[AliceKate]

So I met this guy on a dataing app, but never in person. We had dinner via WhatsApp Videocall, but that's the extend of it. Every once in a while, he checks in.

He suggested we have a call and we made plans to for yesterday evening, but I didn't feel up to it. Instead we wrote all night. He listened to a lot of *****, my panic attacks, my mum, my school, work, etc. He only got to say like 3 things about himself. It was like he picked me up and put me on my feet

I mean I know it's a silly thing, but I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know I look super cute in the pictures I posted, and he might have troubles finding a woman because he has a kid, and I think one of his eyes doesn't look streight ahead, but who puts up with all of that for someone that won't even pick up the phone and then talk all about herself?

Originally Posted by AliceKate

So I met this guy on a dataing app, but never in person. We had dinner via WhatsApp Videocall, but that's the extend of it. Every once in a while, he checks in.

He suggested we have a call and we made plans to for yesterday evening, but I didn't feel up to it. Instead we wrote all night. He listened to a lot of *****, my panic attacks, my mum, my school, work, etc. He only got to say like 3 things about himself. It was like he picked me up and put me on my feet

I mean I know it's a silly thing, but I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know I look super cute in the pictures I posted, and he might have troubles finding a woman because he has a kid, and I think one of his eyes doesn't look streight ahead, but who puts up with all of that for someone that won't even pick up the phone and then talk all about herself?

He may have some issues with finding a woman or he really needs one.

May I ask how does the "dinner via WhatsApp Videocall" look like?

[AliceKate]

Well, I propped up my phone and had my food in front of me, and so did he his. We had sushi. It was quite nice, but the conversation lagged quite a bit. Not sure he likes sharing much about himself. and I'm not usually the one driving conversations either.

Originally Posted by AliceKate

Well, I propped up my phone and had my food in front of me, and so did he his.

Crazy times we live in

Well, I would go for face-to-face if possible. The real dynamics the two of you can have may exist only in real life.

[divine1966]

Men absolutely don’t have troubles meeting women because they have a kid. Plenty of men date and marry again after divorce and having children. It doesn’t stop women

Well he listened to you because he perhaps thought you needed someone to talk to about your struggles and he offered a listening ear. He might be a kind hearted person or is in a caring profession and got used to listening about people’s troubles. And he might think next time it will be about him too. But then again he isn’t interested in sharing, so that’s not a good sign.

Honestly you don’t know each other. At this point you just chatting and had one video call and conversation was lagging (not a good sign) so I’d give it time to know the person. Any plans to actually meet in the future?

[AliceKate]

We had plans, but I didn't feel up to it because of my panic attacks and some work I need to hand in at the university. I'm sure we'll meet eventually.
He's not in a caring profession, but his ex wife had a depression.
I agree, him not sharing is not a great sign. He did say he is going to therapy because he is too much of a perfectionist, but that seems like half-sharing half-truths.

Eh, we'll see. Time will tell. For now, that was so lovely and really good for me. I guess listening to my problems may be a casual way for him to pass time. Suppose that's it.

[AliceKate]

Originally Posted by MisterPaul

Crazy times we live in

Well, I would go for face-to-face if possible. The real dynamics the two of you can have may exist only in real life.

True at that, both It was funny in an odd way^^

[Rive.]

A word of caution: I would be wary of moving too fast. We all know about the dangers of the internet and trusting too easily.... and people posing as something they are not. Until they they what they want.

[divine1966]

It’s important to be safe. Public place. During the day.

spending huge amount of time talking to strangers on the Internet amounts to nothing, people might have no connection in real life. Especially texting. Anyone can text anything to anybody. For all we know the person might be watching a movie and texts during commercial break or went to sleep and gave his phone to his little brother to keep typing. Who really knows.

Meeting in real life is paramount for even knowing if there is a connection. But pandemics make if difficult so perhaps dating could be put on hold but on the other hand meeting in a public place wearing a mask is doable.

[AliceKate]

No worries, I intend to do no less. Going for a walk in a public place, meeting there, going home on my own after.. not simply because I've never met him before, but also because he is this helpful for no apparent reason.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by AliceKate

We had plans, but I didn't feel up to it because of my panic attacks and some work I need to hand in at the university. I'm sure we'll meet eventually.
He's not in a caring profession, but his ex wife had a depression.
I agree, him not sharing is not a great sign. He did say he is going to therapy because he is too much of a perfectionist, but that seems like half-sharing half-truths.

Eh, we'll see. Time will tell. For now, that was so lovely and really good for me. I guess listening to my problems may be a casual way for him to pass time. Suppose that's it.

I think maybe his listening to your problems might be a casual way for him to pass time too. Sharing half truths is usually a red flag although there are some legitimate reasons why some people do this when they do not know someone well. Being ''too much of a perfectionist'' is one of the ''common'' reasons that people consult a therapist (from my reading...) This guy confuses me a bit.

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Being ''too much of a perfectionist''

One of very common traits of narcs.

[AliceKate]

If he's a narc, he and I are not a good fit. I have no tolerance for someone I have to bow to.

Love the bear @Fuzzybear <3

At any rate, "being too much of a perfectionist'' sounds like something you say in a job interview^^ Kind of superficial and not terribly believable.

[divine1966]

Too many people claim to be perfectionists yet more than often their professional and personal lives are a complete mess. So whenever someone says they are perfectionists, it’s almost a guarantee that their life is in a total disarray.

Originally Posted by divine1966

Too many people claim to be perfectionists yet more than often their professional and personal lives are a complete mess. So whenever someone says they are perfectionists, it’s almost a guarantee that their life is in a total disarray.

So TRUE. A real perfectionist is too modest to admit it.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Too many people claim to be perfectionists yet more than often their professional and personal lives are a complete mess. So whenever someone says they are perfectionists, it’s almost a guarantee that their life is in a total disarray.

I think there is often a lot of truth in this.

[bluekoi]

The Community Support Team is re-opening this thread with a gentle reminder asking all to please stay on topic without generalizing or getting personal in replies. Thanks everyone.

[AzulOscuro]

My apologies for the problem I may have caused. I think it’s fair to recognise it.

Alice, the advise given to you make lot of sense. Being very cautious and if you are ready to meet him, do it on a public place and tell other people where you are gonna go and stay. Obviously, you are not gonna know the person on a first date, so until you feel safe, meet him on public places and be sure other people knows about where you are going to be and with who.

I can’t give you many insight since it takes me a lot of time to know where someone I meet is coming from.
The thing about Perfectionism exists. I have it. According to the doctor strong traits of Perfectionism. Of course, it’s not a path of roses nor for the individuo who suffers it or the people around this person. It doesn’t mean he is gonna be a person impossible to deal with, there are Perfectionist many different to others. It depends on the pattern of parenting they had and which defence mechanisms they used to deal with. The good sign is that he’s working on this issue.
The read flag is what Divine mentioned, if he’s in a dating web site, he should be ready to share about himself. If he persists on this behaviour I would think about giving him another meeting.

Wish you luck!!!!!