[Mbluish]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Him not saying your parents are racists doesn’t mean he didn’t always think that.

You said over the years they made unthinking comments about his culture as well as questioned his intelligence. It doesn’t sound like healthy debates to me at all.

Your husband probably continued seeing them because he felt obligated as it’s family. But I don’t blame him for having enough of it. Do you think he has no rights to feel that way?

They’ve made few comments about his race and culture. Once my mom said Hispanic and he corrected her and said he was Latino. The term Hispanic is offensive to him and he cleared that with my mom. My mom once said to him that she doesn’t know how she would feel I became catholic when she has told me she wouldn’t have a problem with it. To show you my mom’s ignorance, she once said “He doesn’t consider himself a minority does he?’. She doesn’t know the definition and felt that minority meant “lesser”. She didn’t want him to feel lesser. Most conversations with them are about politics. What we think about the governor, are we going to vote for this...My husband is a deeply religious and my mom-church going dad tried to quote scripture with him. If I heard my parents poking at his culture or religion, I would have said something. All of these years I’ve seen political debates. We have distanced ourselves from them because being around them and their ignorance is unnerving. My husband is a very blunt person. He has told me some things other family me ever have said were racist and I agreed. He never told me my parents were racist but since that day he has been adding up things they have said or done and says that is was all racist. We were late one day when my parents needed to borrow my car to get to an appointment and my dad got mad. That was racists. I have called out racism when I have seen it. A friends dad once asked my what my husband was “como esta-ing about” and I called him out. I am heartbroken. I know I have made mistakes. He absolutely has every right to feel this way.

[Open Eyes]

Found this explaination:

Hispanic vs Latino - Difference and Comparison | Diffen

A lot of people do get confused and are not necessarily racist. Not really "knowing" doesn't necessarily equal racist.

[Open Eyes]

For myself, I have worked for many different groups of individuals that speak spanish. I never assume but just ask and they typically answer me with "I am Columbian/American or I am Brazilian/American or Guatemalan/American or Mexican/American etc., etc.

These labels are racial and that the only label that accurately represents their ethnicity is their nationality, which immediately identifies their cultural traditions, foods, music, etc. (e.g., Colombian, Peruvian, Guatemalan, etc.)

[divine1966]

Hm I think I am confused. You first said that you parents made unthinking comments about his culture and ethnicity as well as questioned his intelligence. Now it sounds that they didn’t do anything wrong, their only mistake was saying he is Hispanic (it’s a common mistake and typically just comes from not knowing) and they just argue politics.

[Mbluish]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Hm I think I am confused. You first said that you parents made unthinking comments about his culture and ethnicity as well as questioned his intelligence. Now it sounds that they didnÂ’t do anything wrong, their only mistake was saying he is Hispanic (itÂ’s a common mistake and typically just comes from not knowing) and they just argue politics.

The comment about his culture and ethnicity were unthinking comments like the Hispanic comment. My mom is Irish and he told her she is not because she doesnÂ’t celebrate the Irish culture. She asked what is his culture. My husband is not handy. My dad teases that he doesnÂ’t know the sharp end of a screwdriver. My dad also would tell my husband he should get a business degree. They know how intelligent he is. They just tease. And politically, we are not on the same page but they have always acted as if they are on the same level. My mom dropped out of high school.

[divine1966]

Ok I guess racism might not be an issue here

[Open Eyes]

Well, you can’t change your parents and their lack of education. You can privately visit with them for a sit down conversation to let them know what they say that bothers your husband. You can be nice about it with them.

I think the current climate is extremely racially sensitive, more so than I have seen in a while. Chances are your parents are not trying to intentionally to make your husband uncomfortable.

Some people are just “simple” not bad, not racist but just simple and on the naive side. With patience they can be slowly enlightened.

[Mbluish]

My thing is that is ever I felt they were being racist towards him I never would have subjected him to them. Never. I have seen people treat him differently because of his skin color and I have stood up to them. But, because of who my parents support politically and the news they support, my husband claims because they support this and are complicit and are, therefore, racist.

I do think I can visit and have a serious talk with them. My husband has told me he cannot forgive them. I know racism is a huge problem in this country. My husband has suffered it. But with the current climate he feels and sees it even more.

