Cope with separation...

AceScot · Jul 02, 2020 at 11:31 AM

My wife, best friend and only love of 27years has told me our marriage is over. I have suffered from depression over our relationship and this last episode was too much for my wife. I can see the it has affected her more than at any other time. I need advice on how to move on, l cannot get her out of my head and any memory or even a song l hear reminds and upsets me. I feel I will not have a life after this. Anybody else came through a toxic time like this and found solace afterward.

divine1966 · Jul 02, 2020 at 11:37 AM

I am very sorry to hear it. It cannot be easy. Do you have children (it complicates separation)?

I very much recommend you see a therapist to help you through. Yes you can move forward and heal but it will take time and possibly professional help. Are you anticipating amicable divorce and perhaps staying on friendly terms? Remain friends? Divorcing or separating doesn’t always mean you have to lose a friend

Hugs

AceScot · Jul 04, 2020 at 03:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

I am very sorry to hear it. It cannot be easy. Do you have children (it complicates separation)?

I very much recommend you see a therapist to help you through. Yes you can move forward and heal but it will take time and possibly professional help. Are you anticipating amicable divorce and perhaps staying on friendly terms? Remain friends? Divorcing or separating doesn’t always mean you have to lose a friend

Hugs

Thanks for your reply, l see all you have written as positive. Its this initial period of such sadness and hopelessness l am struggling to cope with. Shock is a better description as to how l feel at losing my wife.

Fuzzybear · Jul 29, 2020 at 05:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AceScot

Thanks for your reply, l see all you have written as positive. Its this initial period of such sadness and hopelessness l am struggling to cope with. Shock is a better description as to how l feel at losing my wife.

I'm sorry for your pain. This is hard for anyone to deal with. Please be gentle with self. I agree with those who have suggested therapy. Also as you have found, pc can be a helpful place to vent and to receive support and/or advice.

Prycejosh1987 · Nov 12, 2020 at 11:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

I am very sorry to hear it. It cannot be easy. Do you have children (it complicates separation)?

I very much recommend you see a therapist to help you through. Yes you can move forward and heal but it will take time and possibly professional help. Are you anticipating amicable divorce and perhaps staying on friendly terms? Remain friends? Divorcing or separating doesn’t always mean you have to lose a friend

Hugs

I agree, its good also to stay in communication with her. Its a shame she gave up on you. I wish you all the best in future. If you have kids if can cause problems if the relationship was toxic. Get the help you need for your depression.

Open Eyes · Jul 02, 2020 at 07:29 PM

Oh AceScot, I am so very sorry it's such a challenge to struggle with MI, not only for the one who has it but also their spouses. Others here can relate and understand, it's a good place to come for Mental Health support.

It's so important to reach out for help and therapy and possibly see if you might benefit from a different medication.

guy1111 · Jul 03, 2020 at 09:20 PM

What is toxic about your situation? Just asking for clarification.

AceScot · Jul 04, 2020 at 03:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guy1111

What is toxic about your situation? Just asking for clarification.

I see no future for myself alone, mental health recovery taking longer due to my wife leaving me, l will lose my home as my wife wants to sell up and because l have lost my job financially l cannot stop it. I can't see any future for myself, all these events are toxic th o me and my health.

guy1111 · Jul 05, 2020 at 09:33 AM

Well, first I'll answer your original question, just so you don't think I am just bugging you for more information.

Yes, I have been through something similar if you mean a horrible divorce and severe depression. Mine was only 14 years long though. I would say traumatizing for myself rather than toxic as well. It involved child abuse, suicidal behavior, infidelity, police, alcoholism, and the death of my dog. And yes, I have come through the other side and am recovering.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't have comforting words for depression. It is never good.

What do you mean she left you after the last episode? Of depression?

AceScot · Jul 06, 2020 at 09:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guy1111

Well, first I'll answer your original question, just so you don't think I am just bugging you for more information.

Yes, I have been through something similar if you mean a horrible divorce and severe depression. Mine was only 14 years long though. I would say traumatizing for myself rather than toxic as well. It involved child abuse, suicidal behavior, infidelity, police, alcoholism, and the death of my dog. And yes, I have come through the other side and am recovering.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't have comforting words for depression. It is never good.

What do you mean she left you after the last episode? Of depression?

Since 1991, l have experienced various degrees of depression in 4yr cycles. My wife has been with me through the previous episodes abd the effect that it had on both of us and our sons. But due to the length and severity of this episode of depression my wife has said,
1. I had given up trying to get better
2. My wife had experienced depression herself this time.
3. She can't go thro this again and wants the rest of her life to be free of me and my depression.
I have pleaded with her but to no avail, 27yrs gone, life empty.

guy1111 · 07:09 AM

No matter how old you are, that's a big chunk of time of your life you knew this woman. For a while there, I was married to my wife longer than I wasn't. But soon I will have been divorced longer than I have been married. Youth, marriage, divorce, recovery, new beginnings, these are all cycles too. What's your plan for recovery from depression? Maybe you begin to get better and you get remarried?

AceScot · Jul 10, 2020 at 12:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

I am very sorry to hear it. It cannot be easy. Do you have children (it complicates separation)?

I very much recommend you see a therapist to help you through. Yes you can move forward and heal but it will take time and possibly professional help. Are you anticipating amicable divorce and perhaps staying on friendly terms? Remain friends? Divorcing or separating doesn’t always mean you have to lose a friend

Hugs

Quote:

Originally Posted by guy1111

No matter how old you are, that's a big chunk of time of your life you knew this woman. For a while there, I was married to my wife longer than I wasn't. But soon I will have been divorced longer than I have been married. Youth, marriage, divorce, recovery, new beginnings, these are all cycles too. What's your plan for recovery from depression? Maybe you begin to get better and you get remarried?

