Assault?

I didn’t think you were neglecting the kids. I know I’d be so uncomfortable parenting with that kind of stress about who was ‘supposed to be’ watching them discussion.

In what cases are good mothers denied any custody to their kids? I can’t imagine such injustice.

You mentioned you are exchanging texts with him for these conversations. I’m confused as to why.

He admits he has issues of feeling inferior and angry toward women. Do you earn much more money than him? Do you work more hours than him? If divorced, he could get more time for custody and money from you.

I hope you do consult with lawyer and see therapists and his medical doctor too. You’re doing a great job of staying strong.

From what you share MsLady it sounds like a constant power struggle between the two of you. And he emotionally blackmails you with the children, especially with the three year old.

Not about this specific situation, but good fathers are denied custody or even adequate and fair access to the kids all the time and there is no public outrage about this injustice. It’s only in the recent years that family court system started to look at things more fairly.

Agree about seeing a lawyer ASAP. They aren’t married but still need to deal with legal custody aspect and some areas recognize common law union/domestic partnerships as legal unions

It'll potentially motivate him to falsely accuse me of being an unfit mom. If he gets 60%, he can then claim child support from me plus all the monthly child taxes. It's a fear due to his threat, his own financial limitation, and his history of financial theft. It's a distorted way of thinking to benefit thy self.. and not at all about what's best for the girls.

It will be heart wrenching to see my children 40% of the time over false and unproven allegations. This is what happened to my sister. Her ex falsified a lot of things against her, without a shred of truth. He put her through hell, defending herself with EVIDENCE that his claims were unfounded. He still won the case! This was done so he wouldn't have to pay "her" spousal support AND child support. He did it to protect his own financial portfolio.. not because she was really a threat to her kids.

I'm not saying he WOULD do this to me, too. It's a genuine fear. Maybe and hopefully he wouldn't stoop this low.

I'm not at all blaming myself for his behaviours. I'm not sure why you're thinking this, Have Hope. I've repeatedly told him and this forum that his behaviours has nothing to do with me.. that they're considered abusive.. and that I'm expecting him to address it with his therapist, which he is.

I've also addressed to him how these behaviours are affecting his daughters, myself, and our relationship. I've been pretty clear about that.

I'll address the other posts in a bit.

Here, you are blaming yourself for it having escalated to that point. Your words.

He is responsible for his own actions and had I not reacted in the first place, it wouldn't have gone that far. I definitely fueled it, but where he took it afterwards, is certainly 100% his fault. I made that very clear with him.

He's admitted feeling this way towards his mom, sister, and I. Judging how he treats women, I "suspect" he feels inferior towards certain women in general. It's why I believe he objectifies them.

We work for the same company and make the same wage. When seperated, whoever gets 60%+ is entitled to child support and child taxes. If we get 50% each, we wouldn't have to pay child support and we can both claim one child for child tax.

I obviously don't want less than 80%, simply because I have a strong bond with my girls and want to be involved in their lives fully. I didn't have children to raise them in split homes and see them on a part time basis. That's devastating to me. I'm not asking for 60-100% of custody, to gain financial benefits. That's something I could see him doing, though.. and hopefully not.

Thank you!!

It's definitely starting to feel that way. I'm not trying to assert power over him. I'm trying to enforce boundaries.

He targets the 3yr old over the 1yr old. In fact, there's never been an issue around the 1yr old except for exclusion.

You are wise to take his threats seriously. I witnessed many ugly divorces among family and friends. The children were used to hurt the other spouse.

Have you told him point blank that his threats and accusations are entirely unacceptable behavior? That he cannot be saying these things to you, and in particular, in front of your children? Have you told him that you will not tolerate any further threats from him, splitting behaviors and accusations of abuse in front of your kids and to his family and friends? That if he loves you for real and if he wants things to be happy and stable between you, then he must act and behave with loving behavior at all times?

And my apologies if you have already said in this thread that you've told him this. I know you've said to him that he has been abusive, that he was at fault, and to address it in therapy.

Yes, multiple times! Tolerate it? I address these behaviours as they happen, every time. I just can't say, "If you do X, we are done. I have zero tolerance." Why? Because I'm stuck. I'm not naive. I'm well aware what's happening. He's in therapy BECAUSE of what I've addressed.

MsLady, in reading what you share, there was something important that caught my eye. You mentioned that your partner has ADHD. If this is true MsLady, it's important you learn about this challenge because individuals that have ADHD have brain wiring that can present challenges that can be very misunderstood. Also, if your partner has it, there a very good chance his children might have it too.

