I don't know how I feel about my marriage right now

Hi everyone. I was taking a wee break from PC to collect myself. I find myself needing support again though.

I don't even know where to begin. This is about my marriage, but I have to give background to the story that brings me to the place I am in now.

I had a spiritual awakening that began 12 years ago and which resulted in my suddenly hearing voices. Many of them were very dark and evil voices. I also started experiencing voices that were benevolent, encouraging, positive, supportive and very loving.

This was the result of

I had read that people can "open up" and experience something along these lines after such an experience. Well, that's what happened to me. Years later, this evolved into channeling.

Well, I deliberately shut down the channeling (to make a long story short) in the last few days, and after 12 years of a LOT of spiritual confusion between the evil and the loving voices I heard.

And to get to the main point, I now am wondering about and am questioning my marriage again. Prior to shutting this down, I felt pretty good about my marriage. Now, I am in a quandary again.

He hasn't yelled at me, and there have been no signs of the toxic marriage I had previously experienced. After I told him I was divorcing him about two months ago, he has dramatically improved, doing almost a complete 180 turnaround, and he's been a far more ideal and loving husband.

However, some issues or toxic elements in the relationship still persist, which makes me feel like it's probably time to pursue couples counseling. I now have health insurance, so it's possible.

He still can make (periodic) mean jokes at my expense, he is still periodically or frequently controlling of me, and sometimes he blames me for things that I am not responsible for.

I feel that my shutting down channeling has brought me back down to earth and to reality a bit. It's really hard to explain, but I was in a VERY different state of mind before I shut it down. I was thinking much more positively and I was listening to the positive and loving guidance I was receiving.

I am trying hard to remain within the Guidelines while writing this, and I hope I am within Guidelines. I am not allowed to inspire any religious discussion on here, and that's not the purpose of this thread whatsoever, but in essence, I drastically changed my spiritual beliefs through this spiritual experience.

And now, I feel very confused about my relationship, my marriage, myself and who I am. I feel a bit lost. Deep inside, I feel or think I am the same person that I was before this all occurred 12 years ago. But I also wasn't exactly myself over the last 12 years either. This awakening almost has me off kilter. It has changed me, and I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

I just don't know how I feel, and I wonder if I am still in love with him. I feel very apart from him right now. I feel very alone with this experience and with very few people to speak with about it. He is aware of it. We have talked a lot about it, but I still feel alone as there are many details I have NOT shared with him.

Medical professionals call it medical. My last therapist calls it medical, and my family believes it was medically related. Hearing voices that is.

During my channeling, the benevolent voices told me I was in fact

This also has me off kilter. Is it all true?

Now the voices have calmed WAY down. I have forced it down and I have shut it down. Now I am left to figure things out for myself while before I was receiving guidance. Or maybe I'm just nuts.

If this thread belongs in the spiritual forum instead, I apologize. My goal on this thread is to address the spiritual isolation I feel, combined with my confused feelings now about my marriage and what I want.

Sometimes I feel we want very different things. Then sometimes what we want feels aligned.

Maybe I'm experiencing a late mid life crisis? I do not know.

All I know, is that I feel lost, confused, sad and very alone. I was comforted and supported by the loving voices, and now they're gone.

So, I am asking for support with my confusion over my relationship and my feelings towards him, my isolation and my sadness. Thanks for reading, and thanks for any support you can provide.