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Junior Member
Member Since Jun 2020
Location: Scotland
Posts: 24
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#1
My wife, best friend and only love of 27years has told me our marriage is over. I have suffered from depression over our relationship and this last episode was too much for my wife. I can see the it has affected her more than at any other time. I need advice on how to move on, l cannot get her out of my head and any memory or even a song l hear reminds and upsets me. I feel I will not have a life after this. Anybody else came through a toxic time like this and found solace afterward.
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Gasplessy, Julielynn1990, maker, Open Eyes, RoxanneToto, TishaBuv
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
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#2
I am very sorry to hear it. It cannot be easy. Do you have children (it complicates separation)?
I very much recommend you see a therapist to help you through. Yes you can move forward and heal but it will take time and possibly professional help. Are you anticipating amicable divorce and perhaps staying on friendly terms? Remain friends? Divorcing or separating doesn’t always mean you have to lose a friend Hugs |
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Legendary Wise Elder
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Location: Northeast USA
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#3
Oh AceScot, I am so very sorry it's such a challenge to struggle with MI, not only for the one who has it but also their spouses. Others here can relate and understand, it's a good place to come for Mental Health support.
It's so important to reach out for help and therapy and possibly see if you might benefit from a different medication. |
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Chita1973
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Member Since Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
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#4
What is toxic about your situation? Just asking for clarification.
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Junior Member
Member Since Jun 2020
Location: Scotland
Posts: 24
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#5
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Fuzzybear, Open Eyes
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Junior Member
Member Since Jun 2020
Location: Scotland
Posts: 24
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#6
I see no future for myself alone, mental health recovery taking longer due to my wife leaving me, l will lose my home as my wife wants to sell up and because l have lost my job financially l cannot stop it. I can't see any future for myself, all these events are toxic th o me and my health.
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Open Eyes
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Member Since Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
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#7
Well, first I'll answer your original question, just so you don't think I am just bugging you for more information.
Yes, I have been through something similar if you mean a horrible divorce and severe depression. Mine was only 14 years long though. I would say traumatizing for myself rather than toxic as well. It involved child abuse, suicidal behavior, infidelity, police, alcoholism, and the death of my dog. And yes, I have come through the other side and am recovering. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't have comforting words for depression. It is never good. What do you mean she left you after the last episode? Of depression? |
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Fuzzybear, Open Eyes, RoxanneToto
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Junior Member
Member Since Jun 2020
Location: Scotland
Posts: 24
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#8
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1. I had given up trying to get better 2. My wife had experienced depression herself this time. 3. She can't go thro this again and wants the rest of her life to be free of me and my depression. I have pleaded with her but to no avail, 27yrs gone, life empty. |
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Member
Member Since Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
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#9
No matter how old you are, that's a big chunk of time of your life you knew this woman. For a while there, I was married to my wife longer than I wasn't. But soon I will have been divorced longer than I have been married. Youth, marriage, divorce, recovery, new beginnings, these are all cycles too. What's your plan for recovery from depression? Maybe you begin to get better and you get remarried?
Last edited by guy1111; Jul 08, 2020 at 07:09 AM.. |
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Junior Member
Member Since Jun 2020
Location: Scotland
Posts: 24
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#10
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guy1111, RoxanneToto
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Member Since Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
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#11
That's great man! You are a stand up guy. Not many guys get to where they can see their issues and start to fix themselves.
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AceScot
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
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#12
Thank you for the update and I am glad you are going to see a therapist!!! Awesome step.
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AceScot
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Location: Eastern, USA
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#13
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__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Junior Member
Member Since Jun 2020
Location: Scotland
Posts: 24
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#14
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Had my first session with my therapist today, l have seen therapists before. We spent the time discussing my childhood, my mental health history and my current marital problems. I feel talking therapy does help, the only difficulty l have is the weight of my marital problem does impact on how l feel, my thoughts are always focused on my wife and the disbelief of our separation, this is stopping me progressing at this time..... I am sad and continue to be. |
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Member
Member Since Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
6 |
#15
Does your wife have any problems with drugs/alcohol or other addictive/compulsive behaviors, ie excessive shopping, dieting? I'm sure she is very special because you care about her and have been together so long.
Just asking because you may have co-dependency stuff going on. |
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Junior Member
Member Since Jun 2020
Location: Scotland
Posts: 24
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#16
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If anything l rely on her totally and completely as a friend and soulmate. |
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Member
Member Since Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
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#17
I'm glad neither of you have any addictive/compulsive problems. That should help make your healing and moving on go smoother. Divorce with children in itself is one of the most horrible things a person can go through. Trust me. I don't mean to say that to depress you even more. I am just letting you know that I have been through it and that you are not alone. Depression can make it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel as well. I know that from experience too.
It sounds like you might be frustrated that your therapist is focused on childhood and other issues besides your wife right now. Some therapists like to get a overall picture of your situation before diving in to what is hurting you the most. Be patient and give it another session. Hopefully they will let you talk some more about losing your wife. Do you have any close friends to talk to in person? |
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Junior Member
Member Since Jun 2020
Location: Scotland
Posts: 24
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#18
Yes l have many good friends who have offered and given me help. My kids are grown up guys of 21 and 24, they are handling the situation a lot better than l am. I miss them as they still live at home and l used to see and spend time with them every day. I will see my therapist again nxt week. The only real thing l crave is being able to see beyond this terrible situation l am, in it is crippling me emotionally and mentally. I have known my marriage is over for more than 3 months but l still can't believe it or shake it from my every thought. My wife who decided our marraige is over appears focused and is ready to sell our home and start her new life, whereas lm a bag of broken thoughts and failures.
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RoxanneToto
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guy1111
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Member
Member Since Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
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#19
Well, I am glad that your boys are a little bit older. It's really hard when they are young and unable to take care of themselves. I know it's hard when they seem to be handling it better than you are. I am sure they still hurt for you and your marriage. Nobody wants to see their parents unhappy. You are a good father and it sounds like you have helped raise good boys. I am sure they are happy to know you are going to therapy and getting better.
So many parents just give up and remain their same broken selves. You are an awesome guy for getting better! I think you might be greiving the loss of your marriage. To me it felt like a physical death of something and someone I loved very dearly. It helped me to talk about it in that way. If you want you can talk about it here where no one will judge you. What do you miss most about your marriage, if you don't mind me asking? |
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Junior Member
Member Since Jun 2020
Location: Scotland
Posts: 24
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#20
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guy1111
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