This kind of brain wiring is genetic and it was important to our survival so that's why it can be such a strong gene. These children and adults tend to be active and do best in "motion" and they are not seditary and deeply introspective.

Perhaps, it might be best to think of it in terms of this; My husband is off to sea, My husband is out in the fields planting, My husband is off hunting, My husband is off on his fishing boat, even My husband is off to war. In other words MsLady, something busy and in MOTION.

You have talked about taking on a certain style of parenting. And maybe you try some of this with your partner. However, what many DO MISS when it comes to dealing with individuals with certain types of brain wiring like ADHD and Dyslexia, is more about paying attention to WHAT works best for their kind of brain wiring. Contrary to what many think as relaxing, for the ADHD brain, being busy is what relaxes them. That's why this kind of brain responds to drugs like speed and welbutrin as being more "calm" and even cocaine, while the average person would be all hyped up.

In one of your posts you described how your daughter took off and your husband just stood there and watched? That CAN happen, do you know why? For the same reason my husband will get up and literally stand in front of the TV frozen when some kind of heavy action comes on in what he is watching. Now, lets think about the examples I gave for a minute. My husband is off hunting, My husband is out to sea, My husband is out in the fields harvesting, My husband is out on his fishing boat, My husband is playing football, My husband is racing his race car, My husband is off to war. Do you see what I am getting at here?

For hundreds of years human beings survived often in families where the offspring learned by engaging in the things their parents did to survive. Many children actually learned by doing be it farming, fishing, preparing for being a soldier, brick laying, hunting and gathering, traveling and exploring, learning trades and making and being in motion. It's understandable the human brain would evolve around these ways of surviving.

Actually, part of the reason your husband did not want you to go to that wedding (that he is not really aware of) is because he would be held back instead of being able to engage all the motion. Also, the reason your partner is more drawn to the three year old is because she engages more and is mobile.

Why would your partner put his one year old in a swing like that? Well, he is impatient and eager for that child to be more mobile. She clearly isn't ready and fell of that swing.

I raised a daughter who is a lot like my husband adhd/dyslexia. I had to learn all about how HER brain is wired and work around that in ways that worked for HER. It's important to understand that just because a person's brain is wired a certain way, it doesn't mean that person isn't intelligent. In fact, some who have adhd, have genuis level IQ's. I know you have a certain style parenting you want to follow, yet, I cannot stress enough that it's important to pay attention to if that style is going to work with the brain wiring. I know for a fact when this ignored, it can turn out badly instead of nurturing according to how that partner or child's brain is wired.

You know, I tend to repeat a lot, yet, it's been a habit for a long time due to the fact that pretty much all my life I have dealt with someone who's brain is wired differently than me, and they don't "listen" the way I want them to. Actually, my therapist's wife and son both have ADHD, and he shares how to engage them and the lack of paying attention for too long. My daughter is very mobile and has a busy mind, was always like that too. She is very good at math and things that have motion, much like her father. As I was helping my daughter "learn" I used ways of associating remembering by using little stories or tunes which added fun "motion". When I was potty training my daughter, I had to take the lid off the toilet so she could go and then watch the water go down and the ball drop in the tank. That motion was her motivation and reward. See what I mean? You mentioned how sometimes your daughter sits in the rocking chair before bed? Well, that's actually important to pay attention to, she needs motion to relax.

There is a LOT of gray when it comes to understanding others.

Also, if your husband is adhd, then part of his therapy should help him to understand how his brain works and why he finds certain things irratating or frustrating etc.

Yes, he has ADHD. It presents itself with impulsivities, restlessness, distractibility. He often tunes out or interrupts. He lacks focus on things he's not interested in (classic ADHD) which has usually been when I'm talking about "me".

You mentioned "slow to react"..? Definitely. If our dog is about to puke on the carpet beside him, and I'm breastfeeding, the most we get out of him is a lot of theatrical groaning and wiggles until it's too late. He doesn't respond to the situation fast enough to redirect it.. but then acts all bummed out when the dog does the inevitable LOL. Dogs don't puke that quickly, btw. He'd have at least 10sec to redirect him onto the floor. ADHD related? Didn't make that connection.

So far, our children do not present any signs of ADHD, learning disabilities, or any cognitive impairments.

That's right, which is one reason why having a dog has been helpful for him. He can't sit still for lengthly periods of time. It's why visiting his parents multiple times in a day is part of his daily occurrence. It gets him out. It's also why he has no filters, and crosses boundaries when it comes to privacy matters and respect. What he chooses to say is a different matter, though.

