Partner gaslighting me?

Hi all,

This is hard to type out, but my partner may be gaslighting me, based on my poor handling of frustrations that he's making out to be something that they're not.

He's an ex-mo who I think grew up with female "positive only" emotional reactions allowed. When I get frustrated and take a harsher tone accordingly he says that I'm talking to him in a bad way and generally makes me feel horrible for having basic emotions and reactions in the moment.

What worries me is that my therapist characterized his go to actions as manipulative and told me to proceed with caution. Somehow he convinced his therapist that I was abusive and according to him, she told him to leave me. This is deeply concerning to me, because while I do have diagnosed BP I keep a pretty good control of my emotions even when frustrated and have never called him names or done anything threatening, only raised my voice.
He has a diagnosis of anxiety and says that he is pretty sensitive. I grew up with more strongly expressed emotions and a less coddled environment, where we could be real with each other and were pretty tough so it's hard for me to adjust.

We are now engaged but I am considering putting my foot down and having our future marriage on hold. I don't want this to be held over my head and used against me.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance.

Hi Coffeee,
I really hope you can resolve this and find some clarity and happiness. Is it certain that your partner's therapist believes you are abusive? I was told by my ex that I was abusive for doing perfectly reasonable things that he didn't like...that's gaslighting. If your partner isn't comfortable with the way you express your emotions then there is an issue for him to work on, or for you both to work out...it's not for you to adjust to make his life comfortable. I don't see how doing that could ever be happy. What is keeping you in the relationship? Do you feel safe?

I married my ex and didn't have any fears of abuse. I became "the wife" when we married, and he instantly treated me differently. I had a history of mental illness, but also managed well, but after a series of traumatic incidents I was really quite vulnerable, and this is when my ex became verbally abusive, this escalated to gaslighting, threatening behaviour and one incident of physical abuse. This was in the space of six months. There had been lots of signs that I just hadn't picked up on.

I would agree with your therapist to proceed with caution...and go one step further and say keep a safe distance. Don't be undermined. Do you think you would try couples therapy? If you are not sure it could make things clearer?

Wishing you well K

Love that KBMK used the word clarity. When I was in therapy, it took a while (more than two years) to get more clarity on what had happened in my marriage, For me, therapy was about getting an unbiased, outside perspective away from what my husband, children, and FOO was saying about what I should do, who was wrong, etc. Sometimes my husband would ask what are you working on in therapy, etc. For me therapy is about having a place where you can talk confidentially about your husband, children, and FOO and for all that is said to remain private. So, I don't think your partner should ask what was discussed in therapy and vice versa. In my case, I had to learn to stand up and say, "I don't want to talk about therapy." One reason I think it is best not to discuss what happens in therapy is that if therapy is helping then we may not feel the same way about our partner and others a few months later. So if we "discuss" working through feeling manipulated then our partner may remember that "snapshot" into our feelings we were discussing but therapy is about figuring out why we are having those feelings. After we work it out, we may eventually feel differently.

I also wondered if I was being gaslighted but in my case I was able to stop the gaslighting simply by being "onto it," and learning to stand up for myself. I was the type of person who was easily gaslighted because I second guessed myself all of the time and had a partner that for most our our marriage had a photographic memory (remembered the tiniest details while I tend to remember in a more general way). I am also the type of person who assumes people are telling me the truth and had to learn to recognize better when people are lying. I hate to "victim bash" myself but my naivety likely made me a tempting target when there were high stakes family disagreements. I am glad you are onto these things before getting married. I also want to mention that good relationships grow and change but if you are currently feeling gaslighted then IMO, plans of marriage should be put on hold.

I can't tell if he gaslighting you or not since I am only listening your story. But if your therapist had said so, I think you should follow his advice. If he can't appreciate nor treat you well, he doesn't deserve you. You're doing right to put your marriage on hold. Better prevent the disaster.

Is he addressing your negative reactions to his behaviors or just any frustrations in general? Can you give an example?

Sorry, I don't understand, what is an ex-mo?

I am guessing...ex marine

Some good advice up there regarding your therapy and his. I really can't add to that. Living together and marriage is something than can change people's behavior only in my limited view. I'd agree with not sharing your own therapy with your partner and be cautious.

Wait so the therapist 1st told you To proceed with caution and then said you were abusive? It doesn't make sense but to have that kind of change of heart means not only is he gaslighting you but he is manipulating her.

Oh wow!!!! This sounds just like my husband and me! we have been married 21 years, and frankly my advice is don't marry him. It will only get worse. Your therapist is right, it's a manipulation technique, and since you are accustomed to a more straightforward way of communicating you will spend the next 20 years analyzing whether your family were the problem, and constantly walking on eggshells. I predict he will do what my husband did, and start cheating, and when caught say it's because you're not emotionally available to him. Get out before you are legally bound to each other and have children in the mix. Divorce is not as easy as it sounds, and in my case my husband has also resorted to financial manipulation: any time I get us ahead financially and feel like we can finally separate he does something to set us back financially to where we cant afford to leave each other. Good luck to you, I hope my experience helps you.

I believe her partner’s therapist (allegedly, since OP apparently only has his word for it) told him OP is abusive and that he should leave. I’m willing to bet the therapist didn’t say it, or OP’s behaviour has been exaggerated/misrepresented by partner in therapy.
I’d have to agree, I don’t think it’s a good idea to marry him. If you can’t resolve these issues now, while you’re engaged, it will get worse when you’re married. And if he is gaslighting you, that should say all you need to know about his character. I wouldn’t advise couples therapy either in this case. He could use it against you.

Its okay to have emotions and to think about situations. Perhaps you could try couples therapy with him. Marriage is a big step and should be taken seriously.

Do what you think is best. If marriage is good then go ahead, although i do think you should try couples therapy, if things really get out of hand. To make the relationship, both sides must be taken, you have to look at why your fiancee says what he said to the therapist. You also need to comfort him and support him with his anxiety. This is a big problem for your relationship, anxiety is similar to depression in the mental belief system it brings.

Sorry you're dealing with this too. I just recently learned about gas lighting and it gave me a sick feeling in my stomach. I feel like after over a decade in my relationship that I actually question everything I do. It started with being told right from the start that "I have low confidence level and self esteem". When I look back at my younger self it makes me sad because I used to know exactly what so wanted, I did what I wanted without question, and I was a good kid. My partner was a functioning drug addict who seemed wild and fun. He made fun of my appearance, moved me hundreds of miles away from my family, friends, and life. He made me feel like his career was the most important thing in our lives together. When I went back to school I was reminded that "if I failed we still had his work to fall on". As a successful woman with a damn good career the confrontational atmosphere of my home waxes and wanes. On my work days things are tense because my focus isn't on him exclusively. Having a toddler makes it even more complicated because he will talk over her and try anything possible to keep the attention on him. My friends and family (including his own) have spent years practically begging me to leave him. It's such a mess. I don't mean to scare you, but really think about the pros and cons. Dig down deep and ask yourself if your partner has the ability to change. I wish you luck ♥️♥️♥️