[hobbypoet]

I've been doing a lot of self-reflection today. And I realized that a lot of things I deal with are because of choices I made. That there were times I wasn't compassionate or understanding to other people, blew my cool, got into an argument. And over a year later these people are still hurting because of me. Granted, they did me wrong too, they made mistakes, they hurt me too. I've spent a lot of time healing from that. But I recognize what I've done in two of these cases was a mistake.

I know I didn't know better back then. I had just moved, just put my emotional support cat down after finding out she had cancer, was betrayed by a friend and developing an autoimmune disease. I don't think no matter what, it's okay to confront someone in the way I did, but I know I wasn't myself. The other person I said things I shouldn't, but was also dealing with their stuff while trying to avoid becoming homeless and under a lot of stress. They abused my boundaries and I lost my patience.

I'm feeling really, really guilty. These people won't have anything to do with me. I've been beating myself up for over a year, because I'm a lot more aware now than I was a year ago about things like communication and how to handle situations. I just wish I could feel better about these things. I'm accepting I'm not perfect and still have a lot to work on with myself, but I feel like a horrible person. I don't know how to feel better about this when these people are still upset and hurt. I don't expect to be forgiven and would never ask it. I live with myself as best as I can and try to do better all the time.

After these experiences I started distancing myself from other people and not letting anyone too close. Not just because I don't want to be hurt, but I just feel like it's best if people don't get too close to me either. I have a really, really hard time trusting people and I think I get insecure too.

[indigo1015]

We all make mistakes; I know I've made a lot, in my relationships and elsewhere. If you don't make mistakes, you aren't human lol. Sounds like you've done a lot of reflection and grown from this, which is exactly how it should be. You're not saying, "it's all their fault, I was the victim," you're saying, "I didn't know then what I know now, and despite my issues that I was dealing with, I made mistakes." That is huge. What's done is done, but it sounds to me like you're ready to move on and do better. Major kudos to you

[Have Hope]

I know that feeling, and it sucks to know you've hurt other people. It shows you have great compassion and remorse. Try not to beet yourself up though. You're human. We all make mistakes, and even ones that hurt others. The best you can do is apologize for it, and if the apology isn't accepted there's nothing more you can do except learn from it and try to do better next time. Pain heals in time... and your own pain will too. And people who cannot accept apologies? Well, I think it shows a lack of compassion and understanding on their part for someone going through a rough patch. Go easy on yourself.

Hugs.

[hobbypoet]

Thank you both!

I am trying to go easy on myself. I saw a quote by Mark Twain that gave me some perspective... "Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions." I think I've definitely learned and grew from what happened and am so much more careful with how I talk to people now. I know, inevitably, we do hurt others. Sometimes not even with malicious intent, we have to put ourselves first and make hard choices that hurt people. I feel bad about those decisions too. but also feel they are necessary.

I've been very humbled lately by all the things I've been going through, and realizing I have toxic traits like everyone else. But also positive and good traits. I think that's everybody.