The Attachment Parenting style is all about being attentive to a child's need. It's a skill that's either innate or learned. He's in the learning stages which is why we opted to use this method.. to have clear guidelines. Also, it's because I was emotionally neglected as a child and there was a lot of foul play. This also helps me know what's HEALTHY parenting. We discussed this in great lengths, prior to the birth of our children. It's been an ongoing discussion. Having said that, there's been concerns I've brought up that has nothing to do with parenting styles or ADHD.

In these two scenarios, it was just that he wanted me to manage the behaviours. Why? Because the only way he's handled this scenario before was to pick her up and strap her into a stroller or hold her against her will. She'd scream, wiggle, and fight to get out of his hold. It's controlling. Every time, I tell him to put her down. They both look stressed. When she grows up, this method will no longer be an option to him.. and I've said so. So in these two particular scenarios, after our conversation, he didn't want to put himself in a situation where things would turn sour.. in public, for others to hear and see? Could it be because he's now documenting me and is wanting to keep himself in the clear? I don't know. All I know is that he was looking for me to deal with it.

I get down to her eye level and talk with her. I also give him tips on what tools he can use if she doesn't respond favourably. He just gets frustrated because he wants her to respond to him, quickly. He wants her to see him in the "authority position" and when she doesn't listen, he takes it personal. Gawd, maybe he's feeling inferior to her, as well.

You would think so. He's tried to say the same, too. But it's not the answer. He's always paid more attention to her than the 1yr old, even when she was one.. or an infant.

He was also more attentive towards my pregnancy with her than with my second (third) pregnancy. He admitted it's because he already experienced it with the first.. after that, it wasn't "as much" of a big deal. When I had my second c-section, he pretty much abandoned me, to be with our 3yr old. His parents were looking after her and said they would for as long as we needed them to. Once I had my surgery, suddenly plans changed? All he talked about was how tired and sore HE was. Really? I'm still upset with how that all played out.

It's differential treatment between the girls.. and I'm on it.. and it's improved BECAUSE I'm on it. It's a theme in our relationship.. but now he feels "inferior".

BTW, our one year old is far more mobile than our 3yr old ever was. She walks, runs, climbs, etc. She's a neat little girl. In fact, she's more affectionate to dad then the 3yr old.. which is why I think he's also starting to pay more attention to her now. She's filling his bucket because I can't.

They were at a school playground and they don't have toddler swings. I really think he just didn't think it was a big deal. I saw more photos. Yep, she was swinging, alright. He said she fell off as she was trying to get off. A truth? I'm not sure. But why not be in close proximity and help her off? He was probably too busy taking "cute" photos.. again, filling his own bucket and disregarding a safety concern.

Yes, this I know. I'm well versed in all this. It's my background. It's also why I'm looking at him on a deeper level, much like my son, who was originally misdiagnosed with ADHD.

Yes, he was prescribed medication for this but as a recovered addict, he was prescribed medication that's known to be addictive. Also, his doctor gave him too high of the dose.. and a medication that could easily be snorted for recreational use. So, we both agreed it was best he stop using it. The DBT has been the best support, so far, particularly with attention and focus.

The start of this thread was to get feedback about "my" behaviour. Was it considered "physical abuse" or "assault"? I received my responses. After that, it's been more about me sharing information, clarifying misunderstandings, and releasing my frustrations and concerns. Some of it may be relevant and some of it may just be my own fears talking.

I agree with a lot of what's been said. I came into this thread already knowing the level of abuse I'm in. This realization is still fairly new, though.

He could try Wellbutrin as that tends to work well with adhd. Just something for future investigation if he continues to struggle.

The AA and NA rooms have a high percentage of individuals that have ADHD. And yes they don’t care to engage in emotional conversations. They tend to absorb and get agitated especially not after they have a busy day. They can get overload which is why many of them start self medicating.

Yes they can struggle with understanding boundaries. I taught a little girl that was quite the challenge that way. I had to design a program just for her. Always knew she arrived needed immediate attention.

He said it was because he didn't want to "bounce back and forth" between us and the party. He was the Best Man. He also feels uncomfortable with me seeing how he is, socially.

Boundaries are definitely a concern I've had to stay on top of. At his age (40s) it's not that he struggles understanding them. He just doesn't adhere to them well.

It’s probable this will continue to be a challenge for him.

Your husband has developed certain ways of navigating along with how his brain is wired and his history and he is in his 40’s now. There will be things he does that are pretty hard wired.