Cope with separation...

My wife, best friend and only love of 27years has told me our marriage is over. I have suffered from depression over our relationship and this last episode was too much for my wife. I can see the it has affected her more than at any other time. I need advice on how to move on, l cannot get her out of my head and any memory or even a song l hear reminds and upsets me. I feel I will not have a life after this. Anybody else came through a toxic time like this and found solace afterward.

I am very sorry to hear it. It cannot be easy. Do you have children (it complicates separation)?

I very much recommend you see a therapist to help you through. Yes you can move forward and heal but it will take time and possibly professional help. Are you anticipating amicable divorce and perhaps staying on friendly terms? Remain friends? Divorcing or separating doesn’t always mean you have to lose a friend

Hugs

Oh AceScot, I am so very sorry it's such a challenge to struggle with MI, not only for the one who has it but also their spouses. Others here can relate and understand, it's a good place to come for Mental Health support.

It's so important to reach out for help and therapy and possibly see if you might benefit from a different medication.

What is toxic about your situation? Just asking for clarification.

Thanks for your reply, l see all you have written as positive. Its this initial period of such sadness and hopelessness l am struggling to cope with. Shock is a better description as to how l feel at losing my wife.

I see no future for myself alone, mental health recovery taking longer due to my wife leaving me, l will lose my home as my wife wants to sell up and because l have lost my job financially l cannot stop it. I can't see any future for myself, all these events are toxic th o me and my health.

Well, first I'll answer your original question, just so you don't think I am just bugging you for more information.

Yes, I have been through something similar if you mean a horrible divorce and severe depression. Mine was only 14 years long though. I would say traumatizing for myself rather than toxic as well. It involved child abuse, suicidal behavior, infidelity, police, alcoholism, and the death of my dog. And yes, I have come through the other side and am recovering.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't have comforting words for depression. It is never good.

What do you mean she left you after the last episode? Of depression?

Since 1991, l have experienced various degrees of depression in 4yr cycles. My wife has been with me through the previous episodes abd the effect that it had on both of us and our sons. But due to the length and severity of this episode of depression my wife has said,
1. I had given up trying to get better
2. My wife had experienced depression herself this time.
3. She can't go thro this again and wants the rest of her life to be free of me and my depression.
I have pleaded with her but to no avail, 27yrs gone, life empty.

No matter how old you are, that's a big chunk of time of your life you knew this woman. For a while there, I was married to my wife longer than I wasn't. But soon I will have been divorced longer than I have been married. Youth, marriage, divorce, recovery, new beginnings, these are all cycles too. What's your plan for recovery from depression? Maybe you begin to get better and you get remarried?

Hi guy1111, l made a big step today and have arranged to see a therapist, she maybe able to help me deal with the ever present thoughts l have of wanting to phone, txt, speak to and see my wife every minute of every day. I get upset when l try to face up to the reality of her not being part of my life. With regard depression l am feeling a bit better, l hope if l get a handle on my marital situation it will ease my suffering.

That's great man! You are a stand up guy. Not many guys get to where they can see their issues and start to fix themselves.

Thank you for the update and I am glad you are going to see a therapist!!! Awesome step.

Work on yourself and work on your depression, is my advice. One way through separation and the ending of a relationship is to work on self improvement. This will help build or rebuild your self esteem, you will feel better about yourself as you work towards personal goals and you will feel better as you see yourself improving over time.

Had my first session with my therapist today, l have seen therapists before. We spent the time discussing my childhood, my mental health history and my current marital problems. I feel talking therapy does help, the only difficulty l have is the weight of my marital problem does impact on how l feel, my thoughts are always focused on my wife and the disbelief of our separation, this is stopping me progressing at this time..... I am sad and continue to be.

Does your wife have any problems with drugs/alcohol or other addictive/compulsive behaviors, ie excessive shopping, dieting? I'm sure she is very special because you care about her and have been together so long.

Just asking because you may have co-dependency stuff going on.

No my wife has none of these problems, neither do l, my amazing life with her has just been destroyed by my mental health episodes.
If anything l rely on her totally and completely as a friend and soulmate.

I'm glad neither of you have any addictive/compulsive problems. That should help make your healing and moving on go smoother. Divorce with children in itself is one of the most horrible things a person can go through. Trust me. I don't mean to say that to depress you even more. I am just letting you know that I have been through it and that you are not alone. Depression can make it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel as well. I know that from experience too.