Hi guy1111, l made a big step today and have arranged to see a therapist, she maybe able to help me deal with the ever present thoughts l have of wanting to phone, txt, speak to and see my wife every minute of every day. I get upset when l try to face up to the reality of her not being part of my life. With regard depression l am feeling a bit better, l hope if l get a handle on my marital situation it will ease my suffering.

AceScot · Jul 18, 2020 at 11:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AceScot

Hi guy1111, l made a big step today and have arranged to see a therapist, she maybe able to help me deal with the ever present thoughts l have of wanting to phone, txt, speak to and see my wife every minute of every day. I get upset when l try to face up to the reality of her not being part of my life. With regard depression l am feeling a bit better, l hope if l get a handle on my marital situation it will ease my suffering.

Still cannot mentally accept my wife has left me, no marriage, 27yrs of love, togetherness, of doing everything together gone, she decided. How do l get a handle on it, move on, stop being a "oh no lm all alone" , f**cking focus on life, even at 54 yrs of l must have a life any life. I am hurt l know that, l must, l must have something better than to sit and think and cry and cry about a woman who left because of who l am and what l suffered. Anyone there that can help Anyone please please.

AceScot · Oct 11, 2020 at 03:09 AM

October the 10th, l have went back to work part time. I have moved back into my marital home. Both these have again crushed my mental health. Sitting here, lve got two options, give up work and move out to where l don't know, end it all but lm scared to do it but l want to end all this hopelessness and lack of motivation. My life as l know it is over the life lve led and the woman l love is over, ended, finished. Hope has gone from my life, the drive, excitement the love.... OVER. Its over a year l have carried this burden of severe depression and hoped to beat it. Tried medication, Psychiatrist, therapy. I'm the only one who can beat this and l cant do it. Dying is a better option than how l have fely over the last 13 months.

guy1111 · Jul 11, 2020 at 12:06 AM

That's great man! You are a stand up guy. Not many guys get to where they can see their issues and start to fix themselves.

AceScot · Jul 13, 2020 at 01:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guy1111

No matter how old you are, that's a big chunk of time of your life you knew this woman. For a while there, I was married to my wife longer than I wasn't. But soon I will have been divorced longer than I have been married. Youth, marriage, divorce, recovery, new beginnings, these are all cycles too. What's your plan for recovery from depression? Maybe you begin to get better and you get remarried?

Quote:

Originally Posted by guy1111

That's great man! You are a stand up guy. Not many guys get to where they can see their issues and start to fix themselves.

Had my first session with my therapist today, l have seen therapists before. We spent the time discussing my childhood, my mental health history and my current marital problems. I feel talking therapy does help, the only difficulty l have is the weight of my marital problem does impact on how l feel, my thoughts are always focused on my wife and the disbelief of our separation, this is stopping me progressing at this time..... I am sad and continue to be.

divine1966 · Jul 11, 2020 at 03:23 AM

Thank you for the update and I am glad you are going to see a therapist!!! Awesome step.

Have Hope · Jul 12, 2020 at 05:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AceScot

My wife, best friend and only love of 27years has told me our marriage is over. I have suffered from depression over our relationship and this last episode was too much for my wife. I can see the it has affected her more than at any other time. I need advice on how to move on, l cannot get her out of my head and any memory or even a song l hear reminds and upsets me. I feel I will not have a life after this. Anybody else came through a toxic time like this and found solace afterward.

Work on yourself and work on your depression, is my advice. One way through separation and the ending of a relationship is to work on self improvement. This will help build or rebuild your self esteem, you will feel better about yourself as you work towards personal goals and you will feel better as you see yourself improving over time.

guy1111 · Jul 13, 2020 at 04:22 PM

Does your wife have any problems with drugs/alcohol or other addictive/compulsive behaviors, ie excessive shopping, dieting? I'm sure she is very special because you care about her and have been together so long.

Just asking because you may have co-dependency stuff going on.

AceScot · Jul 15, 2020 at 10:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guy1111

Does your wife have any problems with drugs/alcohol or other addictive/compulsive behaviors, ie excessive shopping, dieting? I'm sure she is very special because you care about her and have been together so long.

Just asking because you may have co-dependency stuff going on.

No my wife has none of these problems, neither do l, my amazing life with her has just been destroyed by my mental health episodes.
If anything l rely on her totally and completely as a friend and soulmate.

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Open Eyes Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Mar 2011 Location: Northeast USA Posts: 23,179 (SuperPoster!) 13 21.4k hugs given	Jul 02, 2020 at 07:29 PM #6 Oh AceScot, I am so very sorry it's such a challenge to struggle with MI, not only for the one who has it but also their spouses. Others here can relate and understand, it's a good place to come for Mental Health support. It's so important to reach out for help and therapy and possibly see if you might benefit from a different medication.
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guy1111 Member Member Since Apr 2018 Location: US Posts: 422 6	Jul 03, 2020 at 09:20 PM #7 What is toxic about your situation? Just asking for clarification.
	Reply With Quote

guy1111 Member Member Since Apr 2018 Location: US Posts: 422 6	Jul 11, 2020 at 12:06 AM #15 That's great man! You are a stand up guy. Not many guys get to where they can see their issues and start to fix themselves.
	Reply With Quote

divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,533 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,280 hugs given	Jul 11, 2020 at 03:23 AM #17 Thank you for the update and I am glad you are going to see a therapist!!! Awesome step.
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guy1111 Member Member Since Apr 2018 Location: US Posts: 422 6	Jul 13, 2020 at 04:22 PM #19 Does your wife have any problems with drugs/alcohol or other addictive/compulsive behaviors, ie excessive shopping, dieting? I'm sure she is very special because you care about her and have been together so long. Just asking because you may have co-dependency stuff going on.
	Reply With Quote