[Open Eyes]

Yes, I understand in that the current administration has not exactly been especially adequate in addressing racial concerns. And the media has been quick to grab onto that constantly magnifying anything they can. I agree in that it’s been just awful.

Personally in my own effort to discover what a lot of people think, I have learned many are more centered than leaning too much either way and find the media twists too much.

Also there has been an increase in racially mixed couples. When I was reading the link I posted my husbands mother is Portuguese and her family speaks fluent Portuguese. I have a beautiful grand niece that is Irish,Scottish,Dutch,English,and African American decent. This country is full of people that immigrated from all kinds of countries and over the years we just all mingled and mixed together.

Yet there are pockets of people that can still have racial fears and insecurities in all classes. That will slowly continue dissipate with time. I have been noticing a gradual change through the years as I have worked with so many families over the years.

There are just going to be things you won’t see eye to eye on with your parents. That’s actually a lot more common than you might think. Adding to that your parents are simple and naive it’s something you will have to develop some patience with. Enlightenment takes time and lots of patience.

[divine1966]

I heard so many ridiculous ignorant stupid comments in my life that I can write a book.

I already told this story at some point. We once had this lady invited to a Passover dinner, she was a lovely person, uneducated and quite ignorant but mostly kind hearted. She was afraid to touch Matzos. We tried to explain to her that it’s just flour and water. We didn’t even attempt to explain religious significance. Just that it’s not dangerous food.

She said she knows we put blood of Christian babies in it so she is afraid to touch it. She then said she’s learned it in her church (whatever backwards church that was).

We weren’t even offended because frankly it’s just too funny to even be offended about plus clearly many people are just that ignorant. We ensured her that there’s no one blood mixed in anything. 😂😂😂

I’ve heard a lot of anti Semitic and anti immigrant comments in my life on both continents. It gets better and then it goes back to square one. I feel for your husband who likely heard ton of offensive comments over the years. Did people ask him about illegal immigration?

I had someone asked me if I am afraid to be deported with new administration. I said I am US citizen and the person commented that it shouldn’t matter, anyone foreign born could be deported. 😂😂😂😂 I’ve read on Reddit that on of foreign born Americans are asked that! What the what...

People don’t even know laws of their own country. I guess we can’t expect them to understand other cultures. Sad. And don’t get me started on languages. People who only speak one have no understanding of what it means to speak many. I am trilingual and am learning 4th. I was criticized on online forum that I made syntax mistakes typing in a rush. Criticized by a person who isn’t even educated in ONE single language she or he barely speaks. Oh boy

I suspect your husband is just fed up. At some point anyone is allowed to just have enough of it. He might forgive them later but he clearly needs a break from this.

Didn’t mean to hijack, just relating to experience of people like your husband. He has rights to be fed up at least for the time being

[TishaBuv]

You said your parents love your husband. Your mother apologized to him and feels awful for the rift. This shows me they do care for and respect him.

The way they tease him sounds to me like they think it’s funny. They know he’s intelligent as he’s a PhD. They tease him about not being smart because in truth they are intimidated by his intelligence. It sounds like this is their sense of humor style and they thought he’s laugh along.

When you made a no politics rule, and they refused to respect that, that was bad on them. They should have respected your boundary. These issues were always a problem for people to discuss their differences of opinion. At this time in history, families are being torn apart left and right (pun intended )

It sounds like they are good parents and you are close aside from this issue.

I feel for your husband’s pain of not being able to stop their treatment of him that was disrespectful.

From the things you mentioned they said and did, they don’t sound like hateful racists, only sometimes uninformed. I didn’t know Hispanic was offensive tbh. But, when he told them he prefers Latino, they should respect him and refer to him as Latino. Or is it offensive to refer to someone’s race at all now?

Other things you mentioned they said are not racist. They are just other things that sound like they enjoy poking fun in what they don’t think is offensive (but it is to you both).

In past decades, fun being poked at others was acceptable. It’s not anymore. I’m not talking about really mean spirited. Just people would laugh at themselves more.

Your parents obviously approved of him, as you married him, and they supported and embraced it.

I hope you can all work it out and remain a loving family. Look at intentions. Try to communicate and be heard and respected. If you parents know they are driving you away, I hope they will learn to respect boundaries.