It sounds like you might be frustrated that your therapist is focused on childhood and other issues besides your wife right now. Some therapists like to get a overall picture of your situation before diving in to what is hurting you the most. Be patient and give it another session. Hopefully they will let you talk some more about losing your wife.

Do you have any close friends to talk to in person?

Yes l have many good friends who have offered and given me help. My kids are grown up guys of 21 and 24, they are handling the situation a lot better than l am. I miss them as they still live at home and l used to see and spend time with them every day. I will see my therapist again nxt week. The only real thing l crave is being able to see beyond this terrible situation l am, in it is crippling me emotionally and mentally. I have known my marriage is over for more than 3 months but l still can't believe it or shake it from my every thought. My wife who decided our marraige is over appears focused and is ready to sell our home and start her new life, whereas lm a bag of broken thoughts and failures.

Well, I am glad that your boys are a little bit older. It's really hard when they are young and unable to take care of themselves. I know it's hard when they seem to be handling it better than you are. I am sure they still hurt for you and your marriage. Nobody wants to see their parents unhappy. You are a good father and it sounds like you have helped raise good boys. I am sure they are happy to know you are going to therapy and getting better.

So many parents just give up and remain their same broken selves. You are an awesome guy for getting better!

I think you might be greiving the loss of your marriage. To me it felt like a physical death of something and someone I loved very dearly. It helped me to talk about it in that way. If you want you can talk about it here where no one will judge you. What do you miss most about your marriage, if you don't mind me asking?

Still cannot mentally accept my wife has left me, no marriage, 27yrs of love, togetherness, of doing everything together gone, she decided. How do l get a handle on it, move on, stop being a "oh no lm all alone" , f**cking focus on life, even at 54 yrs of l must have a life any life. I am hurt l know that, l must, l must have something better than to sit and think and cry and cry about a woman who left because of who l am and what l suffered. Anyone there that can help Anyone please please.

Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. I know, I've been in the pit. It is miserable. I believe catharsis is a good way to get some relief. You can become addicted, so watch out. Make sure you have other ways of feeling better as well, like lifting weights. I believe men are not taught enough about building testosterone. Do some manly **** that you like to do. Maybe something she might not have cared for, like smoking a good cigar.

It's good to let out your feelings too. Your last post was kind of poetic. I liked it, even though it is very sad.

What would you like to say to her if she were here on this forum right now?

As it turns out l an going to telephone my wife today to organise a meeting to discuss the impact seperation will have on our financials. Another blind alley for me as l did not take any part in the control of credit cards or money. So will l lose out? , who knows, my wife said she will treat me fairly and there will be no angst. So call will take place in a couple of hours to set up meeting....... I still just want her back..... that is all I want. Still not turned the corner..... A failure in marriage and in life.

It sounds like she cares about you and doesn't want to hurt you. Maybe after the divorce if you find a new job you will have a better sense of freedom and feel a little bit more in control of your life?

Ace....

Last July, the person that promised me forever came to me with an expiration date. My wife told me she wanted a divorce and that we had to sell our home and lead on to separate lives. Living with her put me on the brink of insanity, yet somehow I managed to find the will within to continue. Also, like you, I have felt like a failure and the only remedy I can offer is that time makes it easier. It has been one year for me, the pain is still there, yet I can breathe easier and live alone more comfortably. Be very, very careful in this stage of your life, remember the person that promised you eternity, just broke their part of the deal. I would be cautious if I were you with the meetings between her and you. You don't need to be mean, but just be careful and sadly a guard will need to go up. I have learned the hard way that the person I used to love had become the embodiment of what I despise.

I cannot trust her and everything she tells me I take with a grain of salt. To me, the biggest breach of my trust was that her version of forever had an expiration date. Take care of yourself, time heals slowly, and you pick up pieces of yourself along the way. This website has helped me immensely, as it is the only thing I had. Take care of your heart and remember to guard yourself, even if you suspect nothing. Perhaps I am too cynical, I don't know.

Take care and find that light within you to continue....there is a light...

--sarc

Thankyou Sarc, your words help me. At present l am living away from home with my sister. On Tuesday l will meet up with my wife and its going to be hard. The hardest part is the silence, she hasn't communicated with me at all for the last 4weeks.... expected l suppose. I'll write before Tuesday and then after the meeting. The support lve had means a lot.