[Quanticia]

I have extremely poor social skills. After escaping bullying, it took me 8 years to say "hi" to people without fainting, and 8 more to learn how to join a conversation (to ask people about their day, compliment their shoes, stuff like that). But I still rarely express my opinion. I can never narrate a story - when others can make their trip to the loo sound like an epic battle. And my memory is terrible, so I can't join in when people talk about celebrities or anything else. My observation skills aren't too good, either: my ADHD often gets in the way.

My therapist proposed to try using my own kind of skills to communicate with others. It sounded like a great idea, but how the hell do I do that? I have zero examples of people like me who made it...

My sister proposed I should work on figuring how I'd want the world to be like, and that should help me to support my opinions. Which also sounds like a great idea, only the world is too complicated, and figuring out a strong opinion would take a lifetime...

Maybe I'm just not meant to talk to people? But I do want to be social, to be able to express myself verbally. My current self doesn't feel right...

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Quanticia

I have extremely poor social skills. After escaping bullying, it took me 8 years to say "hi" to people without fainting, and 8 more to learn how to join a conversation (to ask people about their day, compliment their shoes, stuff like that). But I still rarely express my opinion. I can never narrate a story - when others can make their trip to the loo sound like an epic battle. And my memory is terrible, so I can't join in when people talk about celebrities or anything else. My observation skills aren't too good, either: my ADHD often gets in the way.

My therapist proposed to try using my own kind of skills to communicate with others. It sounded like a great idea, but how the hell do I do that? I have zero examples of people like me who made it...

My sister proposed I should work on figuring how I'd want the world to be like, and that should help me to support my opinions. Which also sounds like a great idea, only the world is too complicated, and figuring out a strong opinion would take a lifetime...

Maybe I'm just not meant to talk to people? But I do want to be social, to be able to express myself verbally. My current self doesn't feel right...

Hi Quanticia,

I'm sorry to hear about the bullying you experienced and how badly that impacted you.

I know that, growing up in an abusive and bullying environment, even though I regularly express my opinion now, when I do, there is always anxiety that someone will disagree with me. And then when they do, I have to do a lot of positive self talk to remind myself that it's okay if my opinion differs from someone else's.

That's all to say that it's an ongoing work in progress to develop social skills, and it's really great that you are exploring how you want to "show up" in the world.

Rather than figure out what you want the world to be like, maybe just start out with who do you want to be? If you glimpsed into your future and saw the best version of yourself you could imagine, what would that person be like?

A few years ago I sat down and wrote out the person I wanted to be based on the things that I value and what I want to contribute to the universe. Then I looked at who I am now (then) and where I wanted to be and started picking, one-by-one, different things to work on to move me close to being that person. Every day I saw myself as the person I wanted to be and tried to behave like that person. And I don't mean like putting on a mask or being fake. I was envisioning my true self, beneath the walls I put up. Then one day I woke up and I realized, I had become who I wanted to be. And I was still learning and growing. I still get triggered, I still have issues, but I had gained a lot of confidence through that exercise.

Maybe a similar exercise will help you.

Social skills are definitely a work in progress and it's great that you've been able to grow to engage in small talk. And you've already identified that your next goal is to share an opinion when you have one. Think about a few opinions you have on relevant topics, what you'd like to share should it come up, and also play out a few scenarios of comments/replies you might say during the conversation. Then the next time you are in a social situation, you can try it out.

And just remember this whole thing is an experiment. You are learning the technique of socializing, and so just observe what works and makes you feel good and what doesn't work or makes you feel bad - and don't view any of it as a failure. It's all just information that tells you how you feel.

[Quanticia]

Originally Posted by seesaw

Rather than figure out what you want the world to be like, maybe just start out with who do you want to be?

This is a lovely approach! I never got to fully go through the self-realization part of my teens, so better late than never.
I thought a bit on it. I want to improve, and trust in, my critical thinking. It is the one way I can add to a conversation without remembering long lists of information. The better I become at it, the more courageous I'll be at expressing myself. And, after some point, I bet I'll be able to narrate stories, too. I want to be someone who excells at deductions. Also someone confident, emotionally strong, and someone who can protect the ones around them without compromising what they believe in.
Thanks!

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Quanticia

This is a lovely approach! I never got to fully go through the self-realization part of my teens, so better late than never.

I thought a bit on it. I want to improve, and trust in, my critical thinking. It is the one way I can add to a conversation without remembering long lists of information. The better I become at it, the more courageous I'll be at expressing myself. And, after some point, I bet I'll be able to narrate stories, too. I want to be someone who excells at deductions. Also someone confident, emotionally strong, and someone who can protect the ones around them without compromising what they believe in.

Thanks!

I get a really good image of who you want to be from what you just said. It may also be worth thinking about why you value those characteristics or qualities, as that might help you work on them.

Believe it or not, just identifying how you want to show up gets you 50% of the way there. That which is undistinguished runs you, which means that which you haven't identified in you life runs you. And you just distinguished a huge thing - who you want to be and how you want to appear in the world! You have so much power now!